Best and Worst

So here I am again
Back at square one
Where I feel I always am

Two Sundays ago I met the most amazing guy ever. He was just what I was looking for. Nice, friendly, compassionate, cute, and strong in the church. We hung out every day after, he met my parents, who happened to be down for the weekend, and it just felt right in every way. I spent every moment I could with him, which was hard because I was with my parents and trying to get my classroom ready. It would have been murder without them.

There are so many connection moments that Kevin and I had and for once I felt we liked each other equally and that there was a great chance we would date sooner than later. We kissed at the end of the week. So I thought, "Well let's date." He held back because he had just been home only under a month and back in the states only two weeks.

He was going to the mountains that weekend and wanted time to think it out and pray about it. Well to be completely honest, that was one hard weekend without him. I missed him so much! There was another guy that I was kind of interested before I met Kevin and so before I was tormented with having to choose one of them because they were both uniquely awesome. But when Kevin left, I knew that Ray had no chance. Life was dull again and so were my feelings for Ray.

Kevin came back late Sunday night. I was so anxious to see him. He never called. Or came over. I was starting to get nervous. I drove to his house to realize he still wasn't home. He finally called at 11:30 and with a very emotionless voice told me he was fine. He had received an answer but he wanted to tell me in person. He didn't sound excited and when I told him how much I had missed him, he just changed the subject. It was hard on my ego and pride, and that night started a whole week of uneasiness.

The next day I was preparing for my first day of school which was the following day. I was a bunch of nerves. On top of that, I was unsure how Kevin felt and my heart ached for him. I needed him right now. I did not need him to be distant from me right now. He wanted to meet for lunch. We did and I could tell right away it was exactly as I thought it would be. He didn't necessarily tell me he didn't want to date me, but he just saw so many options in front of him that he wasn't ready to settle down. He also encouraged me to go to Institute to meet other guys. I was heartbroken. He had told me he wanted to go out on dates still, but the love I had felt from him last week was nonexistent.

My body did not know how to take that hard blow. It was like a demon erupted inside of me. I screamed in agony inside and still yearned for him to reach out and hold me. I left defeated and cried pretty much the entire night. How could those feelings be changed over a weekend? I knew something was wrong. I told Kevin I needed to see him the next night. He was hesitant, but agreed.

When I came to his house, he was very standoffish. I had just been with Ray and when he had called me back, Ray was talking to me in the background. I think he felt it was an opportunity to get me to back out. "Why don't you date Ray again," he said. I was shocked he could push me off so easily. I asked him could we go for a walk. He didn't want to but finally relented after he saw I needed it more than air. We walked up by the mountain near his house. We just talked. Mostly him about his childhood memories near the mountain. He was so distant, like we had never touched before. He heard a noise and thought it a great reason to go back.

We went back to his downstairs apartment and he was wishing me to go so he could get homework done. I looked up at him and begged for reasons for this new change. he sat me down on the couch and explained that the last two weeks had been really hard on him. He had gotten back into some old habits and would need to meet with a Bishop. I settled down after he told me and felt calmer in ways.

I told him of a problem I struggled with after my mission. I told him I also had gone through the same thing and shared my feelings about how hard it is getting back into the swing of things after mission life. He stared at me for a good minute after I told him my struggle. He reached out and grabbed for the first time that night and just clung to me. He said, "Oh Jenny! That's what I'm struggling with too." From that moment on, the way he felt about me changed completely. He had opened up to me and shared something he felt he could never tell anyone but his mom and bishop.

He expected me to get up, run away, and never look back at a person like him. Actually I do the opposite. I cling harder to the person, be the best support I can be, and try to fill this person with love that they've been lacking. That kind of love-giving can eventually push you away from each other which is what happened after two amazing nights of connection with him. We had gotten too close to messing up on the last night and I ran out the house upset I had let it move so fast. I turned back to him and held him one last time. I whispered, "Please can we never do that again." He stared at me blankly and said, "I promise."

The next day we talked and he told me it would be best not to see or talk to each other anymore. I can't even tell you how I felt after those words. Used, hurt, angry, numb, and so done with life at that moment that nothing seemed to matter anymore. I had already had a rough week at school trying to focus on my job and leave home life at home. I was failing miserably and my students felt when things were not right.

I called him the next day begging him to reconsider. I told him I just couldn't not talk to him and that it hurt too much. He was emotionless as he told me he just wasn't ready. So in a nutshell, these have been my joys and pains for the last two weeks and the roller coaster is never-ending.

I;m sure my readers are thinking, "Gosh Jenny. It's just a guy you've been with for only two weeks." But you see my fine friends, that is not the point. This same process has happened to me over and over and over. First there was Micaiah, Steve, Chad, Trevor, Randy, Robert, and many other disappointing relationships that never even started. I don't know why God keeps me from something that I've wanted for so long. It seems to come easily for some. Some girls marry at 18 and they never struggle with never having someone. I am now 24 and feel like I've struggled for a good 6 years for accepting that I don't need someone to be happy. Obviously I haven't learned enough though and so I am cursed to walk alone once more.