10-25-08

Sundays are always good and bad for me. So I am going to prepare for this one.

• I had a pretty decent week of school. My plans went better until about Thursday.
• I even had a few connection minutes in Lit. class with a few students! Yay!
• I have a date with the cutest guy in the ward tonight ;) But I also won that at the dating auction! ;)
• K and I are on talking terms and we're celebrating his birthday next week. I miss his friendship.  I need to hurry and date someone so it can be normal again!
• My car has been running good.
• I am pretty healthy.
• Grateful to be in my institute teacher
• I've spent three days with Meisha and her family. And have loved it!
• I went to a character dinner yesterday and had a blast being Ms. Scarlet.

Ms. Scarlet....

Tonight was so much fun! I was invited to this party where you are given a character and you show acting the part. So our them was the Clue game/movie. I was of course Ms. Scarlet. We changed it a little to where she was also southern and a daddy's girl. I was very flirtatious and lively at the party always mentioning my good looks and how wealthy I was. It was so much fun and the other characters played their part so well. I included to picture. It is definitely on the top ten list for Ogden ;)


Misha and Kirstie fixing my hair and makeup!

Yes I am a knockout when I actually try!!!

This group was so much fun to be in character with!!!

Yes folks....that is the amazing Jenny Flake!

Today

10-23-08

I am not a quick mover on-er. I wish I could be. I start entertaining thoughts of being with certain people and then it takes me forever to talk myself out of liking them. I think I have a separation stress that comes over me and then I get very needy. Then I start liking random people that are not even close to what I'm looking for. And then they take days and weeks to get over and I just waste my time liking people that are not even what I'm looking for.

Just some confusing thoughts that I've had lately. I miss my family. I don't like being here in Ogden alone. Josh is only two hours away, but he is so busy with work and school that I feel like I burden him. My dad has been a little weepy every time I call and he is worried. I know he is. I am struggling...and he can't do anything for me. I can only turn things around. And I will....it's just a matter as long suffering, patience, and perseverance...and well I'm just too stubborn to give up on things that I know that are right. I just need to make sure I'm right.

a little update

Oct. 21

So this week has been pretty good so far. My teaching has been better since all the training occured last week, although I have so much room for improvement. But baby steps right?

For FHE on Monday, we went to the corn maze and had a blast. Some pictures are included ;)

One of my new friends is starting to read my blog and it makes me worried because sometimes I don't put the most uplifting things. I guess there is good and bad in that. I am brutally honest and I don't beat around the bush about my feelings. That is sometimes good...somtimes bad. But I also feel like I should be accentuating the positive in my life and not focusing on the negative. So because I have realized it lately, I am going to try not to tell as much sad and hard things, although this is kind of my journal, and I want to express both the good, the bad, and the ugly....I also feel like there is so much to be grateful for in my life.

For example today...one of my students came up to me and said, "Mrs. Flake, you are the most beautiful teacher I have ever had." I guess she's had the bad and ugly! :) But it made me feel so good inside. And it didn't even come from a boy!

Sometimes I rely too much on what boys think of me and not enough on how amazing I am. One of the best things about me I feel is not viewed from the outside, but the inside. I am a faithful daughter of God and love Him. You can tell someone is faithful by the way they act and I definitely need improvement on it, but I hope that is what my friends seein me as well.

Well here was a short update. Let me know how you think the black hair looks ;)

10-18

I am having a hard night which has surprised me because I have been doing so good the last few days. I thought would be a good time to count my blessings.

• The day was beautiful. Actually the weather all week has been nice and fairly warm. After that snowy day, I needed a few warm ones.
• I asked Paul on a date and he was gracious enough to go to a monastery with me. He was really nice and it was fun.
• I met the greatest guy online and we are getting to be good friends.
• I have not struggled with thinking about Kevin until today, and I have been able to see the bright side of us not being together.
• I watched the anorexia movie again and I am truly blessed to have a fit and semi-healthy body.
• Church is tomorrow and I will be strengthened again.

Wait....

One of my favorite friends sent me this poem and as I read it I cried, because this is exactly what I needed. Times are tough nowadays, and as the Second Coming approaches, it will continue to get tougher. Sometimes I pray and cry and I feel this emptiness inside. But I think it's because I'm yearning for that companionship of the Spirit that only Heavenly Father can send. I feel as if there is sometimes an internal battle inside of my body. The enemy of my soul would love it if I just gave up and gave in to the temptations that so easily persuade me. It's amazing how inside of me, I want to do what's right. I want to be good. And then when something is hard for me to deal with, it takes everything not to just throw the towel and give in. But I was made stronger than that. I have genes of a God in me and there is no way that I will give up on Him if he will never give up on me. And that will never happen.

So here is the poem. It is truly amazing!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you."

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

So I'm blessed....

I am such a whiner. These last few months have been hard for me yes, but it could be so much worse. I tend to only have relationship problems, but I am kept safe from so many other problems life has to offer. I should feel extremely blessed that men problems is the worst!

I was watching this documentary on Anorexia. Oh my goodness. I was so sad watch people waste their lives away in obsession over being thin. It truly is an illness. Here I am complaining about not being able to move on very quickly after heartbreaks, yet I feel like I never stop my life over it. Well I did once and that was a no-no. But that was 4 years ago. Yet, sometimes it is hard to stay motivated during times of depression, I never bail out of work, I never miss church and blame God for my woes (because in the end I know He will be the only one standing after a disaster.) I know He'll never leave me no matter how stubborn and silly I am.

But to see these girls obsess after something so unhealthy was heart-wrenching. One of the girls had two kids. She was admitted into a facility and had a pretty positive attitude. They kept up with her after she left and she was recorded going out to eat, and while her kids were watching TV, she spent the bulk of the night in the bathroom purging her guts out. I much rather would have spent the night holding my loved ones than my stomach, but that's when it hit me that we all do amazingly stupid things for no particular reason but to feed our pride, ambitions, lusts, appetites, and behaviors. I knew it, but it just rang true yesterday.

I am about as stupid in the boy department and stubborn. People follow the dating stories that I tell and they are amazed with the crap I can put up with. I just allow myself to be walked on and take it because at least it's an emotion coming from something other than my computer monitor screen. Without realizing it, I lose the respect of the guys I date and become someone I am not. I am not like this in any other situations in life. I am pretty consistent in my job and my church life. But my relationship department, including friendships and family, just kick my little white fanny! I would love some consistency there. But still. my car is running great, I have food, my job is great, my family is supportive and healthy, I am healthy, and I am member of God's church. I am truly blessed.

10-13 Moving on

Ok so I sent everything I felt to K last night and there is nothing else I can do. He'll shove the love away, I'll be hurt for a little longer, and then I'll find a wonderful man that's been waiting for that love all along. And I'll wonder where this man has been for the last 4 years and will drop-kick love all over him ;) (but carefully) I tend to over do it sometimes! :0

10-11-08

So yesterday I was getting ready for work, and a couple of things hit me.
And it helped change my position.

I am right for Kevin.
Kevin is not right for me.
I did everything I could to make it work and he is just....dumb!
So all I can do now is move on.
I guess I had been waiting for that little confidence boost because after being rejected by him so much, I felt like I wasn't worth anyone.

I am grateful for my friendship with Eliza. She was pretty much my first friendship here in Ogen and although she is crazy and eccentric, it beats being alone.

incapable of love

I know now what is happening. I have prayed and cried, prayed, and read, prayed and cried and repeated the process atleast ten times with a few sprinkles of temple and church worship. I've talked to tons of people about it. And I have come to a conclusion that feels right in my heart.

I am right for Kevin. So right. He is the one that is not right for me. He will find it hard to find someone that can love him and care for him as much as I do. He has things in his past, that many girls will find hard to accept. And I do accpet that part of him and love him all the more because he has struggled. When you get the love of a southern belle, there is nothing quite as faithful as that type of love. And he has it.

But the problem is, if I were to walk into that relationship, only he would be complete in one way. Because of his choices. He chooses not to love me or get attached to me right now for whatever reasons. I would definitely get the sour end of the deal. I would not be complete in every way possible. He could change that by giving me the chance and love I deserve, but in any other way, Heavenly Father refuses to let it work. I am entitled to so much more love. He also would not feel completed because he doesn't love me. He needs more than just my love. He needs to need and want the girl back.

And so....there is nothing I can do. It is impossible to be friends with him right now. He has hurt me so deeply in so many ways and has lost my faith and trust in him completely. I am sorry to say that he could probably win that back with alot of patience of endurance because I truly love him. It is a curse right now to be in love with such an ignorant and noncommital person. He cares only for himself at this point and there is nothing to be done except to accept and move on.

I am worth so much more than this pain. I deserve so much more. He is an ass for not realizing that I have needs just as he does. He could have been so much more sensitive of my feelings. But he wasn't and he won't at this point. He can't see that anything is wrong with him. But there is. And that makes me want him that much more. But I just can't. I will force myself to move one foot in front of the other.

Give me a few months. I'll move on. I will find the right one for me. It might take eternity, but I would rather have that than a wishy-washy guy who can't realize what he has.

Recognizing blessings- 10/8/08

I am having a hard time recognizing my blessings. I am having a hard time with Kevin and boys in general and I just can't keep seem to feel God's love. I know He is there, but I can't see how His hand is in my life.

10-08-08

• I have a temple right down the street that I am able to go to.
• I have an amazing daddy.
• My director and collegues are supportive to me.
• Some of my students make my heart melt.
• Shayler tells me things the way they are!

bad day...

Hard day.
Parent yelled at me.
Kevin and I broke things off for yet a third time within only 1 month and a half of knowing each other.
Heartless.
Broken.
Hurt.
Friends is not even an option right now.

Love my Institute teacher.
Love Jeremy. Wish we could repeat Sunday. He kisses the best out of anyone I know.
He'll love that comment.
Non-committals...they are like the feign of the eternal pit and should be shot.
I miss my daddy.
Crying is getting old.
When does it end?

wishy-washy

And yesterday he was wishy-washy. He can't decide if it was a prompting to just be my friend or if he should date me. I am not going to stay and wait till he figures it out. I am going to date other people. I don't like the fact that he acts one way and does another. It makes a southern girl really upset that she is not worth his commitment level. He wants to date for maybe even a year without so much as an inch of commitment. Is he yoiks? He is not ready for me. That is all there is to say about that. Obviously he doesn't know me that well, because doing that kind of thing is just not me. He will have to live his life without me. I just hope he never looks back at his life and realize that he made the dumbest mistake by letting me go. Cause this time....when I leave, I'm gone forever. I can't be put into this heart-breaking scenario over and over and over. I am worth more than that.

whole again

So this week was General Conference for our church. It is when the Apostles and Prophet speaks to the church as a collective group. It is an amazing time of receiving answers, counsel, and making changes. That is exactly what happened. The week kicked off with my mission reunion. It was the hardest thing to walk up to Pres and Sr. Wadsworth without someone to introduce them to. It was great to see some of my old companions and friends from the mission.

I stayed with friends from Georgia and watched conference with them. There were a lot of good talks and lots of counsel given. I have much to improve on and much to be grateful for.

It was painfully hard for me when Kevin called just to say hello. He had already done it three times this week. He had been to the priesthood conference and he said that things were different and he needed to talk. I was freaking out. I had just poured my whole soul to him on Wednesday of how I am not doing well without him, I miss him terrible, and I just didn't feel whole. He didn't say anything back and I had just planned moving on and accepting that we would probably never be together ever again.

I started thinking about the opposite side now and trying not to get my hopes up while also trying to be so happy that I could burst. It was hard sleeping on the days he called. But last night was just ridiculous. I just imagined every possible scenario that could happen when we planned to meet the next day and he would tell me everything.

So the next day rolled by....very slowly. I didn't see Kevin until 6:30 that night. He was waiting for me in the church parking lot when I drove up. He hugged me with the "I missed you" hug and I knew everything would be alright. He sat me down on the grass. He had his journal with him and started telling me about the priesthood conference. He told me that he was really focused when all of a sudden I popped into his mind. He wrote my name down and underneath wrote, "feel different about her." I don't know what else he said after that cause I was already in la la land by now. He pictured himself marrying me, but then he only thought of three reasons why: physical connection, socially capable, and worthy. He needed to see me in many types of situations. So we needed to date.

Then the cutest thing happened. He took me in his arms and whispered in my ear, "So will you forgive me and take me back." I looked up his beautiful green eyes and just got lost. I stared for awhile and he shifted uncomfortably and asked again. I smiled and almost laughingly said, "Yes!" From that moment on we laughed and held each other and I haven't been so content since the moment he has left my arms. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that the future without Kevin looks very bleak to me and I don't want to be without him as long as I have a say! He is my heart!