Hoole...and other distractions

I've recently gotten into this amazing book series. Actually my life is kind of trapped in them currently. It is great to have a break from home...but there reasons to hide myself in my room. So I read this amazing book series in the meantime.

My classes have been doing their expedition on birds. Bird this..birds that. Well during the summer when I was researching to get myself ready I came across a book called Capture by Kathryn Lasky. It was amazing. It taught lessons about how you should follow your heart and cling to your past to help you make decisions in the future. It was about owl kingdoms that were in danger of complete and utter distraction, if not for the Guardians of GaHoole who rise each night to perform noble deeds, make strong the weak, vanquish the proud...etc. I read the first one to my crew and we ended up reading the first three together. Well since I have so much time on my hands I am now on book 9. I have slowed a bit because I got all the seasons of Office for Christmas...and my eyes hurt from scanning back and forth. So I have had a chronic headache the last few days. But still I am enthralled. It has "captured" my attention even more than the Twilight or Harry Potter series. It teaches lessons about the gizzard (the heart).

It is my outlet for the time being...but changes are coming and I feel them. There are so many goals I have myself for this coming up year. I want to start writing again and preparing my motivational talks. I want to do something outlandish this summer....possibly Germany in the near future. I miss a dear friend there. I want to look into starting my Masters. I'm impatient to have my own family...but I guess I should be using this time wisely. I hear so many couples wishing that they would have found each other later in life so they could achieve their single dreams. I feel no such hold back. I can't wait for the day that I no longer have to fill my time with unfulfilled dreams to be accomplished by myself. I'm ready to work as a team player.

In the meantime...books, writing, teaching, occasional dating, dancing, and keeping myself on the straight and narrow!

12-3-08

It's been awhile. I have avoided updating my life because there is not always alot of good stuff going on and I don't want to disappoint my readers. ;)

Events in my life have been up and down as always, but there are many celebrations. I made it through the first few months of school without killing myself or any of the students. ;) I've met alot of people here in Ogden and have learned what true friendship means and who you're true friends really are. I miss those that are far away from me.

I am excited for a new year. I need a few dramatic changes and a few chances to start over. This year there was alot of improvement and alot of things I learned about myself, but I am grateful for the progress I have made. Sometimes certain things have happened or I have been hurt along the way, but then I have to look at where I was and where I currently am.

I went to Tennessee to visit with family. It was alot of fun to spend time with my nieces and brother and sister-in-law. I am excited to take some time off from school in three weeks. There is so much to do and I never have breathing time. So endure is what is the goal for the next few weeks.

drained...

So I've decided to so things differently the last two weeks. But I am finding that bad habits are hard to break. I am ready for a break already.

I'm going to Tennessee for Thanksgiving and Texas for Christmas. The breaks are not coming soon enough. I get excited about things and certain things that I should be excited about...I'm not. I get disappointed if things don't work out or if plans fall through.

I've picked up a few projects again and I'm getting more and more used to my surroundings in Utah. The dating is still a failure so far, but what can you do but keep moving forward? I wish I didn't have that problem anymore.

School is tiring. Mono is going around in our school and I just hope I can avoid catching any sicknesses. It would be so hard to make up substitute lesson plans. Our school is so unique that I would hate to be a substitute coming to our school. It's ridiculously organized.

Mmmm not the best update, but I feel so....drained. I had an amazing week last week and I was mostly happy. I need that kind of week again.

11-5-08

I've made a few life changes lately and I am doing great. One of the goals I have made is to be happy. Eternally happy. Whatever it takes! Sometimes that will mean giving up what I want and waiting on the Lord. I am OK with that ;) I've had a hard past few months and I am tired of it. I want control of my life again and I have tried as much as I can.

So I am moving to another phase..similar to what happened in April to me...but more permanent.

School is great...busy...but an adventure. OK that's the update for now! My new haircut is on here. I got it in Idaho at a Spa with my best friends. We pampered ourselves and spent lots of money! ;)

10-25-08

Sundays are always good and bad for me. So I am going to prepare for this one.

• I had a pretty decent week of school. My plans went better until about Thursday.
• I even had a few connection minutes in Lit. class with a few students! Yay!
• I have a date with the cutest guy in the ward tonight ;) But I also won that at the dating auction! ;)
• K and I are on talking terms and we're celebrating his birthday next week. I miss his friendship.  I need to hurry and date someone so it can be normal again!
• My car has been running good.
• I am pretty healthy.
• Grateful to be in my institute teacher
• I've spent three days with Meisha and her family. And have loved it!
• I went to a character dinner yesterday and had a blast being Ms. Scarlet.

Ms. Scarlet....

Tonight was so much fun! I was invited to this party where you are given a character and you show acting the part. So our them was the Clue game/movie. I was of course Ms. Scarlet. We changed it a little to where she was also southern and a daddy's girl. I was very flirtatious and lively at the party always mentioning my good looks and how wealthy I was. It was so much fun and the other characters played their part so well. I included to picture. It is definitely on the top ten list for Ogden ;)


Misha and Kirstie fixing my hair and makeup!

Yes I am a knockout when I actually try!!!

This group was so much fun to be in character with!!!

Yes folks....that is the amazing Jenny Flake!

Today

10-23-08

I am not a quick mover on-er. I wish I could be. I start entertaining thoughts of being with certain people and then it takes me forever to talk myself out of liking them. I think I have a separation stress that comes over me and then I get very needy. Then I start liking random people that are not even close to what I'm looking for. And then they take days and weeks to get over and I just waste my time liking people that are not even what I'm looking for.

Just some confusing thoughts that I've had lately. I miss my family. I don't like being here in Ogden alone. Josh is only two hours away, but he is so busy with work and school that I feel like I burden him. My dad has been a little weepy every time I call and he is worried. I know he is. I am struggling...and he can't do anything for me. I can only turn things around. And I will....it's just a matter as long suffering, patience, and perseverance...and well I'm just too stubborn to give up on things that I know that are right. I just need to make sure I'm right.

a little update

Oct. 21

So this week has been pretty good so far. My teaching has been better since all the training occured last week, although I have so much room for improvement. But baby steps right?

For FHE on Monday, we went to the corn maze and had a blast. Some pictures are included ;)

One of my new friends is starting to read my blog and it makes me worried because sometimes I don't put the most uplifting things. I guess there is good and bad in that. I am brutally honest and I don't beat around the bush about my feelings. That is sometimes good...somtimes bad. But I also feel like I should be accentuating the positive in my life and not focusing on the negative. So because I have realized it lately, I am going to try not to tell as much sad and hard things, although this is kind of my journal, and I want to express both the good, the bad, and the ugly....I also feel like there is so much to be grateful for in my life.

For example today...one of my students came up to me and said, "Mrs. Flake, you are the most beautiful teacher I have ever had." I guess she's had the bad and ugly! :) But it made me feel so good inside. And it didn't even come from a boy!

Sometimes I rely too much on what boys think of me and not enough on how amazing I am. One of the best things about me I feel is not viewed from the outside, but the inside. I am a faithful daughter of God and love Him. You can tell someone is faithful by the way they act and I definitely need improvement on it, but I hope that is what my friends seein me as well.

Well here was a short update. Let me know how you think the black hair looks ;)

10-18

I am having a hard night which has surprised me because I have been doing so good the last few days. I thought would be a good time to count my blessings.

• The day was beautiful. Actually the weather all week has been nice and fairly warm. After that snowy day, I needed a few warm ones.
• I asked Paul on a date and he was gracious enough to go to a monastery with me. He was really nice and it was fun.
• I met the greatest guy online and we are getting to be good friends.
• I have not struggled with thinking about Kevin until today, and I have been able to see the bright side of us not being together.
• I watched the anorexia movie again and I am truly blessed to have a fit and semi-healthy body.
• Church is tomorrow and I will be strengthened again.

Wait....

One of my favorite friends sent me this poem and as I read it I cried, because this is exactly what I needed. Times are tough nowadays, and as the Second Coming approaches, it will continue to get tougher. Sometimes I pray and cry and I feel this emptiness inside. But I think it's because I'm yearning for that companionship of the Spirit that only Heavenly Father can send. I feel as if there is sometimes an internal battle inside of my body. The enemy of my soul would love it if I just gave up and gave in to the temptations that so easily persuade me. It's amazing how inside of me, I want to do what's right. I want to be good. And then when something is hard for me to deal with, it takes everything not to just throw the towel and give in. But I was made stronger than that. I have genes of a God in me and there is no way that I will give up on Him if he will never give up on me. And that will never happen.

So here is the poem. It is truly amazing!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you."

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

So I'm blessed....

I am such a whiner. These last few months have been hard for me yes, but it could be so much worse. I tend to only have relationship problems, but I am kept safe from so many other problems life has to offer. I should feel extremely blessed that men problems is the worst!

I was watching this documentary on Anorexia. Oh my goodness. I was so sad watch people waste their lives away in obsession over being thin. It truly is an illness. Here I am complaining about not being able to move on very quickly after heartbreaks, yet I feel like I never stop my life over it. Well I did once and that was a no-no. But that was 4 years ago. Yet, sometimes it is hard to stay motivated during times of depression, I never bail out of work, I never miss church and blame God for my woes (because in the end I know He will be the only one standing after a disaster.) I know He'll never leave me no matter how stubborn and silly I am.

But to see these girls obsess after something so unhealthy was heart-wrenching. One of the girls had two kids. She was admitted into a facility and had a pretty positive attitude. They kept up with her after she left and she was recorded going out to eat, and while her kids were watching TV, she spent the bulk of the night in the bathroom purging her guts out. I much rather would have spent the night holding my loved ones than my stomach, but that's when it hit me that we all do amazingly stupid things for no particular reason but to feed our pride, ambitions, lusts, appetites, and behaviors. I knew it, but it just rang true yesterday.

I am about as stupid in the boy department and stubborn. People follow the dating stories that I tell and they are amazed with the crap I can put up with. I just allow myself to be walked on and take it because at least it's an emotion coming from something other than my computer monitor screen. Without realizing it, I lose the respect of the guys I date and become someone I am not. I am not like this in any other situations in life. I am pretty consistent in my job and my church life. But my relationship department, including friendships and family, just kick my little white fanny! I would love some consistency there. But still. my car is running great, I have food, my job is great, my family is supportive and healthy, I am healthy, and I am member of God's church. I am truly blessed.

10-13 Moving on

Ok so I sent everything I felt to K last night and there is nothing else I can do. He'll shove the love away, I'll be hurt for a little longer, and then I'll find a wonderful man that's been waiting for that love all along. And I'll wonder where this man has been for the last 4 years and will drop-kick love all over him ;) (but carefully) I tend to over do it sometimes! :0

10-11-08

So yesterday I was getting ready for work, and a couple of things hit me.
And it helped change my position.

I am right for Kevin.
Kevin is not right for me.
I did everything I could to make it work and he is just....dumb!
So all I can do now is move on.
I guess I had been waiting for that little confidence boost because after being rejected by him so much, I felt like I wasn't worth anyone.

I am grateful for my friendship with Eliza. She was pretty much my first friendship here in Ogen and although she is crazy and eccentric, it beats being alone.

incapable of love

I know now what is happening. I have prayed and cried, prayed, and read, prayed and cried and repeated the process atleast ten times with a few sprinkles of temple and church worship. I've talked to tons of people about it. And I have come to a conclusion that feels right in my heart.

I am right for Kevin. So right. He is the one that is not right for me. He will find it hard to find someone that can love him and care for him as much as I do. He has things in his past, that many girls will find hard to accept. And I do accpet that part of him and love him all the more because he has struggled. When you get the love of a southern belle, there is nothing quite as faithful as that type of love. And he has it.

But the problem is, if I were to walk into that relationship, only he would be complete in one way. Because of his choices. He chooses not to love me or get attached to me right now for whatever reasons. I would definitely get the sour end of the deal. I would not be complete in every way possible. He could change that by giving me the chance and love I deserve, but in any other way, Heavenly Father refuses to let it work. I am entitled to so much more love. He also would not feel completed because he doesn't love me. He needs more than just my love. He needs to need and want the girl back.

And so....there is nothing I can do. It is impossible to be friends with him right now. He has hurt me so deeply in so many ways and has lost my faith and trust in him completely. I am sorry to say that he could probably win that back with alot of patience of endurance because I truly love him. It is a curse right now to be in love with such an ignorant and noncommital person. He cares only for himself at this point and there is nothing to be done except to accept and move on.

I am worth so much more than this pain. I deserve so much more. He is an ass for not realizing that I have needs just as he does. He could have been so much more sensitive of my feelings. But he wasn't and he won't at this point. He can't see that anything is wrong with him. But there is. And that makes me want him that much more. But I just can't. I will force myself to move one foot in front of the other.

Give me a few months. I'll move on. I will find the right one for me. It might take eternity, but I would rather have that than a wishy-washy guy who can't realize what he has.

Recognizing blessings- 10/8/08

I am having a hard time recognizing my blessings. I am having a hard time with Kevin and boys in general and I just can't keep seem to feel God's love. I know He is there, but I can't see how His hand is in my life.

10-08-08

• I have a temple right down the street that I am able to go to.
• I have an amazing daddy.
• My director and collegues are supportive to me.
• Some of my students make my heart melt.
• Shayler tells me things the way they are!

bad day...

Hard day.
Parent yelled at me.
Kevin and I broke things off for yet a third time within only 1 month and a half of knowing each other.
Heartless.
Broken.
Hurt.
Friends is not even an option right now.

Love my Institute teacher.
Love Jeremy. Wish we could repeat Sunday. He kisses the best out of anyone I know.
He'll love that comment.
Non-committals...they are like the feign of the eternal pit and should be shot.
I miss my daddy.
Crying is getting old.
When does it end?

wishy-washy

And yesterday he was wishy-washy. He can't decide if it was a prompting to just be my friend or if he should date me. I am not going to stay and wait till he figures it out. I am going to date other people. I don't like the fact that he acts one way and does another. It makes a southern girl really upset that she is not worth his commitment level. He wants to date for maybe even a year without so much as an inch of commitment. Is he yoiks? He is not ready for me. That is all there is to say about that. Obviously he doesn't know me that well, because doing that kind of thing is just not me. He will have to live his life without me. I just hope he never looks back at his life and realize that he made the dumbest mistake by letting me go. Cause this time....when I leave, I'm gone forever. I can't be put into this heart-breaking scenario over and over and over. I am worth more than that.

whole again

So this week was General Conference for our church. It is when the Apostles and Prophet speaks to the church as a collective group. It is an amazing time of receiving answers, counsel, and making changes. That is exactly what happened. The week kicked off with my mission reunion. It was the hardest thing to walk up to Pres and Sr. Wadsworth without someone to introduce them to. It was great to see some of my old companions and friends from the mission.

I stayed with friends from Georgia and watched conference with them. There were a lot of good talks and lots of counsel given. I have much to improve on and much to be grateful for.

It was painfully hard for me when Kevin called just to say hello. He had already done it three times this week. He had been to the priesthood conference and he said that things were different and he needed to talk. I was freaking out. I had just poured my whole soul to him on Wednesday of how I am not doing well without him, I miss him terrible, and I just didn't feel whole. He didn't say anything back and I had just planned moving on and accepting that we would probably never be together ever again.

I started thinking about the opposite side now and trying not to get my hopes up while also trying to be so happy that I could burst. It was hard sleeping on the days he called. But last night was just ridiculous. I just imagined every possible scenario that could happen when we planned to meet the next day and he would tell me everything.

So the next day rolled by....very slowly. I didn't see Kevin until 6:30 that night. He was waiting for me in the church parking lot when I drove up. He hugged me with the "I missed you" hug and I knew everything would be alright. He sat me down on the grass. He had his journal with him and started telling me about the priesthood conference. He told me that he was really focused when all of a sudden I popped into his mind. He wrote my name down and underneath wrote, "feel different about her." I don't know what else he said after that cause I was already in la la land by now. He pictured himself marrying me, but then he only thought of three reasons why: physical connection, socially capable, and worthy. He needed to see me in many types of situations. So we needed to date.

Then the cutest thing happened. He took me in his arms and whispered in my ear, "So will you forgive me and take me back." I looked up his beautiful green eyes and just got lost. I stared for awhile and he shifted uncomfortably and asked again. I smiled and almost laughingly said, "Yes!" From that moment on we laughed and held each other and I haven't been so content since the moment he has left my arms. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that the future without Kevin looks very bleak to me and I don't want to be without him as long as I have a say! He is my heart!

lost friends...

So my weekend was crazy in Idaho. It was so fun to drive back with Ang. We got there at about 7 and went on a triple date with someone from my mission. Dennis. He's a riot and we had a lot of fun minus a few misunderstandings.

I went to the Latin dance and I almost cried cause my favorite dance partner, Reef, was not there. Actually a lot of my friends were gone and I realized that my life is slipping in and out of other people's lives so quickly that it sometimes leaves me feeling empty.

Looking back on school years, I would have best friends. Ashley and Lynsey were my best friends who lived next door and we were pretty much tight until high school slammed us into different paths. I had a few others: Arlene, Jenna, Kellie, Miguel, Seth, Leander, etc etc. Where are they today? Far away! Some of them I have no idea what they are doing. Why is that we make and lose friends. Why can't friends be friends forever? People have the commitment level of a teaspoon these days and I am feeling that especially lately in the friendship department.

Ok I am done venting. So the rest of the weekend kind of dragged because I realized my friends weren't in Idaho anymore and that my life was completely separated from theirs. Sad in some ways, but I guess I am lucky I've been able to have so many friends in my life. I just wonder how consistent the relationship really was. Was it out of convenience? Who knows? But I do miss my friends. I am one to keep up with people for years, but it is hard when that notion is not returned. So to all my old and new friends, I love and miss you wherever you are! ;)

I miss K. On Sunday night I was calling him and every time I dialed his number it said the line was busy. I got so frustrated. I thought, "Well maybe he blocked me from his phone." Then I just fumed a little. This is all at about 10:30 when I am supposed to be having sweet dreams. After ten minutes of pouting, he calls. It had been two weeks. I miss his voice. I miss his eyes. I miss his touch. I miss his laugh. I miss his red face. I miss K! Dreadfully! I started shaking when I was talking to him and it took me about an hour after he called to calm down. We only talked twenty minutes, but other than the sometimes violent shake, I haven't felt so peaceful in awhile. I miss him. There is just no denying that I love that boy!

reminders....

I've had a few reminders of a certain person and each time I get them it makes my heart twinge for him.

• I was on a date, and the star in the movie were watching looked exactly like him, and had his same name. We'll call him K. That was hard to listen to the whole movie cause I just thought about it the whole night.
• Then I went another date with this guy. We'll call him S. We went to the same restaurant K and I had been to with my parents. We sat in the same booth on the same side. Except S was in K's spot and I was unhappy to see that he was not as handsome as K was. And he ate onions, which K had avoided because he knew I hated the smell. Either that or he wanted kisses later, which he got!
• I was cleaning my room, and I saw a little piece of trash behind my bed. It was a sticker of some sort so I almost threw it away without glancing at it. It was K's name on the sticker. It must have fell off of him the night we had our strong connection. Sucky to remember it right before I had to go face the world.

These simple and disturbing reminders ask me what in hades name am I doing without this boy in my life. Yet then I remember that K was not ready to settle down and so I was backing up to let him breathe. But ever since he's been gone, I have hard a hard time breathing without him.

Ok today was awesome.

I have had so much fun with my crew at school. I am like their homeroom base teacher, but I've had them the last part of the day (2 1/2 hrs) for expedition. I'll be sad when they rotate in a week. The characteristic we were working on this week was adventure. We built forts and watched Hoot (A movie about protecting birds). We've bonded a lot lately and I feel like they are my kids. I had to be so strict in the beginning, but I am loosening up because they are getting better at following directions. It's my other English classes that I haven't had for very long that I am have to pull the reins pretty hard with.

With every class, I did a hip-hop routine with and they loved it. They were like, "Ms. Flake! You're awesome. You move so fast." Good thing they don't know that I'm on the bottom of the "best dancer" line. But I seriously love to dance. That is my "out." I feel free...like I am home. I have realized lately how little of dancing I have been doing, and it really is having an effect on my attitude. So Eliza and I are dancing in the talent show. That will be interesting. She's like ghetto girl and I am Ballroom chick!

My school has this big gymnasium and I am thinking of going in after school and getting back into my clog and jazz. I miss it. I will have to reteach myself. It's been awhile and I have become more self-conscious. I really want to ballroom dance again. That is my true passion. But the problem is...finding the perfect partner. The one that moves with you...and not against you. Who leads with a gentle hand and who shares the same passion you do. Very difficult. I'm working on it though! I want to one day do a cabaret with someone. That is my ultimate dream. Oh besides running and touring my own dance company and performing professionally. That will take some more effort and training on my part. I'm only a silver dancer so there is much work to do!

Oh and then the best part of the day- My students chose service to work on last week. They chose a service project....giving appreciation baskets to each teacher. They loved handing them out to the teachers and I know the teachers liked it! Then I find out that the school is doing an article on it in the school newspaper. Awesome huh!

Ok the best of the best news is that I was chosen to attend the EL (Expeditionary Learning) Conference in SLC for three days. EL is the type of Charter school we are and there are certain protocols we learn and apply in our teaching and we're all new to it, so I am honored that I was chosen. It will be a blast getting with other teachers that have the same passion about teaching that I do. Plus the EL trainers are HOOOOTTT!!! :0

Had to throw that tid-bit in. But hey I can! I am single. Yay! It's fun at times. Right now it's a blast. Poor Sam. He wants me to settle down and date him, but I am just having way too much checking out my options. I know how Kevin felt now and I am very much more sympathetic. If you don't feel it, why settle. I am so glad he didn't. I don't think he is quite right for me. I need someone to want me more than just for a good kiss.

Well I have a date today and tomorrow with Sam. I have a blind date with someone on Wednesday and I am going to Idaho to have a few more dates with friends from school. Life is good. Just give me a day...it will be a train wreck soon. That's the roller coaster of life. It's down and now it's up again.

a week's worth....phew!!!!

So much can happen in a week.

I met someone. He actually was a blind date that I had in between shaky times with Kevin and I. His name is Sam. He is really tall and a really big guy. LOL. We're an odd match in ways, but perfect in others. He is everything I am looking for so far. Except he can't dance, but I learned on a walk with him the other night that he doesn't mind it and would be into learning. Score. But he hates BYU- strike!!! Oh well. You can't win them all.

He blushes when I smile at him. That part is the cutest. It helps me remember I am a catch worth catching. For once I am moving like molasses. I've only hugged him like three times and they were really fast hugs. I keep my hands inside my jacket or pant pockets. I don't know why, but I don't feel any sparks and so I am okay with just being friends with him right more. He's willing to wait as long as it takes for me to move on from the boy drama I'm in right now, and that's also very appealing to me. He's nicer than I deserve!

The only hard part in my life is I am having a hard time getting over Kevin. It doesn't make sense about the connection we had and the almost entire pushing each other out of each other's life. I backed up so Kevin could date other people, but when he found out I was dating other people, it made him upset. Did he expect me to wait until he realized I was right for him all along? I told him I was seeing Sam, but I just couldn't move on until I knew it wouldn't work. And it hasn't worked because we haven't given each other that chance. We've just been using each other. Well I haven't. My heart still beats faster when I think about him, but I think his pride won't allow him to ever return to my arms. So it is a loss in ways, and a blessing in others.

Good thing no one knows this Kevin. That would suck, but really, guys he is amazing. I'm only making him out to be a bad guy because it's easier to move on when you can find ways that he's not right for you. Which took me awhile at first, but he is very against dating now. In fact he says it's "non-negotiable." So that hurt, but life moves on right.

Mission reunion is coming up. That rocks. I can't wait to see my mission daddy! I love President Wadsworth. He's pretty much amazing! It will be great to see some old friends, and a few of my friends are coming down for conference, so it means a couple of dates, a whole bunch of laughing and good times, and no worries in the world! Until then, keep on surfing cause life is good! Cheers!

woes and not so woes

I made a hard life decision on Sunday. I had to say goodbye to the one that has made my heart beat faster for the last three weeks. We had a crazy thing going and he wasn't ready to settle down. And well I'm too jealous of a girl to see it watch it blow up in my face. So there.

Actually ever since then I have been doing much better. Two friends, Ray and Hyrum came over and gave me a blessing that night. They made me write down reasons that my life stunk at that very second. I wrote down about 5 big ones. Then they taught me from the scriptures about Christ and how we should rely on him, trust in him, and turn to him in times of crisis. I have been turning to myself. Why is this not working? What am I do wrong? What does Kevin not like in me? Blah Blah Blah!!!!

Then they asked me how I felt after they taught me the parable of Christ calming the seas. I noticed that instead of feeling antsy, upset, and the burning in my heart that felt like someone was grasping it in not a nice way, I felt free and calm. The last few days have been hard without hearing from him, but as I focus on the Savior instead of me, it relives from the pain I feel from losing him.

Who knows what will happen with him! I don't know if he'll just figure things out one day and it will go back to the way it was supposed to be, or if I'll continue to realize that it is a blessing to be free from someone who never cared enough to stay. Either way, I have a date tonight with someone else and I am doing my part to move on.

On a crazier note, one of my trouble kids refused to participate and doesn't care when he is in trouble. I wanted to scream at him out of frustration, but I hugged him instead. It took him way off guard and even though he probably won't change right away, love is the answer to everything.

Ogden has had a lot of ups and downs. More than I expected, but I also feel like I've grown a whole heap and well good learning just doesn't happen any other way. I love the school I am at! It's challenging at days because it is definitely not the traditional way to teach! That is why it is so amazing! One of my favorite families from the mission are being sealed this weekend and there is no greater feeling than that at this point in my life.

As holidays start rolling towards us, I am realizing how much I want and need my friends in my life. Ogden can be lonely at times and even though I have met great people, I haven't gotten that bond of friends that I really feel I need in my life. So thanks to all of you friends who care about me and keep in touch. Keeping in touch is a gift, I know, but life is so much better with friends surrounding you.

Best and Worst

So here I am again
Back at square one
Where I feel I always am

Two Sundays ago I met the most amazing guy ever. He was just what I was looking for. Nice, friendly, compassionate, cute, and strong in the church. We hung out every day after, he met my parents, who happened to be down for the weekend, and it just felt right in every way. I spent every moment I could with him, which was hard because I was with my parents and trying to get my classroom ready. It would have been murder without them.

There are so many connection moments that Kevin and I had and for once I felt we liked each other equally and that there was a great chance we would date sooner than later. We kissed at the end of the week. So I thought, "Well let's date." He held back because he had just been home only under a month and back in the states only two weeks.

He was going to the mountains that weekend and wanted time to think it out and pray about it. Well to be completely honest, that was one hard weekend without him. I missed him so much! There was another guy that I was kind of interested before I met Kevin and so before I was tormented with having to choose one of them because they were both uniquely awesome. But when Kevin left, I knew that Ray had no chance. Life was dull again and so were my feelings for Ray.

Kevin came back late Sunday night. I was so anxious to see him. He never called. Or came over. I was starting to get nervous. I drove to his house to realize he still wasn't home. He finally called at 11:30 and with a very emotionless voice told me he was fine. He had received an answer but he wanted to tell me in person. He didn't sound excited and when I told him how much I had missed him, he just changed the subject. It was hard on my ego and pride, and that night started a whole week of uneasiness.

The next day I was preparing for my first day of school which was the following day. I was a bunch of nerves. On top of that, I was unsure how Kevin felt and my heart ached for him. I needed him right now. I did not need him to be distant from me right now. He wanted to meet for lunch. We did and I could tell right away it was exactly as I thought it would be. He didn't necessarily tell me he didn't want to date me, but he just saw so many options in front of him that he wasn't ready to settle down. He also encouraged me to go to Institute to meet other guys. I was heartbroken. He had told me he wanted to go out on dates still, but the love I had felt from him last week was nonexistent.

My body did not know how to take that hard blow. It was like a demon erupted inside of me. I screamed in agony inside and still yearned for him to reach out and hold me. I left defeated and cried pretty much the entire night. How could those feelings be changed over a weekend? I knew something was wrong. I told Kevin I needed to see him the next night. He was hesitant, but agreed.

When I came to his house, he was very standoffish. I had just been with Ray and when he had called me back, Ray was talking to me in the background. I think he felt it was an opportunity to get me to back out. "Why don't you date Ray again," he said. I was shocked he could push me off so easily. I asked him could we go for a walk. He didn't want to but finally relented after he saw I needed it more than air. We walked up by the mountain near his house. We just talked. Mostly him about his childhood memories near the mountain. He was so distant, like we had never touched before. He heard a noise and thought it a great reason to go back.

We went back to his downstairs apartment and he was wishing me to go so he could get homework done. I looked up at him and begged for reasons for this new change. he sat me down on the couch and explained that the last two weeks had been really hard on him. He had gotten back into some old habits and would need to meet with a Bishop. I settled down after he told me and felt calmer in ways.

I told him of a problem I struggled with after my mission. I told him I also had gone through the same thing and shared my feelings about how hard it is getting back into the swing of things after mission life. He stared at me for a good minute after I told him my struggle. He reached out and grabbed for the first time that night and just clung to me. He said, "Oh Jenny! That's what I'm struggling with too." From that moment on, the way he felt about me changed completely. He had opened up to me and shared something he felt he could never tell anyone but his mom and bishop.

He expected me to get up, run away, and never look back at a person like him. Actually I do the opposite. I cling harder to the person, be the best support I can be, and try to fill this person with love that they've been lacking. That kind of love-giving can eventually push you away from each other which is what happened after two amazing nights of connection with him. We had gotten too close to messing up on the last night and I ran out the house upset I had let it move so fast. I turned back to him and held him one last time. I whispered, "Please can we never do that again." He stared at me blankly and said, "I promise."

The next day we talked and he told me it would be best not to see or talk to each other anymore. I can't even tell you how I felt after those words. Used, hurt, angry, numb, and so done with life at that moment that nothing seemed to matter anymore. I had already had a rough week at school trying to focus on my job and leave home life at home. I was failing miserably and my students felt when things were not right.

I called him the next day begging him to reconsider. I told him I just couldn't not talk to him and that it hurt too much. He was emotionless as he told me he just wasn't ready. So in a nutshell, these have been my joys and pains for the last two weeks and the roller coaster is never-ending.

I;m sure my readers are thinking, "Gosh Jenny. It's just a guy you've been with for only two weeks." But you see my fine friends, that is not the point. This same process has happened to me over and over and over. First there was Micaiah, Steve, Chad, Trevor, Randy, Robert, and many other disappointing relationships that never even started. I don't know why God keeps me from something that I've wanted for so long. It seems to come easily for some. Some girls marry at 18 and they never struggle with never having someone. I am now 24 and feel like I've struggled for a good 6 years for accepting that I don't need someone to be happy. Obviously I haven't learned enough though and so I am cursed to walk alone once more.

First Day of Forever

So I am a teacher
and today was my first day
and what hit me, I had not planned

The students came in early, way too early, and I'm already having a bad week from relationship hardships. Parents came along. Kids put their materials in an assembly line. What a disaster!!!! I had way too much time in between transitions and I was twiddling my thumbs. How do teachers fill the time?? Who knows? I should give myself more credit. I'm on a first-day first year teacher and no one got hurt. Well a little boy did pop himself in the face with his water bottle and pretty much soaked himself silly. He started crying. but what was sad was that I had already made him cry three hours previous.

The pickup was a disaster. The parents were as unprepared as the teachers. Charter school is such a different concept and even though I chose it over a traditional way of teaching because it's pretty much an amazing concept, I wish I was back to the "Teacher gives instructions- students follow. Now it's a lot of preparation for me and I already had no social life. I guess I am going to die single!!!

I had an amazing week last week with this guy I met, Kevin. He even met my parents when they were down. He's pretty much amazing and I didn't want the week to end. Well it did and it's back to the frustrating dating life I never seem to get right. Won't the right one please stand up and end my misery???

No of course not! It's never that simple. And neither is my school. So I guess in about a month things will settle----hopefully. Until then..enduring to the end!

Yours faithfully
Jenny

Life's hard lessons in Ogden

Life in Ogden has been adventurous to say the least. I feel very unsettle in my uncomfortable apartment. I have learned my lesson with living with people outside of my faith. They do things I've never been okay with. Others may do it with ease, but it has been hard for me. My parents tried to convince me not to, but I had always loved being a missionary and what better way than moving in where you can be an example at all times.

It wasn't cherry pie, that's for sure. But I feel I learned a lesson that couldn't be learned any other way. It's so important for me to surround myself with good influences who live and believe as I do. It's not to say I don't want to be friends and love them, it's just that it is too hard trying to blend the two in the same house. It still continues till the end of the month, so there is more to learn I suppose. I have messed up, of course, but I will never learn if I don't sometimes fall down.

Besides that, I have been getting my new classroom ready. It is an old school that we have moved into for the meantime until our new school is built. It is an exceptionally challenging school to learn as well as teach in. That is why I chose to move here. I never wanted to teach in a traditional school. I wanted a more progressive schooling where there was hands on learning, and inquiry based teaching. It challenges me as well as my students. I'll be teaching 3-5 grades so I shouldn't be bored. At first ;)

To all those who keep asking, I am not currently working on my book. It doesn't mean I won't finish it, but I want to leave it for awhile. I feel I got everything out that needs to be out and now I need to let the feelings stand alone awhile until I'm ready to pick it up again. It was harder than I thought. So instead I am working on a children's book series. It is so fun! If nothing else, they will be amusing stories for my students.

As far as relationships go, I have met someone recently that has a twinkle in their eye for me. I don't know how much so that is all I will say for now. We are getting to know each other VERY SLOW, and I am surprised how calm I am about that! If nothing else, he has been a fun friend to be with. I miss Vegas and the friendships I had there. But on to a new page right??

crazy.....

So here I am in Ogden Utah! Life has begun again. I'm extremely busy again and life is good. Owen, a friend of mine, reminded me when I was deciding where to live that I should not rule out Utah just because of the "weird Mormons" that lived there, and the excessive snow. He encouraged me that this was a great opportunity to start over. No one knew me and it was a fresh start in life. So I went to my interview with eyes half-way shut and realized after many nights on my knees and after talking to anyone that would listen that this is where I was supposed to be.

So I started wrapping up my life in Vegas, a little taking the trash out, and moving to a place where I potentially did not know a single person. It was hard at first, but alot of things fell together, or I should say apart right before I left Vegas. I really found out what true friendship meant and I learned a little about who I am deep, deep inside. And I was truly happy that I had stayed strong through a long summer.

It was great in Ogden. The lady that I work closely with was fabulous and I loved my new condo that I shared with two other girls. Things have recently gotten sticky with the housing and I pretty much will have to find somewhere else to live next month, but it was fun while it lasted....
I met some pretty amazing people right away and life has been a lot more exciting of late.

Today was my first orientation with the new awesome school I'm at. It's top of the line! It's the most progressive school I have found so far and it's exactly the way I like to teach. But yet its challenging enough where I constantly am trying to stretch myself. One day I will be a Master Teacher and life will rock! So there is a little update.

Still no relationships to report on...although I have a date tonight so stay tuned ;)

The Roller Coaster of Life

Well the last few months since graduation has definitely been a twist in my life. I've learned many hard and valuable lessons, some of which I pray I never repeat! I've probably developed more wrinkles in my brain, creases in my forehead, and wrinkles under my eyes.

And through it all, I would have had it no other way. I probably could have done things differently, but if you don't mess up anything, you don't have anything to fix. And fixin things are my specialty. lol I think I'll take a break from fixin others' problems and spend more time fixin myself.

I've made a huge decision to be in Utah for the next year. That is the last place I thought I wanted to be. But it turns out, that God knows a lot more than I give him credit for and things are going beautifully for me in the beautiful mountains of Utah! I look around and see God's wonders more than I ever did in Vegas. But I do sometimes miss the starry lights from the city and my friends and mission buds! But what a vacation that will be, so I'm not too concerned!

I've had a couple of relationships with guys this summer that have made my heart race, but the non commitment of it all rattled my brain, kept me puzzled, and left me with emptiness. But in that process, I have met one guy that has made my heart melt more than any guy since my ex-fiance. I haven't felt that much chemistry and attraction for awhile and yet, there is so much more to him than that. He's still unknown to most people and I am not even sure he understands or even knows that I feel this way for him. We're obviously not dating, but I've found what I'm looking for and I'm content.

This summer has been all about finding out the dreams and hopes I've had and want to have and making them come true. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl and I am making it happen in less than a month. It's so exciting (and expensive) to get my classroom ready and to finally feel that what I'm doing is as worthwhile as the 18 months I spent on my knees praying and teaching for the people of Las Vegas.

Some of my passions and desires have been lost through the years until recently and I've found there is so much more life to look forward to than I could ever imagine. So there are ups and there are downs on this roller coaster of life. So I'm just trying to enjoy the ride, hold on during the downers, and look forward to the blast upward!

boys...boys...boys

So I have a dating journal that I have kept since I started going on dates (well the legal dating life of 16). I had a few before then, but we won't go there!

Back to the journal....in it I have recorded every single legal date I have ever been on. It can be quite a read if you actually get your hands on it. I basically write down everything: where we went, cute things he told me, what I learned about dating in general, how I felt about the guy, and my expectations of where I thought it would go. It's kind of a trophy book to someone from the outside I guess, but to me it is a learning tool.

For example, I have been able to look back at relationships and check myself through it's progress. One of the guys I actually ended up dating, I did this with. As the relationship progressed, I was coming to the decision of whether I should take the relationship to the next level or break up. I had done the pros and cons list, prayed about it, talked to everyone and their dog and I still wasn't quite sure what to do. I loved this guy obviously because I had invested so much time and heart into the relationship. It would have been hard at this time to give up something so great! But still...I had no answers. Just pure love. So I was writing a date in my journal one night and I decided to flip back through my dates with this guy that I loved so much. One our very first date, I was surprised with my first impressions. I had obviously blocked them out and forgotten about them. It said very clearly, "I don't think I would want to marry a guy like this, but he would be fun to hang out with." I flipped through the next date and still I had said, "Well he's nice and really good looking, but there is just something missing." As each date came, I stopped realizing all the things that weren't working and instead reported all the fun times we were having. It was easy to block out the uncertain when he was so fun! I realized then that I had ignored my first initial impression of this guy. I took that as an answer and moved forward with the breakup. It was one of the hardest decisions, but I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I would have just remembered that first initial impression.

Now I know this seems a little naive, but I still have my reasons for continuing to write. One day I will learn specifically why certain guys were brought in my life and that will reassure me it was worth the experience. Sometimes that verification is hard to see, yet, someday...it won't be.

So the point of this whole entry is to say this....I have been on 189 dates as of last Monday....and over I'd say 140 of those dates were first time dates. Either I was hooked up on a blind date, gutsy enough to ask a hot guy out, or some random guy was interested in me. Either way, that is a lot of freakin guys!!!! For 8 years, I have randomly trusted and given pieces of my heart to random guys. And all for the experience at times.

Dating can be extremely fun, and always had been until I started school at BYU-Idaho. There I started stressing out that friends were talking marriage everywhere I turned. RM's scraped the walls of that place and they were ready to move on to the next step in their life. My roommates were dropping like flies. 8 of them married while I lived with them. It can be quite frustrating, lonely, and hard when others are ,moving on with a huge step in their lives while you are being left behind. This Mormon culture that I grew up around definitely was having an impact and I have realized...taken all the fun out of dating. I used to have so much fun without a care in the world where the relationship would go. I would take each date as it came and live in the moment. I think it's time I return to that old me!

Welcome back Jenny! It's been awhile!

Summer photos

This is Owen.....the cute boy I had a fling with. Sad day it ended. :(

Me and my best friend, Heidi getting ready for the dance (where I would meet Owen)

These are my cute nieces, Lilly and Ginger. We had a blast on the beach every day!

This is my baby Austin. We grew up together and haven't seen each other for five years. It was like we never left. Love him!!!! So cool and accepting of others

This is me with a bunch of hotties from Georgia :) Kenny, Dave, Kyle and Keith! Some of the best guys ever!! Truly.

This is me with the happy couple, Kamie and James Detterback nd my best friend, Amber Gardner.

Oh I left this out and it was probably number 4 best Georgia good times :0 This is me and my Bryan in the air in his private plane. He probably would get pissed if I shared this but I also got kissed in the air for the first time ;) Love ya friend!! hehehe

Me and Anika, my best friends daughter! She is sooooo freakn cute!

my month......

Life has been crazy. I went to Six Flags a couple of weeks ago and my life can definitely can compare. One day is good and relaxing and the next is stressed out and worrisome. Today is...good!!!!

Well here's an update of my vacation life this summer. I do clean a house for a job, but decided that this summer I wanted to vacation more than work because teachers have a hard time adjusting their first year and vacation probably won't be happening much after I start.

So I started my adventures out in Texas. I stayed there a week with my family. I was able to work on my book, relax, chill out with my best girl, Heidi, and just be plain lazy! If that wasn't relaxing enough, I went to Florida with my family the next week. It was so much fun although I never did get enough sleep, although my family would say differently. I tanned as much as I could, but the two rainy days was a bummer, My parents bought me a timeshare for Graduation and that was awesome to get the deed to that!!!! I let my brother and his family stay in it this year, but next year I will invite my closest friends and party it up!!!
I had a blast hanging out with everyone. My nieces were so much fun this year!!! We had a blast flying kits on the beach.
An old friend who I grew up with in the condos was there this week, Austin. He is the coolest guy ever. Our paths go slightly different, but it's amazing how the time doesn't even seem to fade our friendship!!!

After a week there, I went back to Texas and spent another relaxing week with family and Heidi. On that Friday I met a cute boy, Owen and we hit it off like magic! We spent the weekend together and had a lot of fun.

Then I went to Georgia for a week and had a blast seeing old friends. I went to the best Amusement Park in the world, Six-Flags over GA!!!!! It was soooo not crowded, so we got to ride the best roller coaster there four times in a row, as well as a few times on each really good roller coaster. Some of them are old and shake your bones a lot--but it was still a blast! I attended my friends wedding Kamie (which was beautiful) and hung out with her sister, Amber Gardner who was my best friend growing up. It was like old times being with her!!! I feel in love with her daughter Anika who was the cutest girl ever!!!! The best part of Georgia was going to the church I grew up in. When I was there, there were only 30-40 people there every Sunday. When we went that week, there was 103 people there and the branch now has 4 sets of missionaries. It's amazing to see how the church grows! Man it's true!

Meanwhile I'm still talking to the guy in Texas (Owen) and missing him more and more each day. So I come home a day early to see him and the sad ending to this story is that I haven't seen him yet. He was busy with a business conference and later he told me he wasn't over his ex-gf and that he didn't want to hurt her by moving on too fast! ..............Understandable.........

So ya that week kind of sucked. I was having anxiety stress all week, I wasn't sure where I was going in my life was okay, and I felt like I wasn't supposed to live in Las Vegas anymore. So I applied to Texas, Arizona, and Utah. I still don't know. So don't ask. I don't have a job yet!!!
The best part of the week although was seeing my best friend Leander. There was one advantage to me meeting Owen. I had planned on staying longer in Texas to be with Owen and now that he wasn't an option, I was going back to Vegas. In the meantime I had to chill in Texas and while I was waiting, Leander flew into Texas with his job. I loved spending time with him. He's my best friend that has up and moved to Germany on me and it was great to be with him again!!!!!

After a week of hell.....i mean a hard week :) I started my trip to Arizona with my dad. I love my dad and spending that much needed one on one time was much needed. We spent a lot of time with his family and Arizona and I realize more and more how my dad and his family have been through so much and they are such wonderful people. I spent time with my cousins and it was fun to be around family. I've always lived so far away from them. I was disappointed I wasn't able to see one of my big-time crushes and pissed he didn't make the time to see me, but I realized that I was trying to move mountains on that one!!! He's a bonehead!

I also got to see my very best friend, Kim Maloney! She lives in Phoenix now and is doing well. I miss being near her and Lenel. They were my college BFF's. Her girls are growing so quickly!!! My dad and I headed to Kingman where I saw some of my old recent converts and investigators. They are truly the loves of my life and there is nothing like visiting old people that I taught from my mission. It was fun for my dad to tag along. I dragged him to a BBQ in Vegas the next day and he met a lot of my friends from church. He was great entertainment! I have to admit, I have the most amazing and fun dad ever!!! It was a wonderful week with him. Probably the best of the summer yet!!!

So here's whats coming up!!!!!
=I have a date tomorrow with a QT I met today.....mmmm but I'm not counting any chicks yet!
=I'm flying to Arizona Tue-Fri to visit a cousin and hopefully see a "bonehead" but very doubtful
=Spending the weekend with Danny, my hot pre-mi from Utah, who I know I shouldn't like--cause he's leaving
=Driving to Utah the next week to have interviews, an Internet date, visit my brother, have some interviews, and spend time with Danny
=Then....I'm not sure what to do! Any suggestions??? Oh and my co-author of my book is no longer my co-author!! Sad day he is....a bonehead...I mean too busy!!!! So I am writing alone which I actually am okay with!!!!

Love to all!
Jenny

Wow I never write on this anymore....but seriously, my fans need an update so here goes!

This summer has been amazing so far. I have been traveling ALOT. Too much actually. I am tired of living in the suitcase deal and wearing the same 9 outfits over and over, but there are definitely advantages...like hot days in the Florida sun on the Destin beaches. Amazing!
Plus tons of days in Texas to write my two books...oh yes there are two now. One is a secret :)

I cannot wait to leave for Georgia tomorrow. I absolutely heart georgia so much! I am going to see some old and new friends and the best part is that one of my long time close friends is being married in the temple to one of my other long-time buds! Life is good! Her sister, Amber Gardner who is my best friend ever will be there and we havent seen each other in five whole years. Thats a long time to go without your best friend if you ask me---so yay!

The best part of this trip other than that will be the amazing Six-Flags adventure. I freakin love Six-Flags!!!!!! The kiddie land is even amazing. There are these amazing Hanging carrot punch bugs in Kiddie land, of course the Superman, Riddler, and Georgia Scorcher are my favorite rides--except the Ninga and Wheelie are close behind...plus all the new rides I have missed out for five years on. Holy cow--so much to do...so little time!!!!

When I get home from Georgia I'll probably stay until June 4th and then I am Vegas bound. Then I have an interview in Utah with a Charter school outside of Provo so I'll spend a week there and then swing up to Massachuets on the 4th of July. Then I'll be heading out to AZ for the 24th of July for the amazing Flake reunion. Ok so thats basically my summer---minus a few trips to Kingman and maybe one a few more weeks in Texas with my family before I get strapped down to an amazing teacher job in either Fort Worth (prob not), Utah, or Vegas (ding, ding, ding)

Oh and thanks to all friends who contributed to the bubblegum project. It was a success and hopefully you'll see the results soon :)

Love much
Jenny

So life has been great lately. I am currently at a recent converts house in Henderson. I am going to be on vacation for the next month. I am going to Florida this Friday (WORD!!!!) and my family and I are staying in our timeshares there. Then I will be in Fort Worth for a week and Georgia the last week in May. Meanwhile I will be working hard on my book, finalizing chapters, adding juicy details, crazy journal entries, and facts that could one scare you away. Let's hope none of that happens seeing as I have changed and am doing loads better in life.

Drop a line and let me know how things are. If your interested in a sneak peek of my book--let me know. I love hearing from others what they think.

Love Jen

My life for the past 2 months

Well things have been rocking in Jennyville.
I feel alive and passionate about life again. I just graduated with a Bachelors in Elementary Education. I was kind of bummed I was only an internship away from getting a minor in Dance, but I have decided to pursue that when I get back to Vegas. I am in Fort Worth visiting family for a week.

My graduation was...weird. I can't believe it is over. I am going to be working for the rest of my life. Since my life has been renewed although, I have so many plans. I am currently in the process of writing my book: New Eyes. It is great to be home. I am surrounded by my journals, letters, and emails that people remember about me and it's all being compiled in this book that I hope will be published and out in the stores by December. It will happen.

I was typing the chapter about my mission yesterday and it amazes me how the Lord was blessing me all along. I was just too wallowed up in myself that I couldn't see the amazing blessings he was drowning me with. Ah! But it is amazing to me now!

I have also decided to pursue a career in Motivational Speaking. I think I'll start small and speak to EFY kids and youth of the church. I think my message could also help older people, but with a career in teaching which I absolutely love, I want to have a life as well. In about two years, I'll probably make my way to Grad. school and get a masters in Administration. I would love to be a principal. I just have the attitude for it :)

On top of all of this, my ultimate career goal is to be a dance teacher. So I must get to work on this as well.

As far as my dating life goes, well it's been exciting as of last week, but still no prominent guy stands out to me. I am OK with that. I like a boy from about a month ago, but was surprised to find that both of us got the answer of "not right now." He got his before mine, but as I was traveling to SLC for conference, I recognized my frustration and anxiety as probably not a good sign that it's time for me to date him. So after I got that answer, I was so happy God was answering me that I am fine with what he wants me to do. Amazing how I'm constantly changing.

I'm applying to a couple of school districts: TX, Utah, Idaho Falls, and Las Vegas. I probably will apply to Georgia when I go down in a month, but for now, Las Vegas is my high roller. I am kind of waiting around until after their hiring freeze. New teachers usually don't get hired until mid-May or June. So I am bumming around, writing my book, and deciding my plans for the summer. Life is good!!!!

Amazing future!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So my life has been crazy amazing in the last week. I have so much to say but my time has flew. It's been awesome!!!! I will one day write a blog about everything, but I am waiting to tell the right people things before it is announced. Call me if u want to know!

Lightning....

This weekend has been the best weekend of the year thus far. I have been deathly sick, but still I have learned so much about myself.

A friend that I met at a church dance about ten years ago was reunited with me this weekend. He found me on Facebook and I remembered him as the "nice, sweet brother type of guy," who I probably would never date. Well he filled out and lost the coke-bottle glasses he had, made those chunks of love into hunks of dove. His face is absolutely beautiful now. Sweet looking, nice-good Georgia boy. All you could ask for.

We started talking on the phone and all those years seemed liked days. We got to know each other again and then I invited him to come out to Vegas to "play." Well we made plans and as it came down to it, I was getting so excited. Then the flu hit me. Bloody flu! I was so excited and being sick was the one thing that that would ruin it all. But I sucked it up, took a lot of meds., used cover-up makeup to conceal the bags, and wore my cutest outfits to make up for my dreadful pink-eyed face. :)

He almost didn't come, but I begged. He wanted to I knew, but he also didn't want to risk getting sick. He took a chance and I did my best not to cough in his face.

I picked him up at the airport and it was like I had never missed a beat. It was so natural just to pick up where we left off. We had a lot to catch up on. We had only seen each other at the dances so we had a tiny connection to work with. But it was so easy with him. It felt so comfortable.

We did touristy things like going to the Hoover Dam, walking the strip, etc. He came to my school to see me teach, which was really cool. We were bummed because we almost took a helicopter ride next to the Hoover Dam, but it was too windy this weekend. He snapped pictures of everything. Everything except the most important thing to me in the world. I took him up by the temple because it is one of my favorite places in Las Vegas. It's the place where I feel the most peace in a city full of worldliness and sin. When we got there, there was an immediate peace and the wind blew softly on the palms. I felt like Heavenly Father was hugging me. I was sad my friend didn't share this same enthusiasm. He felt uncomfortable and I so wanted him to feel the level of peace I did. He seemed happy in his life and I was grateful for that. But it frustrates me when people settle for the happiness of this world. None of that stuff even matters. He is smart in so many ways. He's graduating with a Masters in April yet, he still lacks the knowledge that will help him for eternities.

We went to the Stratosphere and rode the elevator to the top. It was something I had been avoiding. I never wanted to go in this building. I always said on my mission I would avoid the strip. But he wanted to go and he was paying. So I went. I always felt like it was a world of sin. I imagined it as that tower from Lehi's dream. The "Great and Spacious Building". They had their fun and mocked those that were doing the right things. They laughed and danced and had no cares in the world. Well so I went.

It was an amazing sight. The city was filled with lights. I stayed in the observation lounge so long and just sat on the windows. My friend was freaked cause he thought I would fall right through. Whatever :) We walked out on the deck and the night air felt so nice. I was sad the deck didn't wrap around to the temple side. I so wanted to see the lights of the temple from the strip. It would have given me that same peace as earlier that day. I yearned for it.

I felt the Spirit even in that building. I looked at the beauty of what man had created. However, God created light and so I gave all the credit to him. It was the most beautiful sight and if it didn't cost 11.90 to ride that dumb elevator, I would do it once a week. Oh well.

I am so blessed with the knowledge that I have. I really take advantage of it sometimes. I've thought many times about whether it could work between my friend and me. He had so many of the qualities that I was looking for in a man. Actually he had all of them. Except one. I want to find someone who loves the Savior more than he loves me and will do anything to follow Him. Until then, I feel content to walk the world alone.

Oh no!

I am sick. I hardly ever get sick, but when I do, it's bad news. So I wouldn't be so concerned if I didn't have a special friend who was flying from Georgia RIGHT now just to come and see me. We haven't seen each other in about ten years and I am so excited to see him.

I met him at the church dances when I was 14. I was loud and outgoing and he was shy and quiet. Well the two of us together were perfect. Then he seriously dropped off the face of the earth. He was one of my many crushes so he got lost in the shuffle and was eventually forgotten. He says he stopped going to church 'cause he saw how many guys liked me. But I don't believe him. In any case we found each other on Facebook and have planned this little weekend for over a month. Sad day that I am sick!

You know, the Lord really wants to help you be good. This is one indication that he loves me. He knew I'd probably throw myself back at this guy, cause he looks really foxy now, :) but now that I'm sick, he wouldn't want to touch me with a ten-foot pole. I barely convinced him to get on the plane 30 minutes ago. I said, "You're not going to get sick." "I'm almost better." HAH! Definitely he will not like me next week....but in any case I hope it's a fun weekend. It will be interesting to see how awkward or comfortable we'll feel.

Anyway peachy is as peachy does!
Get er dun!

Friends...with conditions

I have been thinking about this...recently.

I was listening to my students chat in the lunchroom last Friday and was astonished to hear one conversation. One of the girls said, "I'm not going to be your best friend if you don't choose me." I almost interfered, but decided that I would rather let them learn the hard way. A lecture does no good sometimes and on my better judgement, I saw that this was one of those times. Well to complete the conditions, the other girl agreed. Too bad. I wish she would have said, "No!" "Take me as I am or you can't have me." It's not really in a second grader's vocabulary. Although.....it should be (Note to self! ;)

So I've been wondering what a person would be willing to do to complete a condition...for a friend. I thought about when I was little. I made these same conditions for friends and even family (shameful, I know). I won't be your best friend if you don't come stay the night. Other ones with my brothers, "If you play Barbies with me, I'll be your best sister." Like they had a choice. Honestly! I am the only girl. Well needless to say, Josh fell for it every time. He secretly liked it. It is kind of cool! Love ya!

Still I am ashamed that this is the world I grew up in. Bribing friends with deals to make their life easier for them. Some bribes are good and helpful to others. Others are manipulative and hurtful. Either way, they are here to stay. Sigh!

I even encountered one with a....friend recently. They seemed to feel like I needed conditions to handle myself around them. It makes me sad, but I think they are right. Blast it all! So my conditions were to get a boyfriend. Haha. What were they thinking? Did this person even know me at all? Hardly! Did this person know how much dating makes me puke inside my mouth? Obviously not! Actually it's not that terrible, but the taste is sometimes too bitter and I rest for awhile. I am currently resting and happy. But to this...friend and all others, please be careful about the conditions you make with friends. The conditions may be too difficult to fulfill and you might never be friends again. Sad day :)

recognition...

Sunday....always my favorite day of the week. Usually. Today has been an annoying. I guess I am a somewhat easy person to get along with, but I think I am only good in doses. And that's how I feel about alot of my freinds. I don't want to see them all the time. Moving in with friends is hard because you like to go visit them, but not live every waking minute with them. My best friend in high school, Gumber Ardner :) were best friends. But we had an interesting relationship. We were best friend in doses. I think we just love our own personal space, and we were good like that. We would barely even talk when we saw each other at parties, dances or other unplanned activities. But we would be best friends when no one else was around and we had planned it. Mmmmm....makes you wonder. We got in arguments alot too....but we said that these arguments made us grow closer. I don't know if that was the greatest philosophy, but it was ours.

We've since moved on, but we still keep in touch and we seem to pick up where we left off. But I don't know why I am like that. It's like I get tired of my friendships. I can tell you tons of best friends I had growing up and where are they now??? I even had so many in college and the friendships eventually fizzle.

Well sad day, I realize I'm not the world's greatest friend and I have errors in my little ole self.

my top priority....

I wish love was as simple as the movies. They fall madly in TRUE love but either run because of commitment issues, family issues, or "find yourself" issues. They spend years searching for the thing they have been looking for only to find that it had always been there. Usually a spouse, fiance or boy/girlfriend comes in to confuse the character, but in the end, the one holding their heart is the eventual winner.

Not so much nowadays. No one is willing to fight for their love. They'd rather take the more convenient way out or just forget about the old, flushing in the new, only to look back on their life as utter and complete emptiness.

I fell in true love about 4 years ago. He's married now, but I am shattered in every way possible. Once you find the one you think is the one you've been looking for, you start looking at that person with new eyes. "You're the one I thought about when I was at that party with (nameless)" You helped me fight the temptation. "You're the one I wrote a letter to when I was 14 and crazy about boys. " To settle me down it helped to focus on who my life might end up with. "I thought about you when I graduated and knew that it would make you proud." "When I saw all my friends married off suddenly, I cried for you to come and find me."

After sharing those intimate thoughts and feelings with a somewhat complete stranger, you feel a little empty and hopeless inside when you find that everything was a lie. Everything he had said, done, planned...was all a big honker lie. I'd opened my heart to a liar. I don't think I've ever trusted the same. Instead I get insanely jealous, possessive, and wedge my way out of people's lives' because of my intensity.

Am I sorry that I feel like that and that I've turned out this way? No. I am not. I grew a lot from my first love and he just led me to the next love. And he led me to the next and so on. I love this one song by Rascal Flatts and the lyrics say something like this...

Every long lost road, led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true. That God blessed the "broken road" that led me straight to you.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and telling her I created this blog. She asked me why and I said, I guess I want there to be a witness of my life. One day I hope the one that I prayed for when I was crying, thought of when I was in temptation, and yearned for when I succeeded will one day read this and know he has always been my top priority.

Timing

Each day slides by without me realizing. I am more than halfway done with my student teaching. I have interviews with the Las Vegas district in a few weeks and I realize how soon I have to make big decisions. Scary much!!

There are a couple of places I have been thinking of lately, but none are really strong impressions.
-Georgia (of course) I would love to go back to where I feel the most comfortable
-Idaho I loved the district I did my practicum in
-Las Vegas Even though it's hot, I would teach in Henderson or a nicer inner city school
-Fort Worth I hate TX, but I would be close to my family---but sometimes that can be a negative experience
-Utah Yes the dreaded hated Utah! There are tons of job openings. And you wonder why!!! lol
-Arizona I love AZ and even though I hate busy cities, I might be willing to do it anyway
-Massachuets This is a 20/100 chance. But I love Boston and all of my Mom's family lives there
-Wyoming---lol they pay the most--don't hate!

Well there are random ones I think about...like Hawaii and Washington, but we'll see. I've recently wanted to teach in a DOD school (Army). I would love to go internationally in a few years. Like Italy!

Anyway big decisions. And all of it boils down to being in the right spot at the right time!

Bring on the trials

I love my Old Testament institute class. I love the guy who is teaching it also. He was a bishop in the last ward I served in on my mission. He is amazing! Actually I have a high respect for any bishop. They have extremely hard jobs.

Tonight's topic was on trials and tribulations. For some reason, I think my life is filled with these "trials." We read Job and some of Jonah. I realized my trials were minute compared to theirs. But then again we can't compare our trials with others. I am sure Job would have a hard time with dating rejection as well :)

It was interesting to think about why trials are given to us or how they come about,
4 reasons:
-We bring them upon ourselves because of poor actions
-We have them in our lives because of the the poor actions of others whom God can't take their choices away just to make sure the sinners are condemned
-God wants us to learn and progress
-Some trials come through the natural occurrence of life (old life, cancer, tornadoes, etc)

I have been one to curse God for getting the same trial over and over, but I think I just haven't learned what He wants me to learn. Anyway it definitely put some things in perspective tonight.