Oh no!

I am sick. I hardly ever get sick, but when I do, it's bad news. So I wouldn't be so concerned if I didn't have a special friend who was flying from Georgia RIGHT now just to come and see me. We haven't seen each other in about ten years and I am so excited to see him.

I met him at the church dances when I was 14. I was loud and outgoing and he was shy and quiet. Well the two of us together were perfect. Then he seriously dropped off the face of the earth. He was one of my many crushes so he got lost in the shuffle and was eventually forgotten. He says he stopped going to church 'cause he saw how many guys liked me. But I don't believe him. In any case we found each other on Facebook and have planned this little weekend for over a month. Sad day that I am sick!

You know, the Lord really wants to help you be good. This is one indication that he loves me. He knew I'd probably throw myself back at this guy, cause he looks really foxy now, :) but now that I'm sick, he wouldn't want to touch me with a ten-foot pole. I barely convinced him to get on the plane 30 minutes ago. I said, "You're not going to get sick." "I'm almost better." HAH! Definitely he will not like me next week....but in any case I hope it's a fun weekend. It will be interesting to see how awkward or comfortable we'll feel.

Anyway peachy is as peachy does!
Get er dun!

Friends...with conditions

I have been thinking about this...recently.

I was listening to my students chat in the lunchroom last Friday and was astonished to hear one conversation. One of the girls said, "I'm not going to be your best friend if you don't choose me." I almost interfered, but decided that I would rather let them learn the hard way. A lecture does no good sometimes and on my better judgement, I saw that this was one of those times. Well to complete the conditions, the other girl agreed. Too bad. I wish she would have said, "No!" "Take me as I am or you can't have me." It's not really in a second grader's vocabulary. Although.....it should be (Note to self! ;)

So I've been wondering what a person would be willing to do to complete a condition...for a friend. I thought about when I was little. I made these same conditions for friends and even family (shameful, I know). I won't be your best friend if you don't come stay the night. Other ones with my brothers, "If you play Barbies with me, I'll be your best sister." Like they had a choice. Honestly! I am the only girl. Well needless to say, Josh fell for it every time. He secretly liked it. It is kind of cool! Love ya!

Still I am ashamed that this is the world I grew up in. Bribing friends with deals to make their life easier for them. Some bribes are good and helpful to others. Others are manipulative and hurtful. Either way, they are here to stay. Sigh!

I even encountered one with a....friend recently. They seemed to feel like I needed conditions to handle myself around them. It makes me sad, but I think they are right. Blast it all! So my conditions were to get a boyfriend. Haha. What were they thinking? Did this person even know me at all? Hardly! Did this person know how much dating makes me puke inside my mouth? Obviously not! Actually it's not that terrible, but the taste is sometimes too bitter and I rest for awhile. I am currently resting and happy. But to this...friend and all others, please be careful about the conditions you make with friends. The conditions may be too difficult to fulfill and you might never be friends again. Sad day :)

recognition...

Sunday....always my favorite day of the week. Usually. Today has been an annoying. I guess I am a somewhat easy person to get along with, but I think I am only good in doses. And that's how I feel about alot of my freinds. I don't want to see them all the time. Moving in with friends is hard because you like to go visit them, but not live every waking minute with them. My best friend in high school, Gumber Ardner :) were best friends. But we had an interesting relationship. We were best friend in doses. I think we just love our own personal space, and we were good like that. We would barely even talk when we saw each other at parties, dances or other unplanned activities. But we would be best friends when no one else was around and we had planned it. Mmmmm....makes you wonder. We got in arguments alot too....but we said that these arguments made us grow closer. I don't know if that was the greatest philosophy, but it was ours.

We've since moved on, but we still keep in touch and we seem to pick up where we left off. But I don't know why I am like that. It's like I get tired of my friendships. I can tell you tons of best friends I had growing up and where are they now??? I even had so many in college and the friendships eventually fizzle.

Well sad day, I realize I'm not the world's greatest friend and I have errors in my little ole self.

my top priority....

I wish love was as simple as the movies. They fall madly in TRUE love but either run because of commitment issues, family issues, or "find yourself" issues. They spend years searching for the thing they have been looking for only to find that it had always been there. Usually a spouse, fiance or boy/girlfriend comes in to confuse the character, but in the end, the one holding their heart is the eventual winner.

Not so much nowadays. No one is willing to fight for their love. They'd rather take the more convenient way out or just forget about the old, flushing in the new, only to look back on their life as utter and complete emptiness.

I fell in true love about 4 years ago. He's married now, but I am shattered in every way possible. Once you find the one you think is the one you've been looking for, you start looking at that person with new eyes. "You're the one I thought about when I was at that party with (nameless)" You helped me fight the temptation. "You're the one I wrote a letter to when I was 14 and crazy about boys. " To settle me down it helped to focus on who my life might end up with. "I thought about you when I graduated and knew that it would make you proud." "When I saw all my friends married off suddenly, I cried for you to come and find me."

After sharing those intimate thoughts and feelings with a somewhat complete stranger, you feel a little empty and hopeless inside when you find that everything was a lie. Everything he had said, done, planned...was all a big honker lie. I'd opened my heart to a liar. I don't think I've ever trusted the same. Instead I get insanely jealous, possessive, and wedge my way out of people's lives' because of my intensity.

Am I sorry that I feel like that and that I've turned out this way? No. I am not. I grew a lot from my first love and he just led me to the next love. And he led me to the next and so on. I love this one song by Rascal Flatts and the lyrics say something like this...

Every long lost road, led me to where you are. Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars. Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. This much I know is true. That God blessed the "broken road" that led me straight to you.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and telling her I created this blog. She asked me why and I said, I guess I want there to be a witness of my life. One day I hope the one that I prayed for when I was crying, thought of when I was in temptation, and yearned for when I succeeded will one day read this and know he has always been my top priority.

Timing

Each day slides by without me realizing. I am more than halfway done with my student teaching. I have interviews with the Las Vegas district in a few weeks and I realize how soon I have to make big decisions. Scary much!!

There are a couple of places I have been thinking of lately, but none are really strong impressions.
-Georgia (of course) I would love to go back to where I feel the most comfortable
-Idaho I loved the district I did my practicum in
-Las Vegas Even though it's hot, I would teach in Henderson or a nicer inner city school
-Fort Worth I hate TX, but I would be close to my family---but sometimes that can be a negative experience
-Utah Yes the dreaded hated Utah! There are tons of job openings. And you wonder why!!! lol
-Arizona I love AZ and even though I hate busy cities, I might be willing to do it anyway
-Massachuets This is a 20/100 chance. But I love Boston and all of my Mom's family lives there
-Wyoming---lol they pay the most--don't hate!

Well there are random ones I think about...like Hawaii and Washington, but we'll see. I've recently wanted to teach in a DOD school (Army). I would love to go internationally in a few years. Like Italy!

Anyway big decisions. And all of it boils down to being in the right spot at the right time!

Bring on the trials

I love my Old Testament institute class. I love the guy who is teaching it also. He was a bishop in the last ward I served in on my mission. He is amazing! Actually I have a high respect for any bishop. They have extremely hard jobs.

Tonight's topic was on trials and tribulations. For some reason, I think my life is filled with these "trials." We read Job and some of Jonah. I realized my trials were minute compared to theirs. But then again we can't compare our trials with others. I am sure Job would have a hard time with dating rejection as well :)

It was interesting to think about why trials are given to us or how they come about,
4 reasons:
-We bring them upon ourselves because of poor actions
-We have them in our lives because of the the poor actions of others whom God can't take their choices away just to make sure the sinners are condemned
-God wants us to learn and progress
-Some trials come through the natural occurrence of life (old life, cancer, tornadoes, etc)

I have been one to curse God for getting the same trial over and over, but I think I just haven't learned what He wants me to learn. Anyway it definitely put some things in perspective tonight.

My butt hurts!

So I've decided that if I want the opportunity to intern for a dancing studio, I better care about what my body looks like. I am not a natzi when it comes to exercising or eating healthy though. I hate obsessing about it. It makes walking and living life unbearable when you can't squeeze the time in and it makes eating a worrisome chore that is restricted from time to time. No fun.

But I have started running again. I've always HATED running with a passion. And don't get me wrong, I still do! But the effects of me running are incredible. My weight slims down amazingly, my face looks thinner, and I actually feel more energy to do the rest of my daily duties. I still hate it.

I get all puffy and if there is one thing I hate more than running, it's running with somebody. Why would you want to inflict your breathing and your sweat dripping on somebody elso. Honestly! Good thing I ran today. I had the most amazing steak dinner at my RC's house. They are doing well! They are set to be sealed in June, but he is dying of cancer. I really hope they make it before then.

One of my favorite things about living in Vegas is seeing my old investigators, RC's and members. I saw quite a few this weekend and it is nice to remember what you used to do for them. It helped me forget about trials for a time.

I miss my ex-bf incredibly. I have been thinking of him more and more recently. He was basically the only person I've been serious with since my ex-fiance. I've had millions of crushes but they are more flings and whims to help me to get up every morning. This ex of mine was an amazing person to me and other than it not being right...well it just sucks that that was the result. I've been thinking about him lately because I am wondering what the reunion will be like when I go back to Idaho to graduate. He has my dishes and a box of books that I left behind. We''re friends....I guess. We just never talk because it's too painful for me. In half of a second I think it could be l love at first sight again and we'll just start back where we left off. I'll let him hold me for hours and it will be like old times. And then the other half-second, I realize that his angry side came out most of the last week I was there and I'd rather not see that again. In any case, I miss the companionship of being that close to someone.

A new one

There is a guy who likes me and he's way nice. Story of my life...despite what everyone thinks, I am not anxious to start a relationship. I like guys until they are either rude to me or they become interested. My brother and I have this same twisted thinking. We like what we can't have and when we have it, we don't want it anymore. Ahh such is life. One day we'll find what we're looking for and then the search will be over, but curses until we get there.

So I am torn whether to fight my fears of dating and give him a chance even though there is no physical attraction or chemistry, or wait until I feel it. I don't exactly "feel" it very often. In fact, once I like a guy, it takes quite awhile for me to "unlike' them. Although if they move to "Alaska," spit in my face with rudeness and ignorance, or have any other wordly and hurtful behavior, it speeds up the process.

I've spent the last week with this individual. I've given him quite a few hours. So how much time is enough to give to someone? I was driving with him today and a thought hit me. This thought made me exceptionally mad at all those who have led me on in the past, unknowingly and knowingly. I refuse to be that way to another person. It's their life too. They should feel some type of control.
I guess another week wouldn't hurt but I honestly want to draw my own blood before I settle in a relationship with someone I don't feel that "feeling" with. Good thing I am the only one reading this. I do love writing. :)

Beginnings

So a couple of my friends have a blog on this site and I realized that writing is an extremely wonderful outlet that I should be taken advantage of as well.

I don't particularly care who reads this. This is more a spot for me to share my worries and cares. Writing them down makes me feel like they are worthy thoughts and I only care what kind of progress I make in life. So here goes....