So my weekend was crazy in Idaho. It was so fun to drive back with Ang. We got there at about 7 and went on a triple date with someone from my mission. Dennis. He's a riot and we had a lot of fun minus a few misunderstandings.
I went to the Latin dance and I almost cried cause my favorite dance partner, Reef, was not there. Actually a lot of my friends were gone and I realized that my life is slipping in and out of other people's lives so quickly that it sometimes leaves me feeling empty.
Looking back on school years, I would have best friends. Ashley and Lynsey were my best friends who lived next door and we were pretty much tight until high school slammed us into different paths. I had a few others: Arlene, Jenna, Kellie, Miguel, Seth, Leander, etc etc. Where are they today? Far away! Some of them I have no idea what they are doing. Why is that we make and lose friends. Why can't friends be friends forever? People have the commitment level of a teaspoon these days and I am feeling that especially lately in the friendship department.
Ok I am done venting. So the rest of the weekend kind of dragged because I realized my friends weren't in Idaho anymore and that my life was completely separated from theirs. Sad in some ways, but I guess I am lucky I've been able to have so many friends in my life. I just wonder how consistent the relationship really was. Was it out of convenience? Who knows? But I do miss my friends. I am one to keep up with people for years, but it is hard when that notion is not returned. So to all my old and new friends, I love and miss you wherever you are! ;)
I miss K. On Sunday night I was calling him and every time I dialed his number it said the line was busy. I got so frustrated. I thought, "Well maybe he blocked me from his phone." Then I just fumed a little. This is all at about 10:30 when I am supposed to be having sweet dreams. After ten minutes of pouting, he calls. It had been two weeks. I miss his voice. I miss his eyes. I miss his touch. I miss his laugh. I miss his red face. I miss K! Dreadfully! I started shaking when I was talking to him and it took me about an hour after he called to calm down. We only talked twenty minutes, but other than the sometimes violent shake, I haven't felt so peaceful in awhile. I miss him. There is just no denying that I love that boy!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
reminders....
I've had a few reminders of a certain person and each time I get them it makes my heart twinge for him.
- I was on a date, and the star in the movie were watching looked exactly like him, and had his same name. We'll call him K. That was hard to listen to the whole movie cause I just thought about it the whole night.
- Then I went another date with this guy. We'll call him S. We went to the same restaurant K and I had been to with my parents. We sat in the same booth on the same side. Except S was in K's spot and I was unhappy to see that he was not as handsome as K was. And he ate onions, which K had avoided because he knew I hated the smell. Either that or he wanted kisses later, which he got!
- I was cleaning my room, and I saw a little piece of trash behind my bed. It was a sticker of some sort so I almost threw it away without glancing at it. It was K's name on the sticker. It must have fell off of him the night we had our strong connection. Sucky to remember it right before I had to go face the world.
These simple and disturbing reminders ask me what in hades name am I doing without this boy in my life. Yet then I remember that K was not ready to settle down and so I was backing up to let him breathe. But ever since he's been gone, I have hard a hard time breathing without him.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Ok today was awesome.
I have had so much fun with my crew at school. I am like their homeroom base teacher, but I've had them the last part of the day (2 1/2 hrs) for expedition. I'll be sad when they rotate in a week. The characteristic we were working on this week was adventure. We built forts and watched Hoot (A movie about protecting birds). We've bonded a lot lately and I feel like they are my kids. I had to be so strict in the beginning, but I am loosening up because they are getting better at following directions. It's my other English classes that I haven't had for very long that I am have to pull the reins pretty hard with.
With every class, I did a hip-hop routine with and they loved it. They were like, "Ms. Flake! You're awesome. You move so fast." Good thing they don't know that I'm on the bottom of the "best dancer" line. But I seriously love to dance. That is my "out." I feel free...like I am home. I have realized lately how little of dancing I have been doing, and it really is having an effect on my attitude. So Eliza and I are dancing in the talent show. That will be interesting. She's like ghetto girl and I am Ballroom chick!
My school has this big gymnasium and I am thinking of going in after school and getting back into my clog and jazz. I miss it. I will have to reteach myself. It's been awhile and I have become more self-conscious. I really want to ballroom dance again. That is my true passion. But the problem is...finding the perfect partner. The one that moves with you...and not against you. Who leads with a gentle hand and who shares the same passion you do. Very difficult. I'm working on it though! I want to one day do a cabaret with someone. That is my ultimate dream. Oh besides running and touring my own dance company and performing professionally. That will take some more effort and training on my part. I'm only a silver dancer so there is much work to do!
Oh and then the best part of the day- My students chose service to work on last week. They chose a service project....giving appreciation baskets to each teacher. They loved handing them out to the teachers and I know the teachers liked it! Then I find out that the school is doing an article on it in the school newspaper. Awesome huh!
Ok the best of the best news is that I was chosen to attend the EL (Expeditionary Learning) Conference in SLC for three days. EL is the type of Charter school we are and there are certain protocols we learn and apply in our teaching and we're all new to it, so I am honored that I was chosen. It will be a blast getting with other teachers that have the same passion about teaching that I do. Plus the EL trainers are HOOOOTTT!!! :0
Had to throw that tid-bit in. But hey I can! I am single. Yay! It's fun at times. Right now it's a blast. Poor Sam. He wants me to settle down and date him, but I am just having way too much checking out my options. I know how Kevin felt now and I am very much more sympathetic. If you don't feel it, why settle. I am so glad he didn't. I don't think he is quite right for me. I need someone to want me more than just for a good kiss.
Well I have a date today and tomorrow with Sam. I have a blind date with someone on Wednesday and I am going to Idaho to have a few more dates with friends from school. Life is good. Just give me a day...it will be a train wreck soon. That's the roller coaster of life. It's down and now it's up again.
I have had so much fun with my crew at school. I am like their homeroom base teacher, but I've had them the last part of the day (2 1/2 hrs) for expedition. I'll be sad when they rotate in a week. The characteristic we were working on this week was adventure. We built forts and watched Hoot (A movie about protecting birds). We've bonded a lot lately and I feel like they are my kids. I had to be so strict in the beginning, but I am loosening up because they are getting better at following directions. It's my other English classes that I haven't had for very long that I am have to pull the reins pretty hard with.
With every class, I did a hip-hop routine with and they loved it. They were like, "Ms. Flake! You're awesome. You move so fast." Good thing they don't know that I'm on the bottom of the "best dancer" line. But I seriously love to dance. That is my "out." I feel free...like I am home. I have realized lately how little of dancing I have been doing, and it really is having an effect on my attitude. So Eliza and I are dancing in the talent show. That will be interesting. She's like ghetto girl and I am Ballroom chick!
My school has this big gymnasium and I am thinking of going in after school and getting back into my clog and jazz. I miss it. I will have to reteach myself. It's been awhile and I have become more self-conscious. I really want to ballroom dance again. That is my true passion. But the problem is...finding the perfect partner. The one that moves with you...and not against you. Who leads with a gentle hand and who shares the same passion you do. Very difficult. I'm working on it though! I want to one day do a cabaret with someone. That is my ultimate dream. Oh besides running and touring my own dance company and performing professionally. That will take some more effort and training on my part. I'm only a silver dancer so there is much work to do!
Oh and then the best part of the day- My students chose service to work on last week. They chose a service project....giving appreciation baskets to each teacher. They loved handing them out to the teachers and I know the teachers liked it! Then I find out that the school is doing an article on it in the school newspaper. Awesome huh!
Ok the best of the best news is that I was chosen to attend the EL (Expeditionary Learning) Conference in SLC for three days. EL is the type of Charter school we are and there are certain protocols we learn and apply in our teaching and we're all new to it, so I am honored that I was chosen. It will be a blast getting with other teachers that have the same passion about teaching that I do. Plus the EL trainers are HOOOOTTT!!! :0
Had to throw that tid-bit in. But hey I can! I am single. Yay! It's fun at times. Right now it's a blast. Poor Sam. He wants me to settle down and date him, but I am just having way too much checking out my options. I know how Kevin felt now and I am very much more sympathetic. If you don't feel it, why settle. I am so glad he didn't. I don't think he is quite right for me. I need someone to want me more than just for a good kiss.
Well I have a date today and tomorrow with Sam. I have a blind date with someone on Wednesday and I am going to Idaho to have a few more dates with friends from school. Life is good. Just give me a day...it will be a train wreck soon. That's the roller coaster of life. It's down and now it's up again.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
a week's worth....phew!!!!
So much can happen in a week.
I met someone. He actually was a blind date that I had in between shaky times with Kevin and I. His name is Sam. He is really tall and a really big guy. LOL. We're an odd match in ways, but perfect in others. He is everything I am looking for so far. Except he can't dance, but I learned on a walk with him the other night that he doesn't mind it and would be into learning. Score. But he hates BYU- strike!!! Oh well. You can't win them all.
He blushes when I smile at him. That part is the cutest. It helps me remember I am a catch worth catching. For once I am moving like molasses. I've only hugged him like three times and they were really fast hugs. I keep my hands inside my jacket or pant pockets. I don't know why, but I don't feel any sparks and so I am okay with just being friends with him right more. He's willing to wait as long as it takes for me to move on from the boy drama I'm in right now, and that's also very appealing to me. He's nicer than I deserve!
The only hard part in my life is I am having a hard time getting over Kevin. It doesn't make sense about the connection we had and the almost entire pushing each other out of each other's life. I backed up so Kevin could date other people, but when he found out I was dating other people, it made him upset. Did he expect me to wait until he realized I was right for him all along? I told him I was seeing Sam, but I just couldn't move on until I knew it wouldn't work. And it hasn't worked because we haven't given each other that chance. We've just been using each other. Well I haven't. My heart still beats faster when I think about him, but I think his pride won't allow him to ever return to my arms. So it is a loss in ways, and a blessing in others.
Good thing no one knows this Kevin. That would suck, but really, guys he is amazing. I'm only making him out to be a bad guy because it's easier to move on when you can find ways that he's not right for you. Which took me awhile at first, but he is very against dating now. In fact he says it's "non-negotiable." So that hurt, but life moves on right.
Mission reunion is coming up. That rocks. I can't wait to see my mission daddy! I love President Wadsworth. He's pretty much amazing! It will be great to see some old friends, and a few of my friends are coming down for conference, so it means a couple of dates, a whole bunch of laughing and good times, and no worries in the world! Until then, keep on surfing cause life is good! Cheers!
I met someone. He actually was a blind date that I had in between shaky times with Kevin and I. His name is Sam. He is really tall and a really big guy. LOL. We're an odd match in ways, but perfect in others. He is everything I am looking for so far. Except he can't dance, but I learned on a walk with him the other night that he doesn't mind it and would be into learning. Score. But he hates BYU- strike!!! Oh well. You can't win them all.
He blushes when I smile at him. That part is the cutest. It helps me remember I am a catch worth catching. For once I am moving like molasses. I've only hugged him like three times and they were really fast hugs. I keep my hands inside my jacket or pant pockets. I don't know why, but I don't feel any sparks and so I am okay with just being friends with him right more. He's willing to wait as long as it takes for me to move on from the boy drama I'm in right now, and that's also very appealing to me. He's nicer than I deserve!
The only hard part in my life is I am having a hard time getting over Kevin. It doesn't make sense about the connection we had and the almost entire pushing each other out of each other's life. I backed up so Kevin could date other people, but when he found out I was dating other people, it made him upset. Did he expect me to wait until he realized I was right for him all along? I told him I was seeing Sam, but I just couldn't move on until I knew it wouldn't work. And it hasn't worked because we haven't given each other that chance. We've just been using each other. Well I haven't. My heart still beats faster when I think about him, but I think his pride won't allow him to ever return to my arms. So it is a loss in ways, and a blessing in others.
Good thing no one knows this Kevin. That would suck, but really, guys he is amazing. I'm only making him out to be a bad guy because it's easier to move on when you can find ways that he's not right for you. Which took me awhile at first, but he is very against dating now. In fact he says it's "non-negotiable." So that hurt, but life moves on right.
Mission reunion is coming up. That rocks. I can't wait to see my mission daddy! I love President Wadsworth. He's pretty much amazing! It will be great to see some old friends, and a few of my friends are coming down for conference, so it means a couple of dates, a whole bunch of laughing and good times, and no worries in the world! Until then, keep on surfing cause life is good! Cheers!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
woes and not so woes
I made a hard life decision on Sunday. I had to say goodbye to the one that has made my heart beat faster for the last three weeks. We had a crazy thing going and he wasn't ready to settle down. And well I'm too jealous of a girl to see it watch it blow up in my face. So there.
Actually ever since then I have been doing much better. Two friends, Ray and Hyrum came over and gave me a blessing that night. They made me write down reasons that my life stunk at that very second. I wrote down about 5 big ones. Then they taught me from the scriptures about Christ and how we should rely on him, trust in him, and turn to him in times of crisis. I have been turning to myself. Why is this not working? What am I do wrong? What does Kevin not like in me? Blah Blah Blah!!!!
Then they asked me how I felt after they taught me the parable of Christ calming the seas. I noticed that instead of feeling antsy, upset, and the burning in my heart that felt like someone was grasping it in not a nice way, I felt free and calm. The last few days have been hard without hearing from him, but as I focus on the Savior instead of me, it relives from the pain I feel from losing him.
Who knows what will happen with him! I don't know if he'll just figure things out one day and it will go back to the way it was supposed to be, or if I'll continue to realize that it is a blessing to be free from someone who never cared enough to stay. Either way, I have a date tonight with someone else and I am doing my part to move on.
On a crazier note, one of my trouble kids refused to participate and doesn't care when he is in trouble. I wanted to scream at him out of frustration, but I hugged him instead. It took him way off guard and even though he probably won't change right away, love is the answer to everything.
Ogden has had a lot of ups and downs. More than I expected, but I also feel like I've grown a whole heap and well good learning just doesn't happen any other way. I love the school I am at! It's challenging at days because it is definitely not the traditional way to teach! That is why it is so amazing! One of my favorite families from the mission are being sealed this weekend and there is no greater feeling than that at this point in my life.
As holidays start rolling towards us, I am realizing how much I want and need my friends in my life. Ogden can be lonely at times and even though I have met great people, I haven't gotten that bond of friends that I really feel I need in my life. So thanks to all of you friends who care about me and keep in touch. Keeping in touch is a gift, I know, but life is so much better with friends surrounding you.
Actually ever since then I have been doing much better. Two friends, Ray and Hyrum came over and gave me a blessing that night. They made me write down reasons that my life stunk at that very second. I wrote down about 5 big ones. Then they taught me from the scriptures about Christ and how we should rely on him, trust in him, and turn to him in times of crisis. I have been turning to myself. Why is this not working? What am I do wrong? What does Kevin not like in me? Blah Blah Blah!!!!
Then they asked me how I felt after they taught me the parable of Christ calming the seas. I noticed that instead of feeling antsy, upset, and the burning in my heart that felt like someone was grasping it in not a nice way, I felt free and calm. The last few days have been hard without hearing from him, but as I focus on the Savior instead of me, it relives from the pain I feel from losing him.
Who knows what will happen with him! I don't know if he'll just figure things out one day and it will go back to the way it was supposed to be, or if I'll continue to realize that it is a blessing to be free from someone who never cared enough to stay. Either way, I have a date tonight with someone else and I am doing my part to move on.
On a crazier note, one of my trouble kids refused to participate and doesn't care when he is in trouble. I wanted to scream at him out of frustration, but I hugged him instead. It took him way off guard and even though he probably won't change right away, love is the answer to everything.
Ogden has had a lot of ups and downs. More than I expected, but I also feel like I've grown a whole heap and well good learning just doesn't happen any other way. I love the school I am at! It's challenging at days because it is definitely not the traditional way to teach! That is why it is so amazing! One of my favorite families from the mission are being sealed this weekend and there is no greater feeling than that at this point in my life.
As holidays start rolling towards us, I am realizing how much I want and need my friends in my life. Ogden can be lonely at times and even though I have met great people, I haven't gotten that bond of friends that I really feel I need in my life. So thanks to all of you friends who care about me and keep in touch. Keeping in touch is a gift, I know, but life is so much better with friends surrounding you.
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