10-13 Moving on

Ok so I sent everything I felt to K last night and there is nothing else I can do. He'll shove the love away, I'll be hurt for a little longer, and then I'll find a wonderful man that's been waiting for that love all along. And I'll wonder where this man has been for the last 4 years and will drop-kick love all over him ;) (but carefully) I tend to over do it sometimes! :0

10-11-08

So yesterday I was getting ready for work, and a couple of things hit me.
And it helped change my position.

I am right for Kevin.
Kevin is not right for me.
I did everything I could to make it work and he is just....dumb!
So all I can do now is move on.
I guess I had been waiting for that little confidence boost because after being rejected by him so much, I felt like I wasn't worth anyone.

I am grateful for my friendship with Eliza. She was pretty much my first friendship here in Ogen and although she is crazy and eccentric, it beats being alone.

incapable of love

I know now what is happening. I have prayed and cried, prayed, and read, prayed and cried and repeated the process atleast ten times with a few sprinkles of temple and church worship. I've talked to tons of people about it. And I have come to a conclusion that feels right in my heart.

I am right for Kevin. So right. He is the one that is not right for me. He will find it hard to find someone that can love him and care for him as much as I do. He has things in his past, that many girls will find hard to accept. And I do accpet that part of him and love him all the more because he has struggled. When you get the love of a southern belle, there is nothing quite as faithful as that type of love. And he has it.

But the problem is, if I were to walk into that relationship, only he would be complete in one way. Because of his choices. He chooses not to love me or get attached to me right now for whatever reasons. I would definitely get the sour end of the deal. I would not be complete in every way possible. He could change that by giving me the chance and love I deserve, but in any other way, Heavenly Father refuses to let it work. I am entitled to so much more love. He also would not feel completed because he doesn't love me. He needs more than just my love. He needs to need and want the girl back.

And so....there is nothing I can do. It is impossible to be friends with him right now. He has hurt me so deeply in so many ways and has lost my faith and trust in him completely. I am sorry to say that he could probably win that back with alot of patience of endurance because I truly love him. It is a curse right now to be in love with such an ignorant and noncommital person. He cares only for himself at this point and there is nothing to be done except to accept and move on.

I am worth so much more than this pain. I deserve so much more. He is an ass for not realizing that I have needs just as he does. He could have been so much more sensitive of my feelings. But he wasn't and he won't at this point. He can't see that anything is wrong with him. But there is. And that makes me want him that much more. But I just can't. I will force myself to move one foot in front of the other.

Give me a few months. I'll move on. I will find the right one for me. It might take eternity, but I would rather have that than a wishy-washy guy who can't realize what he has.

Recognizing blessings- 10/8/08

I am having a hard time recognizing my blessings. I am having a hard time with Kevin and boys in general and I just can't keep seem to feel God's love. I know He is there, but I can't see how His hand is in my life.

10-08-08

• I have a temple right down the street that I am able to go to.
• I have an amazing daddy.
• My director and collegues are supportive to me.
• Some of my students make my heart melt.
• Shayler tells me things the way they are!

bad day...

Hard day.
Parent yelled at me.
Kevin and I broke things off for yet a third time within only 1 month and a half of knowing each other.
Heartless.
Broken.
Hurt.
Friends is not even an option right now.

Love my Institute teacher.
Love Jeremy. Wish we could repeat Sunday. He kisses the best out of anyone I know.
He'll love that comment.
Non-committals...they are like the feign of the eternal pit and should be shot.
I miss my daddy.
Crying is getting old.
When does it end?

wishy-washy

And yesterday he was wishy-washy. He can't decide if it was a prompting to just be my friend or if he should date me. I am not going to stay and wait till he figures it out. I am going to date other people. I don't like the fact that he acts one way and does another. It makes a southern girl really upset that she is not worth his commitment level. He wants to date for maybe even a year without so much as an inch of commitment. Is he yoiks? He is not ready for me. That is all there is to say about that. Obviously he doesn't know me that well, because doing that kind of thing is just not me. He will have to live his life without me. I just hope he never looks back at his life and realize that he made the dumbest mistake by letting me go. Cause this time....when I leave, I'm gone forever. I can't be put into this heart-breaking scenario over and over and over. I am worth more than that.

whole again

So this week was General Conference for our church. It is when the Apostles and Prophet speaks to the church as a collective group. It is an amazing time of receiving answers, counsel, and making changes. That is exactly what happened. The week kicked off with my mission reunion. It was the hardest thing to walk up to Pres and Sr. Wadsworth without someone to introduce them to. It was great to see some of my old companions and friends from the mission.

I stayed with friends from Georgia and watched conference with them. There were a lot of good talks and lots of counsel given. I have much to improve on and much to be grateful for.

It was painfully hard for me when Kevin called just to say hello. He had already done it three times this week. He had been to the priesthood conference and he said that things were different and he needed to talk. I was freaking out. I had just poured my whole soul to him on Wednesday of how I am not doing well without him, I miss him terrible, and I just didn't feel whole. He didn't say anything back and I had just planned moving on and accepting that we would probably never be together ever again.

I started thinking about the opposite side now and trying not to get my hopes up while also trying to be so happy that I could burst. It was hard sleeping on the days he called. But last night was just ridiculous. I just imagined every possible scenario that could happen when we planned to meet the next day and he would tell me everything.

So the next day rolled by....very slowly. I didn't see Kevin until 6:30 that night. He was waiting for me in the church parking lot when I drove up. He hugged me with the "I missed you" hug and I knew everything would be alright. He sat me down on the grass. He had his journal with him and started telling me about the priesthood conference. He told me that he was really focused when all of a sudden I popped into his mind. He wrote my name down and underneath wrote, "feel different about her." I don't know what else he said after that cause I was already in la la land by now. He pictured himself marrying me, but then he only thought of three reasons why: physical connection, socially capable, and worthy. He needed to see me in many types of situations. So we needed to date.

Then the cutest thing happened. He took me in his arms and whispered in my ear, "So will you forgive me and take me back." I looked up his beautiful green eyes and just got lost. I stared for awhile and he shifted uncomfortably and asked again. I smiled and almost laughingly said, "Yes!" From that moment on we laughed and held each other and I haven't been so content since the moment he has left my arms. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that the future without Kevin looks very bleak to me and I don't want to be without him as long as I have a say! He is my heart!