incapable of love

I know now what is happening. I have prayed and cried, prayed, and read, prayed and cried and repeated the process atleast ten times with a few sprinkles of temple and church worship. I've talked to tons of people about it. And I have come to a conclusion that feels right in my heart.

I am right for Kevin. So right. He is the one that is not right for me. He will find it hard to find someone that can love him and care for him as much as I do. He has things in his past, that many girls will find hard to accept. And I do accpet that part of him and love him all the more because he has struggled. When you get the love of a southern belle, there is nothing quite as faithful as that type of love. And he has it.

But the problem is, if I were to walk into that relationship, only he would be complete in one way. Because of his choices. He chooses not to love me or get attached to me right now for whatever reasons. I would definitely get the sour end of the deal. I would not be complete in every way possible. He could change that by giving me the chance and love I deserve, but in any other way, Heavenly Father refuses to let it work. I am entitled to so much more love. He also would not feel completed because he doesn't love me. He needs more than just my love. He needs to need and want the girl back.

And so....there is nothing I can do. It is impossible to be friends with him right now. He has hurt me so deeply in so many ways and has lost my faith and trust in him completely. I am sorry to say that he could probably win that back with alot of patience of endurance because I truly love him. It is a curse right now to be in love with such an ignorant and noncommital person. He cares only for himself at this point and there is nothing to be done except to accept and move on.

I am worth so much more than this pain. I deserve so much more. He is an ass for not realizing that I have needs just as he does. He could have been so much more sensitive of my feelings. But he wasn't and he won't at this point. He can't see that anything is wrong with him. But there is. And that makes me want him that much more. But I just can't. I will force myself to move one foot in front of the other.

Give me a few months. I'll move on. I will find the right one for me. It might take eternity, but I would rather have that than a wishy-washy guy who can't realize what he has.