Today

10-23-08

I am not a quick mover on-er. I wish I could be. I start entertaining thoughts of being with certain people and then it takes me forever to talk myself out of liking them. I think I have a separation stress that comes over me and then I get very needy. Then I start liking random people that are not even close to what I'm looking for. And then they take days and weeks to get over and I just waste my time liking people that are not even what I'm looking for.

Just some confusing thoughts that I've had lately. I miss my family. I don't like being here in Ogden alone. Josh is only two hours away, but he is so busy with work and school that I feel like I burden him. My dad has been a little weepy every time I call and he is worried. I know he is. I am struggling...and he can't do anything for me. I can only turn things around. And I will....it's just a matter as long suffering, patience, and perseverance...and well I'm just too stubborn to give up on things that I know that are right. I just need to make sure I'm right.

a little update

Oct. 21

So this week has been pretty good so far. My teaching has been better since all the training occured last week, although I have so much room for improvement. But baby steps right?

For FHE on Monday, we went to the corn maze and had a blast. Some pictures are included ;)

One of my new friends is starting to read my blog and it makes me worried because sometimes I don't put the most uplifting things. I guess there is good and bad in that. I am brutally honest and I don't beat around the bush about my feelings. That is sometimes good...somtimes bad. But I also feel like I should be accentuating the positive in my life and not focusing on the negative. So because I have realized it lately, I am going to try not to tell as much sad and hard things, although this is kind of my journal, and I want to express both the good, the bad, and the ugly....I also feel like there is so much to be grateful for in my life.

For example today...one of my students came up to me and said, "Mrs. Flake, you are the most beautiful teacher I have ever had." I guess she's had the bad and ugly! :) But it made me feel so good inside. And it didn't even come from a boy!

Sometimes I rely too much on what boys think of me and not enough on how amazing I am. One of the best things about me I feel is not viewed from the outside, but the inside. I am a faithful daughter of God and love Him. You can tell someone is faithful by the way they act and I definitely need improvement on it, but I hope that is what my friends seein me as well.

Well here was a short update. Let me know how you think the black hair looks ;)

10-18

I am having a hard night which has surprised me because I have been doing so good the last few days. I thought would be a good time to count my blessings.

• The day was beautiful. Actually the weather all week has been nice and fairly warm. After that snowy day, I needed a few warm ones.
• I asked Paul on a date and he was gracious enough to go to a monastery with me. He was really nice and it was fun.
• I met the greatest guy online and we are getting to be good friends.
• I have not struggled with thinking about Kevin until today, and I have been able to see the bright side of us not being together.
• I watched the anorexia movie again and I am truly blessed to have a fit and semi-healthy body.
• Church is tomorrow and I will be strengthened again.

Wait....

One of my favorite friends sent me this poem and as I read it I cried, because this is exactly what I needed. Times are tough nowadays, and as the Second Coming approaches, it will continue to get tougher. Sometimes I pray and cry and I feel this emptiness inside. But I think it's because I'm yearning for that companionship of the Spirit that only Heavenly Father can send. I feel as if there is sometimes an internal battle inside of my body. The enemy of my soul would love it if I just gave up and gave in to the temptations that so easily persuade me. It's amazing how inside of me, I want to do what's right. I want to be good. And then when something is hard for me to deal with, it takes everything not to just throw the towel and give in. But I was made stronger than that. I have genes of a God in me and there is no way that I will give up on Him if he will never give up on me. And that will never happen.

So here is the poem. It is truly amazing!

Wait
by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."

You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you."

So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

So I'm blessed....

I am such a whiner. These last few months have been hard for me yes, but it could be so much worse. I tend to only have relationship problems, but I am kept safe from so many other problems life has to offer. I should feel extremely blessed that men problems is the worst!

I was watching this documentary on Anorexia. Oh my goodness. I was so sad watch people waste their lives away in obsession over being thin. It truly is an illness. Here I am complaining about not being able to move on very quickly after heartbreaks, yet I feel like I never stop my life over it. Well I did once and that was a no-no. But that was 4 years ago. Yet, sometimes it is hard to stay motivated during times of depression, I never bail out of work, I never miss church and blame God for my woes (because in the end I know He will be the only one standing after a disaster.) I know He'll never leave me no matter how stubborn and silly I am.

But to see these girls obsess after something so unhealthy was heart-wrenching. One of the girls had two kids. She was admitted into a facility and had a pretty positive attitude. They kept up with her after she left and she was recorded going out to eat, and while her kids were watching TV, she spent the bulk of the night in the bathroom purging her guts out. I much rather would have spent the night holding my loved ones than my stomach, but that's when it hit me that we all do amazingly stupid things for no particular reason but to feed our pride, ambitions, lusts, appetites, and behaviors. I knew it, but it just rang true yesterday.

I am about as stupid in the boy department and stubborn. People follow the dating stories that I tell and they are amazed with the crap I can put up with. I just allow myself to be walked on and take it because at least it's an emotion coming from something other than my computer monitor screen. Without realizing it, I lose the respect of the guys I date and become someone I am not. I am not like this in any other situations in life. I am pretty consistent in my job and my church life. But my relationship department, including friendships and family, just kick my little white fanny! I would love some consistency there. But still. my car is running great, I have food, my job is great, my family is supportive and healthy, I am healthy, and I am member of God's church. I am truly blessed.

10-13 Moving on

Ok so I sent everything I felt to K last night and there is nothing else I can do. He'll shove the love away, I'll be hurt for a little longer, and then I'll find a wonderful man that's been waiting for that love all along. And I'll wonder where this man has been for the last 4 years and will drop-kick love all over him ;) (but carefully) I tend to over do it sometimes! :0

10-11-08

So yesterday I was getting ready for work, and a couple of things hit me.
And it helped change my position.

I am right for Kevin.
Kevin is not right for me.
I did everything I could to make it work and he is just....dumb!
So all I can do now is move on.
I guess I had been waiting for that little confidence boost because after being rejected by him so much, I felt like I wasn't worth anyone.

I am grateful for my friendship with Eliza. She was pretty much my first friendship here in Ogen and although she is crazy and eccentric, it beats being alone.