Impatiently waiting

The week before I delivered was a continuous nightmare for me. I was due on May 7th and up until then, I was happy to wait the extra time. I had a lot to get ready. The baby room, the house needed a good clean, and I was still semi-working by lesson planning or grading papers. About two days before although, I started feeling more and more ready, and by the time Monday hit, my bags had been packed, the car seat was ready to go, the baby room was organized, and the house was cleaned as much as could be. I was ready. Mentally and physically, I had had enough of this pregnancy. The many symptoms, sleepless nights, moments of inadequacy, and the days of walking around like a big balloon were coming to an end. The day before my due date I thought I would do some things to help speed up the process. We went for a long walk, we drove down a bumpy road, I jumped in place (no tramp), I ate pineapple. No matter what you do, the baby will come out when he is ready. So on the due date, I was only a little surprised that I had not even felt a contraction yet. May 9th was my overdue doctor's appointment, so my doctor did a scraping on my cervix. I had heard it wouldn't hurt, but that was just not so. It felt very uncomfortable and for the rest of the day I started to feel small Braxton Hicks contractions. They didn't hurt at all and that made me sad. I was ready for the pain. Karen McBride, my midwife said I should be entering the hospital sometime that night, but unfortunately, my cervix was a little more stubborn. The next day, (May 13th) I woke up with no contractions. It hadn't worked. I had Fred stay home from work, because we were sure a second scraping would send me straight into labor. It didn't. It just made me that much more sore. My Braxton Hicks contractions were stronger, but still not very painful. Fred and I were able to continue cleaning up areas of the house we had ignored, but I was too depressed to do anything. Again I woke up the next day with no contractions. I felt he was growing too big and the more he waited, the bigger of a baby I would have to pop out. Small girls have a really hard time having vaginal births, and a C-section was a very strong possibility. So day after day, Fred and I went on walks, tried to bring this baby in the world, but he was a little more stubborn that! The doctor scheduled my appointment with the hospital for me to be induced. I was nervous, but ready. As the day came nearer, my nerves were on end. I was more emotional than I had ever been in my whole pregnancy, and that was saying something. When the day finally came I was nervous, but ready.

Starting our family...symptoms and blessings

Fred and I decided that in our second year of marriage, we should start trying for a baby. We only had a small window of time to get pregnant. I wanted to still teach and so the window opened in August and it would have closed in October. I felt confident that if it was meant to be, it would happen. And it took only a few weeks to get pregnant. We did not take a pregnancy test until 6 weeks, but I knew secretly inside I was. I was in the bathtub when my feelings were confirmed. I peed on the pink stick and a few minutes later, Fred came in and read that he saw a positive pink sign. I lay back in the tub and thought about how our lives would change. It was kind of a surreal moment.

For the next few months, I had symptoms that in comparison with other pregos were pretty mild. I have had a cold for pretty much my whole pregnancy. It made it hard for me to sleep and I made weird vibrating snores on especially stuffy nights. I threw up almost every morning, usually because I gagged on my toothbrush, but sometimes I didn't make it out of the shower before it came on. It was mostly yellow, acidic bile. Very gross. It wasn't fun, but at least it only happened once a day. Other than that, if I ate on time, or didn't eat too much, I would be fine.

Our first ultrasound appointment was pretty neat, seeing the baby move for the first time. Michelle was our first midwife, but she broke her arm and we had to change to Karen McBride 8 months into the pregnancy. :( It was sad, but I guess a doctor is a doctor. When they took my blood for the first time, I could barely splash some blood in the tube. I was so dehydrated. It was hard to drink a lot at school, because bathroom escapes were not easy. He sat low on my bladder too and so I was CONSTANTLY going to the bathroom. That was one of my least favorite symptoms. Then the heartburn came. I had never had that before. Before every meal, after every meal, in between meals, anytime really, I felt this burning in my chest. Thank goodness for Tums, although chalky it may have been. On week 19 or 20, we went to a doctors appointment, and they always gave us an ultrasound to add to our cd. This time, we found out our little jellybean was a boy, and that he loved to move around. Michelle had to chase him around with the ultrasound stick. So we already had a boy and girl name picked out...Anna Claire and Fred the fifth. It was a deal breaker. I was a little sad to find out it was a boy just because every woman wants a little girl to take care of, and what if I never get one? But I am also glad it was a boy because we could get the legacy taken care of and I would not have to keep trying for a boy. Mixed feelings I guess.

Months later, I am excited to be having a boy first, although at all the baby showers, the girl clothing was so much more cuter. :( Oh well, hopefully one day. He continues to grow healthy and strong. Then I started having pains right under my chest that was kind of a numbing feeling. It was horrible. I iced it almost every night and took a bath most nights until I realized I smelled like old bathwater all the time. Then I started limiting my baths. :)

Teaching got harder and harder. Standing up was becoming so hard so I would sit behind my desk most of the day. Thank goodness for Lori Taylor and all of her help in my classroom. My students were very supportive and excited. I shared with them an ultrasound and gave them updates regularly. When it came closer tot he date, I am sure they got tired of all the extra errands I had them run for me, and all them many things I dropped and had them pick up for me.

Fred has been a gem throughout my entire pregnancy. He's had his days, but for the most part, has been so supportive and helpful. I get very emotional, especially the last two weeks of my pregnancy, and I am very needy. I couldn't, or chose not to cook. It made me sick to even smell food and standing more than I had to was never what I wanted. And so he gracefully cooked all the food, made my grits, macaroni and cheese, ice cream splits, or whatever I was craving at the time. He was my hero. And on really bad nights, he would rub my feet or play with my hair and we would watch our shows in bed. It became our hangout spot. We never ate at the table, which has become a terrible habit which we now need to break. He always holds me when I have my emotional moments, and they are many!

Baby Showers

Then there were my baby showers. The first one was kind of disappointing to me. It was my family one, except that none of my family came. I don't have alot of Flake family around so I was sad that the few I invited, didn't come. I know most of Fred's family, but I still feel more comfortable around my own family.

The second one that I had was the one Lynette and Danielle threw me at school. I got a few things I needed. But I noticed a pattern. Most people who I didn't have a strong relationship with usually got me an outfit. And it was usually 0-3 months. Well that was kind of disappointing. I had plenty of 0-3 clothes donated to me and I wanted to be able to clothe him for the other months of year. Plus they grow so fast, I knew he wouldn't be in them for long. Plus I noticed some of the outfits were either under 3 dollars or over 8. For one outfit! Geesh....I am never getting outfits for anyone for their baby shower.

I also got a plethora of blankets. In a Mormon community, everyone knows how to sew, quilt, and needlepoint. I must have been given twenty blankets. I wanted people so badly to take advantage of my registry. I needed everything...bottles, baby equipment, baby essentials....just everything.

That's why my third shower with all of my besties and favorite people was my favorite shower. Kirsten did an amazing job and it was so good to some of my closest friends. I felt homesick for Georgia and my family, but after this shower I realized how many great friends I have in Utah.

They actually got me things I really needed. I got the Boppy pillow I wanted, baby monitors, lots of kitchen supplies, diapers and wipes, safety equipment for the house, and even a little tub. I know you might think that a little outfit would be better than these boring items, but I was so happy and relieved to be getting things that I needed.

We also decorated alot of white onesies. They turned out so cute.

The ward threw me a 4th shower and I had just a few of my close friends come to it. I got mostly outfits again, but at this point, I had started getting donations from friends, and I was less worried about not having something. I also understand that you do not have to have EVERYthing that they try to sell you for your baby. The final shower was not really a shower, but a party for me and my students. It was the last day of school I worked (thank goodness). It ended up being such a blast. We played games like estimating how big my stomach was, guessing baby pictures of my students, guessing which attributes would be Fred's and which little Freddy would get from me, and then the baby dash.

We had cake in the shape of an owl. It was so cute. I also got many things I needed at this shower. Lori Taylor, a dear friend to me, helped so much to make sure I was given some of the items on my registry. I felt very loved by all of my students. They made me a book wiht advice of what mothers should do or say to their children. SOme are hilarious....Moms should always let you go outside to play. Moms should kiss you goodnight every night, read you a bedtime story, the list goes on and on. They also decorated my door all cute!

First Date with Fred

Fred led me through the obstacles in his room until we cleared a space for his bed.  He had video games, magazines, music, and movies everywhere. I was hoping that this didn’t mean we’d have to sit close.  Wrong!

       He had only a twin bed to sit on and so we were cheek to cheek.  He started the movie, and moved even closer, if that was even possible.  Luckily, this was a pretty powerful movie that I was able to enjoy.  But dog-gone-it…if he didn’t put his arm around me halfway through the movie and start rubbing my back.  A good back-rub is hard to resist!

       So I let him.  A few minutes later, he slid his hand into mine, and I felt the queasiness kick in.  He had a wart on his hand.  I know warts can be cured, but the rough, bumpy texture of it just made me cringe.  Luckily the date was coming to an end and he dropped me off at my house.  Well I had fulfilled my one-date quota and I made a special point to never go out with him again. 

March 23, 2009

Well I am doing a lot better than I was.

Fred and I are doing better. I have been praying that I would have more love for him. It has been working. I have been feeling a lot of love for Fred. It feels good again. I feel in love again. I don't know what happened to stop that feeling but I am glad it is back.

Fred also got offered a job to be a lab technician at Lenscrafter. I hope he does well and that he is able to keep up with his school work. I am on him all the time and tonight for FHE we talked about being patient with each to keep our marriage strong. We actually have done well at having FHE, prayer, and scripture study. We seem to be good at the routine stuff but when a little thing happens, I get irritated, angry, or we both get sad or upset. So we need to work on the little behaviors that will help our relationship.

So maybe I should spend some time on working on myself. Actually I was also praying that I could find myself again and develop some of my talents. That same night an idea for a motivational talk popped in my head and I couldn't go to sleep. So i finally got my journal and wrote it down. It didn't sound as great when I was writing it down but maybe it will come in handy some day.

Also at church there is a man that teaches classes at the Kid's club and he has been wanting someone to teach some line dancing or some other dance classes. Then they found out at the ward that I can teach dance in Relief Society and I could possibly teach it at one of the Enrichment activities. It would great to be able to dance on a regular basis. It has been great teaching the youth how to dance.

School is hard some days and other days I feel like I am doing OK> I guess I need to have bad days to enjoy the good ones.

Beginning of my married life!

March 14, 2010
It's obviously been four months since I have been hitched now, but its better to start than now never. It's been an interesting trip so far. I actually have had more struggles than I would have hoped for. Fred is a very social and energetic guy. I am an energertic and social girl, or so I thought. I feel I am getting more and more away from the social side of me which makes me sad. I am constantly praying that I can find myself again. I guess I have kind of lost myself within Fred.

The things that bothered me about Fred have magnified, like the fact that he doesn't have a job, struggling with school, and plays video games too much are some of the biggest concerns I have. He is very supportive of me although and who am I to boss him around. he is an adult, but yet sometimes I pray he will grow out of the habits he has.

School was hard to balance with at first. I just wanted to go home and be with Fred all the time. We became very secluded people and after a month or two he wanted to start having friends over and going out. I guess I just like to have just him around because when others come around he dominates alot of the conversation. He's a talker alright. I have trouble getting him to not talk about himself. We had a few arguments about that, but then again that shows how selfish and self-centered I was. He usually starts all the conversation and he must not like any silence because if its quiet for too long he'll make up for the lost time.

It was also hard to come home after a long day and see him playing games on the couch. I was tired and had worked hard and all I would expect from another half is to work equally as hard. So that's another struggle.

That losing myself feeling is the hardest part of this. I am grateful I was given an assignment to teach the Youth a Hoedown dance for the July Celebration. I miss dancing. I miss the time I had to scrapbook and I would pobably do these things more but I am terribly tired when I get home and Fred will just play video games if I do it. I guess I shouldn't try to stop it. It's inevitable. I hate them. It wouldn't be so bad but he has violent and suggestive ones. He struggles with shows that have heavy sexual content and I struggle with anything that has violence. I am just worried it will filter into my childrens' lives.

I haven't been doing anything that would develop my talents lately and I just feel lousy. I have so many plans to change the world and I feel like I go to work, sometimes make dinner, watch Heroes or some other meaningless show, and go to bed. Then repeat. Meaningless. I have so many dreams to affect youth across the world through motivational speaking or dancing. I want to be a dance teacher. I want to serve and do missionary work. I guess I am just not being patient with myself.

May 30th

I finally moved out of the apartment I've been living in for the last little while. All my stuff is in storage (With Fred's stuff). So this is all important because it's one step closer to being with Fred, my heart.

I"m closing off the school year and I am officially done next Friday. It's been a long, hard, but wonderful first year of teaching. I definitely have learned so much and have so much room for improvement. I want to be better for next year, but for right now....I just need break.

I am leaving for Houston next Friday to be with Fred for most of the summer, minus the week I have conference, the week I'll be in Massachusetts. :) I"m excited for that!!!

Ya...I have so much in my life that has changed for the better. I am happy, I have a good job, and the love of my life makes me happier than I've ever been. We're looking for a deeper commitment when he comes back in September, but we're just going to enjoy dating this summer! I"ll keep you updated!