So here I am again
Back at square one
Where I feel I always am
Two Sundays ago I met the most amazing guy ever. He was just what I was looking for. Nice, friendly, compassionate, cute, and strong in the church. We hung out every day after, he met my parents, who happened to be down for the weekend, and it just felt right in every way. I spent every moment I could with him, which was hard because I was with my parents and trying to get my classroom ready. It would have been murder without them.
There are so many connection moments that Kevin and I had and for once I felt we liked each other equally and that there was a great chance we would date sooner than later. We kissed at the end of the week. So I thought, "Well let's date." He held back because he had just been home only under a month and back in the states only two weeks.
He was going to the mountains that weekend and wanted time to think it out and pray about it. Well to be completely honest, that was one hard weekend without him. I missed him so much! There was another guy that I was kind of interested before I met Kevin and so before I was tormented with having to choose one of them because they were both uniquely awesome. But when Kevin left, I knew that Ray had no chance. Life was dull again and so were my feelings for Ray.
Kevin came back late Sunday night. I was so anxious to see him. He never called. Or came over. I was starting to get nervous. I drove to his house to realize he still wasn't home. He finally called at 11:30 and with a very emotionless voice told me he was fine. He had received an answer but he wanted to tell me in person. He didn't sound excited and when I told him how much I had missed him, he just changed the subject. It was hard on my ego and pride, and that night started a whole week of uneasiness.
The next day I was preparing for my first day of school which was the following day. I was a bunch of nerves. On top of that, I was unsure how Kevin felt and my heart ached for him. I needed him right now. I did not need him to be distant from me right now. He wanted to meet for lunch. We did and I could tell right away it was exactly as I thought it would be. He didn't necessarily tell me he didn't want to date me, but he just saw so many options in front of him that he wasn't ready to settle down. He also encouraged me to go to Institute to meet other guys. I was heartbroken. He had told me he wanted to go out on dates still, but the love I had felt from him last week was nonexistent.
My body did not know how to take that hard blow. It was like a demon erupted inside of me. I screamed in agony inside and still yearned for him to reach out and hold me. I left defeated and cried pretty much the entire night. How could those feelings be changed over a weekend? I knew something was wrong. I told Kevin I needed to see him the next night. He was hesitant, but agreed.
When I came to his house, he was very standoffish. I had just been with Ray and when he had called me back, Ray was talking to me in the background. I think he felt it was an opportunity to get me to back out. "Why don't you date Ray again," he said. I was shocked he could push me off so easily. I asked him could we go for a walk. He didn't want to but finally relented after he saw I needed it more than air. We walked up by the mountain near his house. We just talked. Mostly him about his childhood memories near the mountain. He was so distant, like we had never touched before. He heard a noise and thought it a great reason to go back.
We went back to his downstairs apartment and he was wishing me to go so he could get homework done. I looked up at him and begged for reasons for this new change. he sat me down on the couch and explained that the last two weeks had been really hard on him. He had gotten back into some old habits and would need to meet with a Bishop. I settled down after he told me and felt calmer in ways.
I told him of a problem I struggled with after my mission. I told him I also had gone through the same thing and shared my feelings about how hard it is getting back into the swing of things after mission life. He stared at me for a good minute after I told him my struggle. He reached out and grabbed for the first time that night and just clung to me. He said, "Oh Jenny! That's what I'm struggling with too." From that moment on, the way he felt about me changed completely. He had opened up to me and shared something he felt he could never tell anyone but his mom and bishop.
He expected me to get up, run away, and never look back at a person like him. Actually I do the opposite. I cling harder to the person, be the best support I can be, and try to fill this person with love that they've been lacking. That kind of love-giving can eventually push you away from each other which is what happened after two amazing nights of connection with him. We had gotten too close to messing up on the last night and I ran out the house upset I had let it move so fast. I turned back to him and held him one last time. I whispered, "Please can we never do that again." He stared at me blankly and said, "I promise."
The next day we talked and he told me it would be best not to see or talk to each other anymore. I can't even tell you how I felt after those words. Used, hurt, angry, numb, and so done with life at that moment that nothing seemed to matter anymore. I had already had a rough week at school trying to focus on my job and leave home life at home. I was failing miserably and my students felt when things were not right.
I called him the next day begging him to reconsider. I told him I just couldn't not talk to him and that it hurt too much. He was emotionless as he told me he just wasn't ready. So in a nutshell, these have been my joys and pains for the last two weeks and the roller coaster is never-ending.
I;m sure my readers are thinking, "Gosh Jenny. It's just a guy you've been with for only two weeks." But you see my fine friends, that is not the point. This same process has happened to me over and over and over. First there was Micaiah, Steve, Chad, Trevor, Randy, Robert, and many other disappointing relationships that never even started. I don't know why God keeps me from something that I've wanted for so long. It seems to come easily for some. Some girls marry at 18 and they never struggle with never having someone. I am now 24 and feel like I've struggled for a good 6 years for accepting that I don't need someone to be happy. Obviously I haven't learned enough though and so I am cursed to walk alone once more.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
First Day of Forever
So I am a teacher
and today was my first day
and what hit me, I had not planned
The students came in early, way too early, and I'm already having a bad week from relationship hardships. Parents came along. Kids put their materials in an assembly line. What a disaster!!!! I had way too much time in between transitions and I was twiddling my thumbs. How do teachers fill the time?? Who knows? I should give myself more credit. I'm on a first-day first year teacher and no one got hurt. Well a little boy did pop himself in the face with his water bottle and pretty much soaked himself silly. He started crying. but what was sad was that I had already made him cry three hours previous.
The pickup was a disaster. The parents were as unprepared as the teachers. Charter school is such a different concept and even though I chose it over a traditional way of teaching because it's pretty much an amazing concept, I wish I was back to the "Teacher gives instructions- students follow. Now it's a lot of preparation for me and I already had no social life. I guess I am going to die single!!!
I had an amazing week last week with this guy I met, Kevin. He even met my parents when they were down. He's pretty much amazing and I didn't want the week to end. Well it did and it's back to the frustrating dating life I never seem to get right. Won't the right one please stand up and end my misery???
No of course not! It's never that simple. And neither is my school. So I guess in about a month things will settle----hopefully. Until then..enduring to the end!
Yours faithfully
Jenny
and today was my first day
and what hit me, I had not planned
The students came in early, way too early, and I'm already having a bad week from relationship hardships. Parents came along. Kids put their materials in an assembly line. What a disaster!!!! I had way too much time in between transitions and I was twiddling my thumbs. How do teachers fill the time?? Who knows? I should give myself more credit. I'm on a first-day first year teacher and no one got hurt. Well a little boy did pop himself in the face with his water bottle and pretty much soaked himself silly. He started crying. but what was sad was that I had already made him cry three hours previous.
The pickup was a disaster. The parents were as unprepared as the teachers. Charter school is such a different concept and even though I chose it over a traditional way of teaching because it's pretty much an amazing concept, I wish I was back to the "Teacher gives instructions- students follow. Now it's a lot of preparation for me and I already had no social life. I guess I am going to die single!!!
I had an amazing week last week with this guy I met, Kevin. He even met my parents when they were down. He's pretty much amazing and I didn't want the week to end. Well it did and it's back to the frustrating dating life I never seem to get right. Won't the right one please stand up and end my misery???
No of course not! It's never that simple. And neither is my school. So I guess in about a month things will settle----hopefully. Until then..enduring to the end!
Yours faithfully
Jenny
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Life's hard lessons in Ogden
Life in Ogden has been adventurous to say the least. I feel very unsettle in my uncomfortable apartment. I have learned my lesson with living with people outside of my faith. They do things I've never been okay with. Others may do it with ease, but it has been hard for me. My parents tried to convince me not to, but I had always loved being a missionary and what better way than moving in where you can be an example at all times.
It wasn't cherry pie, that's for sure. But I feel I learned a lesson that couldn't be learned any other way. It's so important for me to surround myself with good influences who live and believe as I do. It's not to say I don't want to be friends and love them, it's just that it is too hard trying to blend the two in the same house. It still continues till the end of the month, so there is more to learn I suppose. I have messed up, of course, but I will never learn if I don't sometimes fall down.
Besides that, I have been getting my new classroom ready. It is an old school that we have moved into for the meantime until our new school is built. It is an exceptionally challenging school to learn as well as teach in. That is why I chose to move here. I never wanted to teach in a traditional school. I wanted a more progressive schooling where there was hands on learning, and inquiry based teaching. It challenges me as well as my students. I'll be teaching 3-5 grades so I shouldn't be bored. At first ;)
To all those who keep asking, I am not currently working on my book. It doesn't mean I won't finish it, but I want to leave it for awhile. I feel I got everything out that needs to be out and now I need to let the feelings stand alone awhile until I'm ready to pick it up again. It was harder than I thought. So instead I am working on a children's book series. It is so fun! If nothing else, they will be amusing stories for my students.
As far as relationships go, I have met someone recently that has a twinkle in their eye for me. I don't know how much so that is all I will say for now. We are getting to know each other VERY SLOW, and I am surprised how calm I am about that! If nothing else, he has been a fun friend to be with. I miss Vegas and the friendships I had there. But on to a new page right??
It wasn't cherry pie, that's for sure. But I feel I learned a lesson that couldn't be learned any other way. It's so important for me to surround myself with good influences who live and believe as I do. It's not to say I don't want to be friends and love them, it's just that it is too hard trying to blend the two in the same house. It still continues till the end of the month, so there is more to learn I suppose. I have messed up, of course, but I will never learn if I don't sometimes fall down.
Besides that, I have been getting my new classroom ready. It is an old school that we have moved into for the meantime until our new school is built. It is an exceptionally challenging school to learn as well as teach in. That is why I chose to move here. I never wanted to teach in a traditional school. I wanted a more progressive schooling where there was hands on learning, and inquiry based teaching. It challenges me as well as my students. I'll be teaching 3-5 grades so I shouldn't be bored. At first ;)
To all those who keep asking, I am not currently working on my book. It doesn't mean I won't finish it, but I want to leave it for awhile. I feel I got everything out that needs to be out and now I need to let the feelings stand alone awhile until I'm ready to pick it up again. It was harder than I thought. So instead I am working on a children's book series. It is so fun! If nothing else, they will be amusing stories for my students.
As far as relationships go, I have met someone recently that has a twinkle in their eye for me. I don't know how much so that is all I will say for now. We are getting to know each other VERY SLOW, and I am surprised how calm I am about that! If nothing else, he has been a fun friend to be with. I miss Vegas and the friendships I had there. But on to a new page right??
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
crazy.....
So here I am in Ogden Utah! Life has begun again. I'm extremely busy again and life is good. Owen, a friend of mine, reminded me when I was deciding where to live that I should not rule out Utah just because of the "weird Mormons" that lived there, and the excessive snow. He encouraged me that this was a great opportunity to start over. No one knew me and it was a fresh start in life. So I went to my interview with eyes half-way shut and realized after many nights on my knees and after talking to anyone that would listen that this is where I was supposed to be.
So I started wrapping up my life in Vegas, a little taking the trash out, and moving to a place where I potentially did not know a single person. It was hard at first, but alot of things fell together, or I should say apart right before I left Vegas. I really found out what true friendship meant and I learned a little about who I am deep, deep inside. And I was truly happy that I had stayed strong through a long summer.
It was great in Ogden. The lady that I work closely with was fabulous and I loved my new condo that I shared with two other girls. Things have recently gotten sticky with the housing and I pretty much will have to find somewhere else to live next month, but it was fun while it lasted....
I met some pretty amazing people right away and life has been a lot more exciting of late.
Today was my first orientation with the new awesome school I'm at. It's top of the line! It's the most progressive school I have found so far and it's exactly the way I like to teach. But yet its challenging enough where I constantly am trying to stretch myself. One day I will be a Master Teacher and life will rock! So there is a little update.
Still no relationships to report on...although I have a date tonight so stay tuned ;)
So I started wrapping up my life in Vegas, a little taking the trash out, and moving to a place where I potentially did not know a single person. It was hard at first, but alot of things fell together, or I should say apart right before I left Vegas. I really found out what true friendship meant and I learned a little about who I am deep, deep inside. And I was truly happy that I had stayed strong through a long summer.
It was great in Ogden. The lady that I work closely with was fabulous and I loved my new condo that I shared with two other girls. Things have recently gotten sticky with the housing and I pretty much will have to find somewhere else to live next month, but it was fun while it lasted....
I met some pretty amazing people right away and life has been a lot more exciting of late.
Today was my first orientation with the new awesome school I'm at. It's top of the line! It's the most progressive school I have found so far and it's exactly the way I like to teach. But yet its challenging enough where I constantly am trying to stretch myself. One day I will be a Master Teacher and life will rock! So there is a little update.
Still no relationships to report on...although I have a date tonight so stay tuned ;)
Sunday, July 27, 2008
The Roller Coaster of Life
Well the last few months since graduation has definitely been a twist in my life. I've learned many hard and valuable lessons, some of which I pray I never repeat! I've probably developed more wrinkles in my brain, creases in my forehead, and wrinkles under my eyes.
And through it all, I would have had it no other way. I probably could have done things differently, but if you don't mess up anything, you don't have anything to fix. And fixin things are my specialty. lol I think I'll take a break from fixin others' problems and spend more time fixin myself.
I've made a huge decision to be in Utah for the next year. That is the last place I thought I wanted to be. But it turns out, that God knows a lot more than I give him credit for and things are going beautifully for me in the beautiful mountains of Utah! I look around and see God's wonders more than I ever did in Vegas. But I do sometimes miss the starry lights from the city and my friends and mission buds! But what a vacation that will be, so I'm not too concerned!
I've had a couple of relationships with guys this summer that have made my heart race, but the non commitment of it all rattled my brain, kept me puzzled, and left me with emptiness. But in that process, I have met one guy that has made my heart melt more than any guy since my ex-fiance. I haven't felt that much chemistry and attraction for awhile and yet, there is so much more to him than that. He's still unknown to most people and I am not even sure he understands or even knows that I feel this way for him. We're obviously not dating, but I've found what I'm looking for and I'm content.
This summer has been all about finding out the dreams and hopes I've had and want to have and making them come true. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl and I am making it happen in less than a month. It's so exciting (and expensive) to get my classroom ready and to finally feel that what I'm doing is as worthwhile as the 18 months I spent on my knees praying and teaching for the people of Las Vegas.
Some of my passions and desires have been lost through the years until recently and I've found there is so much more life to look forward to than I could ever imagine. So there are ups and there are downs on this roller coaster of life. So I'm just trying to enjoy the ride, hold on during the downers, and look forward to the blast upward!
And through it all, I would have had it no other way. I probably could have done things differently, but if you don't mess up anything, you don't have anything to fix. And fixin things are my specialty. lol I think I'll take a break from fixin others' problems and spend more time fixin myself.
I've made a huge decision to be in Utah for the next year. That is the last place I thought I wanted to be. But it turns out, that God knows a lot more than I give him credit for and things are going beautifully for me in the beautiful mountains of Utah! I look around and see God's wonders more than I ever did in Vegas. But I do sometimes miss the starry lights from the city and my friends and mission buds! But what a vacation that will be, so I'm not too concerned!
I've had a couple of relationships with guys this summer that have made my heart race, but the non commitment of it all rattled my brain, kept me puzzled, and left me with emptiness. But in that process, I have met one guy that has made my heart melt more than any guy since my ex-fiance. I haven't felt that much chemistry and attraction for awhile and yet, there is so much more to him than that. He's still unknown to most people and I am not even sure he understands or even knows that I feel this way for him. We're obviously not dating, but I've found what I'm looking for and I'm content.
This summer has been all about finding out the dreams and hopes I've had and want to have and making them come true. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was a little girl and I am making it happen in less than a month. It's so exciting (and expensive) to get my classroom ready and to finally feel that what I'm doing is as worthwhile as the 18 months I spent on my knees praying and teaching for the people of Las Vegas.
Some of my passions and desires have been lost through the years until recently and I've found there is so much more life to look forward to than I could ever imagine. So there are ups and there are downs on this roller coaster of life. So I'm just trying to enjoy the ride, hold on during the downers, and look forward to the blast upward!
Monday, June 30, 2008
boys...boys...boys
So I have a dating journal that I have kept since I started going on dates (well the legal dating life of 16). I had a few before then, but we won't go there!
Back to the journal....in it I have recorded every single legal date I have ever been on. It can be quite a read if you actually get your hands on it. I basically write down everything: where we went, cute things he told me, what I learned about dating in general, how I felt about the guy, and my expectations of where I thought it would go. It's kind of a trophy book to someone from the outside I guess, but to me it is a learning tool.
For example, I have been able to look back at relationships and check myself through it's progress. One of the guys I actually ended up dating, I did this with. As the relationship progressed, I was coming to the decision of whether I should take the relationship to the next level or break up. I had done the pros and cons list, prayed about it, talked to everyone and their dog and I still wasn't quite sure what to do. I loved this guy obviously because I had invested so much time and heart into the relationship. It would have been hard at this time to give up something so great! But still...I had no answers. Just pure love. So I was writing a date in my journal one night and I decided to flip back through my dates with this guy that I loved so much. One our very first date, I was surprised with my first impressions. I had obviously blocked them out and forgotten about them. It said very clearly, "I don't think I would want to marry a guy like this, but he would be fun to hang out with." I flipped through the next date and still I had said, "Well he's nice and really good looking, but there is just something missing." As each date came, I stopped realizing all the things that weren't working and instead reported all the fun times we were having. It was easy to block out the uncertain when he was so fun! I realized then that I had ignored my first initial impression of this guy. I took that as an answer and moved forward with the breakup. It was one of the hardest decisions, but I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I would have just remembered that first initial impression.
Now I know this seems a little naive, but I still have my reasons for continuing to write. One day I will learn specifically why certain guys were brought in my life and that will reassure me it was worth the experience. Sometimes that verification is hard to see, yet, someday...it won't be.
So the point of this whole entry is to say this....I have been on 189 dates as of last Monday....and over I'd say 140 of those dates were first time dates. Either I was hooked up on a blind date, gutsy enough to ask a hot guy out, or some random guy was interested in me. Either way, that is a lot of freakin guys!!!! For 8 years, I have randomly trusted and given pieces of my heart to random guys. And all for the experience at times.
Dating can be extremely fun, and always had been until I started school at BYU-Idaho. There I started stressing out that friends were talking marriage everywhere I turned. RM's scraped the walls of that place and they were ready to move on to the next step in their life. My roommates were dropping like flies. 8 of them married while I lived with them. It can be quite frustrating, lonely, and hard when others are ,moving on with a huge step in their lives while you are being left behind. This Mormon culture that I grew up around definitely was having an impact and I have realized...taken all the fun out of dating. I used to have so much fun without a care in the world where the relationship would go. I would take each date as it came and live in the moment. I think it's time I return to that old me!
Welcome back Jenny! It's been awhile!
Back to the journal....in it I have recorded every single legal date I have ever been on. It can be quite a read if you actually get your hands on it. I basically write down everything: where we went, cute things he told me, what I learned about dating in general, how I felt about the guy, and my expectations of where I thought it would go. It's kind of a trophy book to someone from the outside I guess, but to me it is a learning tool.
For example, I have been able to look back at relationships and check myself through it's progress. One of the guys I actually ended up dating, I did this with. As the relationship progressed, I was coming to the decision of whether I should take the relationship to the next level or break up. I had done the pros and cons list, prayed about it, talked to everyone and their dog and I still wasn't quite sure what to do. I loved this guy obviously because I had invested so much time and heart into the relationship. It would have been hard at this time to give up something so great! But still...I had no answers. Just pure love. So I was writing a date in my journal one night and I decided to flip back through my dates with this guy that I loved so much. One our very first date, I was surprised with my first impressions. I had obviously blocked them out and forgotten about them. It said very clearly, "I don't think I would want to marry a guy like this, but he would be fun to hang out with." I flipped through the next date and still I had said, "Well he's nice and really good looking, but there is just something missing." As each date came, I stopped realizing all the things that weren't working and instead reported all the fun times we were having. It was easy to block out the uncertain when he was so fun! I realized then that I had ignored my first initial impression of this guy. I took that as an answer and moved forward with the breakup. It was one of the hardest decisions, but I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I would have just remembered that first initial impression.
Now I know this seems a little naive, but I still have my reasons for continuing to write. One day I will learn specifically why certain guys were brought in my life and that will reassure me it was worth the experience. Sometimes that verification is hard to see, yet, someday...it won't be.
So the point of this whole entry is to say this....I have been on 189 dates as of last Monday....and over I'd say 140 of those dates were first time dates. Either I was hooked up on a blind date, gutsy enough to ask a hot guy out, or some random guy was interested in me. Either way, that is a lot of freakin guys!!!! For 8 years, I have randomly trusted and given pieces of my heart to random guys. And all for the experience at times.
Dating can be extremely fun, and always had been until I started school at BYU-Idaho. There I started stressing out that friends were talking marriage everywhere I turned. RM's scraped the walls of that place and they were ready to move on to the next step in their life. My roommates were dropping like flies. 8 of them married while I lived with them. It can be quite frustrating, lonely, and hard when others are ,moving on with a huge step in their lives while you are being left behind. This Mormon culture that I grew up around definitely was having an impact and I have realized...taken all the fun out of dating. I used to have so much fun without a care in the world where the relationship would go. I would take each date as it came and live in the moment. I think it's time I return to that old me!
Welcome back Jenny! It's been awhile!
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Summer photos
This is Owen.....the cute boy I had a fling with. Sad day it ended. :(
Me and my best friend, Heidi getting ready for the dance (where I would meet Owen)
These are my cute nieces, Lilly and Ginger. We had a blast on the beach every day!
This is my baby Austin. We grew up together and haven't seen each other for five years. It was like we never left. Love him!!!! So cool and accepting of others
This is me with a bunch of hotties from Georgia :) Kenny, Dave, Kyle and Keith! Some of the best guys ever!! Truly.
This is me with the happy couple, Kamie and James Detterback nd my best friend, Amber Gardner.
Oh I left this out and it was probably number 4 best Georgia good times :0 This is me and my Bryan in the air in his private plane. He probably would get pissed if I shared this but I also got kissed in the air for the first time ;) Love ya friend!! hehehe
Me and Anika, my best friends daughter! She is sooooo freakn cute!
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