Ok today was awesome.

I have had so much fun with my crew at school. I am like their homeroom base teacher, but I've had them the last part of the day (2 1/2 hrs) for expedition. I'll be sad when they rotate in a week. The characteristic we were working on this week was adventure. We built forts and watched Hoot (A movie about protecting birds). We've bonded a lot lately and I feel like they are my kids. I had to be so strict in the beginning, but I am loosening up because they are getting better at following directions. It's my other English classes that I haven't had for very long that I am have to pull the reins pretty hard with.

With every class, I did a hip-hop routine with and they loved it. They were like, "Ms. Flake! You're awesome. You move so fast." Good thing they don't know that I'm on the bottom of the "best dancer" line. But I seriously love to dance. That is my "out." I feel free...like I am home. I have realized lately how little of dancing I have been doing, and it really is having an effect on my attitude. So Eliza and I are dancing in the talent show. That will be interesting. She's like ghetto girl and I am Ballroom chick!

My school has this big gymnasium and I am thinking of going in after school and getting back into my clog and jazz. I miss it. I will have to reteach myself. It's been awhile and I have become more self-conscious. I really want to ballroom dance again. That is my true passion. But the problem is...finding the perfect partner. The one that moves with you...and not against you. Who leads with a gentle hand and who shares the same passion you do. Very difficult. I'm working on it though! I want to one day do a cabaret with someone. That is my ultimate dream. Oh besides running and touring my own dance company and performing professionally. That will take some more effort and training on my part. I'm only a silver dancer so there is much work to do!

Oh and then the best part of the day- My students chose service to work on last week. They chose a service project....giving appreciation baskets to each teacher. They loved handing them out to the teachers and I know the teachers liked it! Then I find out that the school is doing an article on it in the school newspaper. Awesome huh!

Ok the best of the best news is that I was chosen to attend the EL (Expeditionary Learning) Conference in SLC for three days. EL is the type of Charter school we are and there are certain protocols we learn and apply in our teaching and we're all new to it, so I am honored that I was chosen. It will be a blast getting with other teachers that have the same passion about teaching that I do. Plus the EL trainers are HOOOOTTT!!! :0

Had to throw that tid-bit in. But hey I can! I am single. Yay! It's fun at times. Right now it's a blast. Poor Sam. He wants me to settle down and date him, but I am just having way too much checking out my options. I know how Kevin felt now and I am very much more sympathetic. If you don't feel it, why settle. I am so glad he didn't. I don't think he is quite right for me. I need someone to want me more than just for a good kiss.

Well I have a date today and tomorrow with Sam. I have a blind date with someone on Wednesday and I am going to Idaho to have a few more dates with friends from school. Life is good. Just give me a day...it will be a train wreck soon. That's the roller coaster of life. It's down and now it's up again.

a week's worth....phew!!!!

So much can happen in a week.

I met someone. He actually was a blind date that I had in between shaky times with Kevin and I. His name is Sam. He is really tall and a really big guy. LOL. We're an odd match in ways, but perfect in others. He is everything I am looking for so far. Except he can't dance, but I learned on a walk with him the other night that he doesn't mind it and would be into learning. Score. But he hates BYU- strike!!! Oh well. You can't win them all.

He blushes when I smile at him. That part is the cutest. It helps me remember I am a catch worth catching. For once I am moving like molasses. I've only hugged him like three times and they were really fast hugs. I keep my hands inside my jacket or pant pockets. I don't know why, but I don't feel any sparks and so I am okay with just being friends with him right more. He's willing to wait as long as it takes for me to move on from the boy drama I'm in right now, and that's also very appealing to me. He's nicer than I deserve!

The only hard part in my life is I am having a hard time getting over Kevin. It doesn't make sense about the connection we had and the almost entire pushing each other out of each other's life. I backed up so Kevin could date other people, but when he found out I was dating other people, it made him upset. Did he expect me to wait until he realized I was right for him all along? I told him I was seeing Sam, but I just couldn't move on until I knew it wouldn't work. And it hasn't worked because we haven't given each other that chance. We've just been using each other. Well I haven't. My heart still beats faster when I think about him, but I think his pride won't allow him to ever return to my arms. So it is a loss in ways, and a blessing in others.

Good thing no one knows this Kevin. That would suck, but really, guys he is amazing. I'm only making him out to be a bad guy because it's easier to move on when you can find ways that he's not right for you. Which took me awhile at first, but he is very against dating now. In fact he says it's "non-negotiable." So that hurt, but life moves on right.

Mission reunion is coming up. That rocks. I can't wait to see my mission daddy! I love President Wadsworth. He's pretty much amazing! It will be great to see some old friends, and a few of my friends are coming down for conference, so it means a couple of dates, a whole bunch of laughing and good times, and no worries in the world! Until then, keep on surfing cause life is good! Cheers!

woes and not so woes

I made a hard life decision on Sunday. I had to say goodbye to the one that has made my heart beat faster for the last three weeks. We had a crazy thing going and he wasn't ready to settle down. And well I'm too jealous of a girl to see it watch it blow up in my face. So there.

Actually ever since then I have been doing much better. Two friends, Ray and Hyrum came over and gave me a blessing that night. They made me write down reasons that my life stunk at that very second. I wrote down about 5 big ones. Then they taught me from the scriptures about Christ and how we should rely on him, trust in him, and turn to him in times of crisis. I have been turning to myself. Why is this not working? What am I do wrong? What does Kevin not like in me? Blah Blah Blah!!!!

Then they asked me how I felt after they taught me the parable of Christ calming the seas. I noticed that instead of feeling antsy, upset, and the burning in my heart that felt like someone was grasping it in not a nice way, I felt free and calm. The last few days have been hard without hearing from him, but as I focus on the Savior instead of me, it relives from the pain I feel from losing him.

Who knows what will happen with him! I don't know if he'll just figure things out one day and it will go back to the way it was supposed to be, or if I'll continue to realize that it is a blessing to be free from someone who never cared enough to stay. Either way, I have a date tonight with someone else and I am doing my part to move on.

On a crazier note, one of my trouble kids refused to participate and doesn't care when he is in trouble. I wanted to scream at him out of frustration, but I hugged him instead. It took him way off guard and even though he probably won't change right away, love is the answer to everything.

Ogden has had a lot of ups and downs. More than I expected, but I also feel like I've grown a whole heap and well good learning just doesn't happen any other way. I love the school I am at! It's challenging at days because it is definitely not the traditional way to teach! That is why it is so amazing! One of my favorite families from the mission are being sealed this weekend and there is no greater feeling than that at this point in my life.

As holidays start rolling towards us, I am realizing how much I want and need my friends in my life. Ogden can be lonely at times and even though I have met great people, I haven't gotten that bond of friends that I really feel I need in my life. So thanks to all of you friends who care about me and keep in touch. Keeping in touch is a gift, I know, but life is so much better with friends surrounding you.

Best and Worst

So here I am again
Back at square one
Where I feel I always am

Two Sundays ago I met the most amazing guy ever. He was just what I was looking for. Nice, friendly, compassionate, cute, and strong in the church. We hung out every day after, he met my parents, who happened to be down for the weekend, and it just felt right in every way. I spent every moment I could with him, which was hard because I was with my parents and trying to get my classroom ready. It would have been murder without them.

There are so many connection moments that Kevin and I had and for once I felt we liked each other equally and that there was a great chance we would date sooner than later. We kissed at the end of the week. So I thought, "Well let's date." He held back because he had just been home only under a month and back in the states only two weeks.

He was going to the mountains that weekend and wanted time to think it out and pray about it. Well to be completely honest, that was one hard weekend without him. I missed him so much! There was another guy that I was kind of interested before I met Kevin and so before I was tormented with having to choose one of them because they were both uniquely awesome. But when Kevin left, I knew that Ray had no chance. Life was dull again and so were my feelings for Ray.

Kevin came back late Sunday night. I was so anxious to see him. He never called. Or came over. I was starting to get nervous. I drove to his house to realize he still wasn't home. He finally called at 11:30 and with a very emotionless voice told me he was fine. He had received an answer but he wanted to tell me in person. He didn't sound excited and when I told him how much I had missed him, he just changed the subject. It was hard on my ego and pride, and that night started a whole week of uneasiness.

The next day I was preparing for my first day of school which was the following day. I was a bunch of nerves. On top of that, I was unsure how Kevin felt and my heart ached for him. I needed him right now. I did not need him to be distant from me right now. He wanted to meet for lunch. We did and I could tell right away it was exactly as I thought it would be. He didn't necessarily tell me he didn't want to date me, but he just saw so many options in front of him that he wasn't ready to settle down. He also encouraged me to go to Institute to meet other guys. I was heartbroken. He had told me he wanted to go out on dates still, but the love I had felt from him last week was nonexistent.

My body did not know how to take that hard blow. It was like a demon erupted inside of me. I screamed in agony inside and still yearned for him to reach out and hold me. I left defeated and cried pretty much the entire night. How could those feelings be changed over a weekend? I knew something was wrong. I told Kevin I needed to see him the next night. He was hesitant, but agreed.

When I came to his house, he was very standoffish. I had just been with Ray and when he had called me back, Ray was talking to me in the background. I think he felt it was an opportunity to get me to back out. "Why don't you date Ray again," he said. I was shocked he could push me off so easily. I asked him could we go for a walk. He didn't want to but finally relented after he saw I needed it more than air. We walked up by the mountain near his house. We just talked. Mostly him about his childhood memories near the mountain. He was so distant, like we had never touched before. He heard a noise and thought it a great reason to go back.

We went back to his downstairs apartment and he was wishing me to go so he could get homework done. I looked up at him and begged for reasons for this new change. he sat me down on the couch and explained that the last two weeks had been really hard on him. He had gotten back into some old habits and would need to meet with a Bishop. I settled down after he told me and felt calmer in ways.

I told him of a problem I struggled with after my mission. I told him I also had gone through the same thing and shared my feelings about how hard it is getting back into the swing of things after mission life. He stared at me for a good minute after I told him my struggle. He reached out and grabbed for the first time that night and just clung to me. He said, "Oh Jenny! That's what I'm struggling with too." From that moment on, the way he felt about me changed completely. He had opened up to me and shared something he felt he could never tell anyone but his mom and bishop.

He expected me to get up, run away, and never look back at a person like him. Actually I do the opposite. I cling harder to the person, be the best support I can be, and try to fill this person with love that they've been lacking. That kind of love-giving can eventually push you away from each other which is what happened after two amazing nights of connection with him. We had gotten too close to messing up on the last night and I ran out the house upset I had let it move so fast. I turned back to him and held him one last time. I whispered, "Please can we never do that again." He stared at me blankly and said, "I promise."

The next day we talked and he told me it would be best not to see or talk to each other anymore. I can't even tell you how I felt after those words. Used, hurt, angry, numb, and so done with life at that moment that nothing seemed to matter anymore. I had already had a rough week at school trying to focus on my job and leave home life at home. I was failing miserably and my students felt when things were not right.

I called him the next day begging him to reconsider. I told him I just couldn't not talk to him and that it hurt too much. He was emotionless as he told me he just wasn't ready. So in a nutshell, these have been my joys and pains for the last two weeks and the roller coaster is never-ending.

I;m sure my readers are thinking, "Gosh Jenny. It's just a guy you've been with for only two weeks." But you see my fine friends, that is not the point. This same process has happened to me over and over and over. First there was Micaiah, Steve, Chad, Trevor, Randy, Robert, and many other disappointing relationships that never even started. I don't know why God keeps me from something that I've wanted for so long. It seems to come easily for some. Some girls marry at 18 and they never struggle with never having someone. I am now 24 and feel like I've struggled for a good 6 years for accepting that I don't need someone to be happy. Obviously I haven't learned enough though and so I am cursed to walk alone once more.

First Day of Forever

So I am a teacher
and today was my first day
and what hit me, I had not planned

The students came in early, way too early, and I'm already having a bad week from relationship hardships. Parents came along. Kids put their materials in an assembly line. What a disaster!!!! I had way too much time in between transitions and I was twiddling my thumbs. How do teachers fill the time?? Who knows? I should give myself more credit. I'm on a first-day first year teacher and no one got hurt. Well a little boy did pop himself in the face with his water bottle and pretty much soaked himself silly. He started crying. but what was sad was that I had already made him cry three hours previous.

The pickup was a disaster. The parents were as unprepared as the teachers. Charter school is such a different concept and even though I chose it over a traditional way of teaching because it's pretty much an amazing concept, I wish I was back to the "Teacher gives instructions- students follow. Now it's a lot of preparation for me and I already had no social life. I guess I am going to die single!!!

I had an amazing week last week with this guy I met, Kevin. He even met my parents when they were down. He's pretty much amazing and I didn't want the week to end. Well it did and it's back to the frustrating dating life I never seem to get right. Won't the right one please stand up and end my misery???

No of course not! It's never that simple. And neither is my school. So I guess in about a month things will settle----hopefully. Until then..enduring to the end!

Yours faithfully
Jenny

Life's hard lessons in Ogden

Life in Ogden has been adventurous to say the least. I feel very unsettle in my uncomfortable apartment. I have learned my lesson with living with people outside of my faith. They do things I've never been okay with. Others may do it with ease, but it has been hard for me. My parents tried to convince me not to, but I had always loved being a missionary and what better way than moving in where you can be an example at all times.

It wasn't cherry pie, that's for sure. But I feel I learned a lesson that couldn't be learned any other way. It's so important for me to surround myself with good influences who live and believe as I do. It's not to say I don't want to be friends and love them, it's just that it is too hard trying to blend the two in the same house. It still continues till the end of the month, so there is more to learn I suppose. I have messed up, of course, but I will never learn if I don't sometimes fall down.

Besides that, I have been getting my new classroom ready. It is an old school that we have moved into for the meantime until our new school is built. It is an exceptionally challenging school to learn as well as teach in. That is why I chose to move here. I never wanted to teach in a traditional school. I wanted a more progressive schooling where there was hands on learning, and inquiry based teaching. It challenges me as well as my students. I'll be teaching 3-5 grades so I shouldn't be bored. At first ;)

To all those who keep asking, I am not currently working on my book. It doesn't mean I won't finish it, but I want to leave it for awhile. I feel I got everything out that needs to be out and now I need to let the feelings stand alone awhile until I'm ready to pick it up again. It was harder than I thought. So instead I am working on a children's book series. It is so fun! If nothing else, they will be amusing stories for my students.

As far as relationships go, I have met someone recently that has a twinkle in their eye for me. I don't know how much so that is all I will say for now. We are getting to know each other VERY SLOW, and I am surprised how calm I am about that! If nothing else, he has been a fun friend to be with. I miss Vegas and the friendships I had there. But on to a new page right??

crazy.....

So here I am in Ogden Utah! Life has begun again. I'm extremely busy again and life is good. Owen, a friend of mine, reminded me when I was deciding where to live that I should not rule out Utah just because of the "weird Mormons" that lived there, and the excessive snow. He encouraged me that this was a great opportunity to start over. No one knew me and it was a fresh start in life. So I went to my interview with eyes half-way shut and realized after many nights on my knees and after talking to anyone that would listen that this is where I was supposed to be.

So I started wrapping up my life in Vegas, a little taking the trash out, and moving to a place where I potentially did not know a single person. It was hard at first, but alot of things fell together, or I should say apart right before I left Vegas. I really found out what true friendship meant and I learned a little about who I am deep, deep inside. And I was truly happy that I had stayed strong through a long summer.

It was great in Ogden. The lady that I work closely with was fabulous and I loved my new condo that I shared with two other girls. Things have recently gotten sticky with the housing and I pretty much will have to find somewhere else to live next month, but it was fun while it lasted....
I met some pretty amazing people right away and life has been a lot more exciting of late.

Today was my first orientation with the new awesome school I'm at. It's top of the line! It's the most progressive school I have found so far and it's exactly the way I like to teach. But yet its challenging enough where I constantly am trying to stretch myself. One day I will be a Master Teacher and life will rock! So there is a little update.

Still no relationships to report on...although I have a date tonight so stay tuned ;)