He's not that into me!

3-15-09

So yesterday I had some bonding time with myself. I went to the mall and just walked as slow as I wanted. I hate going to the mall with a group cause then you have to move at their pace or make them match yours. It's frustrating so I'd rather go alone. Plus I'm not a huge fan of shopping so I have to do it when I actually feel like it or I end up hating it.

I didn't spend any money...which I usually don't unless I'm looking. I was just browsing. The clothes that are made nowadays are so frumpy and....crap! I'm more conservative and not so into the new 60's-70's trend. I'll wait. It will go away like everything else. But I still liked browsing. I wasn't planning on doing this, but I took myself to the movies. I haven't ever gone by myself, but I found that it's actually more pleasant. I am becoming less and less a huge people person. I have my moments...but crowds bring noise, and too much noise is a pet peeve of mine. I'm definitely turning 25 this weekend :)

Anyway, I've been wanting to see the new movie that has come out: "He's Not That Into You." I am so glad I went by myself, because any friends I would have gone with would have pin-pointed some stereotyped character from the movie on me, which they rightly should and could have done. But being by myself, I could pin it on myself and not feel the shame. Only the need for improvement.

The movie is basically about girls and how they flaunt themselves on guys without really knowing if they are interested in them. In turn, girls end up getting crushed hearts and feeling that they have been misunderstood in so many ways...when in fact, the guy was just not into them. And it had nothing to do with how great she actually was for them.

There was a girl in the movie, Gi-Gi, who was primarily the main character. She would throw herself at guys, ask them out, wait anxiously for their calls, try to glimpse their names in conversations, then get terribly distraught when anything and everything fell apart when he didn't return the feelings. She met this guy, Alex, who befriended her and tried to help her see when guys were not interested. (This movie is based off a book I've finally bought.) She in turn, feels like Alex is falling for her because he takes a lot of time up to teach her while she is dating. Then she throws herself passionately at him and he denies any feelings for her. She is hurt, of course, and yells at him for even giving her signals of interest. Then she said something thought provoking that I thought every guy should and will have a realization of one day. She said something to this effect: "I feel sorry for you Alex. I might throw myself out there and embarrass myself and have my heart stomped on by every guy I give it to, but I am closer to finding that one than you are. I am closer to being with someone and you are alone." Then she left and he realized he was an idiot and he really liked her. Again, not something that happens always. Alex called it "special cases" when things actually did happen that were magical, and other cases he called "The rule."

Well I've been the rule ever since I've known I was ready to settle down. I have thrown myself at numerous guys that I've been interested in...and some that I would normally never be interested in. But it won't ever work with those guys. I have to have the right one want me back and possibly even before I realize I like him back. And I have to be shocked and awed at how much he will adore me. Because as of today, the shock and awe has not happened since I was engaged almost 5 years ago.

There were a lot of sad parts to the movie, like when the jackass cheated on his wife, and the disgusting girl was a home wrecker. Or when this other girl called off a 7 year relationship, because her boyfriend would never commit to marriage. But, despite all of the problems I see in wrecked marriages and hurtful relationships, I still believe in love. I believe in the sanctity of a marriage. And I know one day, it will work with someone and I'll be so happy I never settled for the losers I've been dating, or that the other ones who were not appreciative or even recognized me never rose to the occasion to finalize the relationship or gave me the time of day.

I cried of course, and it was the peaceful type of crying where I felt years of sadness shed. I no longer want to be a Gi-Gi because it never works out for her until she has stopped looking. It does make it a lonely time, but I'd rather be lonely and learn how to deal with that, than mending a broken, stepped-on, unwanted heart.

As I left the theater, I noticed all of the couples around me. I noticed the ones holding hands, the ones who looked like they probably were home-wreckers, and the ones that put tons of children in between them. Because I feel like I've waited forever for that special guy, I will never forget how I yearned to be with him. I will never take advantage of that time I have with him. I will appreciate every thought and gesture, every look and every effort he shows me. So many couples take advantage of the time they have together and it eats at their relationship. It comes easily to some, and not so easily to the ones that really want it...and sometimes need it. Those people who actually wait for it, will be ten-times more grateful when they actually do have it, and will cherish it. Again I can't speak for all people, but that's the way I feel.

Life has continued even some more

I went to Baltimore last week and had this amazing National Conference that pushed Expeditionary Learning. It's pretty much the most amazing type of teaching there is out there. It's progressive hands-on learning with an out-bound edge.

I met this awesome girl, Bobbi-Jo. LOL I know what you're thinking and yes she was from North Carolina, but raised in Connecticut. Anyway, we just connected right away on our splice expedition and spent the rest of the week together. It seemed like we knew each other. We talked a lot about the church. It felt refreshing to finally answer some gospel questions that were genuine.

While my colleagues went out at night partying, she and I walked around Baltimore talking and it's the most refreshed I've felt in awhile. I love what I believe. I was looking at some of the entries I've written lately and it seems like I am so...churchy! But I am. It's the best quality I guess that I have. I wonder if it scares certain people away though. Oh well. At the end of the week, I gave her a Book of Mormon I had brought with me and wrote my testimony in it. There is nothing more that could have happened that week that could have lifted my spirits more.

It was good to come back and see my crew...although it was definitely a Monday!

So I think I am not dateable. I've scared so many guys away...and it seems like I like the ones that I can never have. I wonder if it's because I know I really am scared of commitment and I chose the ones I know it wouldn't work with so that it will never happen. But nonetheless, rejection suxs! I am done with that. There are two guys that really like me a lot right now, but I am kind of scared of them. It makes me laugh cause that's what I've been wanting. Right? Guess not!

Oh well...another week. Just trying to figure out where I want to be this summer? Any suggestions?

Gratefulness

So I was sitting in church by Sr. Montgomery today and one of the guys said in their talk...Be grateful for things that you normally wouldn't think of. Sr. Montgomery and I had been whispering back and forth about Trevor and me explaining how restless I was with the progress. She told me I should be grateful for the things that went wrong or things that I thought weren't going fast enough. So here is a list of things so far I'm....grateful for.

I'm grateful/thankful

• Trevor doesn't want to date yet...because it's teaching me patience and we are keeping the physical part of the relationship out of it.


• He hasn't tried to kiss me in over a month. It would have definietly made me like him more than I already do...and emotions really screw me up!


• I'm thankful that he doesn't call me all the time...and that he takes his time in returning texts back to me. It teaches me patience, and I have learned to do other things in the meantime. I don't need to constantly wait by my phone. That's a really bad habit of mine!


• I'm grateful he is so busy and that he doesn't have enough time to spend more than one day a week with me. IT would overload me with how much I would like him. I would want to see him even more even if he upped our time together by one day.


• I'm thankful he was an hour late when he showed up to the dance. By that time I was extra excited to see him and hold him and it taught me that he was really cute when he apologizes sincerely. I hope he learned that I don't want to waste time being mad at him but that every minute we spend together should be fun and uplifting.


• I am glad that he flirted with the girls at bowling. He likes girls...that is a good thing. And he showed his compassion...Jessica had a bad date and was ignoring her....and Ryanna didn't have a date so he was being realy sweet to her.


• I am grateful our dance class ends this Saturday because then I can really find out if he was into me because he needed a dance partner...or if he was really interested.

Ok I am sure there is more....But I will just save them for my prayers.

My faith..........

I avoid the teacher's lounge. Especially of some teachers. I've never liked to get into teacher gossip unless I am really struggling with a student and need to vent or ask for suggestions. I would rather eat with my students. Sometimes they are more interesting to talk to :)

Today was especially bad. I am and have been feeling the most negative vibes from one of my colleagues. She is not LDS and made sure to let us know that right away. She is very open about how much she thinks the LDS are too prominent here in Utah. I agree to a point, although I believe that her coming from the bible belt gives her no reasons to spit at someone over-doing it on what they believe.

So I listen to my peers talk about how the Mormons run the show here in Utah. I don't really add anything unless one of their opinions is completely wrong about what I believe. This one teacher is very opinionated in many aspects. She has somehow gained the respect of the other teachers despite what she has said that would have naturally offended someone who was remotely religious. The rest of the teachers are inactive members of my faith and it is discouraging to see their beliefs and faith melt away with her disagreements. The only peer I have who is active allows such talk around her and doesn't even attempt to stand up for their ridiculous claims. It is discouraging to me that these people grew up where the church was strong. They probably never had a class where there wasn't at least one LDS peer with them. I guess that can be seen in two ways: Too overwhelming or just enough support.

Growing up in Georgia, I had to defend myself multiple times on what I believed. Sometimes it was a matter of whether I could be friends with them or not. I truly found my friends by standing for what I believed...and I was crucified in high school for having morals. I hated high school and still have bitter memories of those years. People in the south are brutal to someone who believes differently than they do. And if they don't bother you for that, they bother you for the fact that you can't even bend the rules on exceptions. "You're too good Jenny." It didn't bother me after awhile because more than anything, I know what I believe.

I never have doubted. In fact, I may have had struggles with some of the doctrine, but I never let that wedge my faith. I feel peaceful inside when I have trusted in the Lord during those times, and within days or weeks of feeling those struggles, it was all smoothed out and my faith became firmer. There is nothing in this world that means more to me than my faith in God and His son Jesus Christ. I will not downplay those feelings, I will not joke lightly about Christ's Gospel or my relationship with them, and I will not allow myself to stand by and watch ignorant people rip something apart that they obviously haven't felt. Knowledge and answers from Heavenly Father are available to the sincere and truly penitent. It is worth that sacrifice. Sometimes, I'll admit, I am not as vibrant in those convictions, but never will I waver, and never will my faith fail. I will continue to feed it until I am called back to live with them again. And I will rest....but for now....there is work to do!

New Favorite Scripture

For obvious reasons, only to close friends who know my impatience in certain areas of my life, this scripture was amazing to find today:

Luke 20:19

"In patience, possess ye your souls." The footnote for possess is: preserve, win mastery
Can I get a woot woot! That is pretty much my love life times 70!

In dating, I am so quick to be the one to initiate everything. First to call, first to text, first to ask to hang out, next to call, next to text, next to ask a 2nd date. I actually don't like doing this no matter how much I actually DO do it. Recently I have met a friend...who has taught me more patience in a month than I have learned in a year. I want to be patient. I have actually prayed to be more patient lately...before I met him. So I wonder if that is the reason he is in my life now. I always jump the gun. It's my sparky personality...or maybe it's my insecure side that needs that protection of commitment. I know I will regret ruining any part of what's going on with our friendship. I am being more careful than ever...even though it's probably not apparent to him. He really has no idea how much I do actually hold back. I almost scared him away once....with how forward I was. Lol....it makes me laugh thinking about it! Luckily I sensed that and was smart to back up. Now the challenge of continuing to go days without hearing from him and hours without thinking about him. It's so easy during the week. I'm busy...not as busy as he is...but still busy enough where he doesn't drench my thoughts.

Gosh I hope he doesn't read this. He's been so observant lately...lol! Isn't that what I wanted?? Now I am realizing I might not be perfect enough for him. I wish I could find some kind of flaw with him...yet he seems to be the most wonderful person in my life currently other than a obvious few...and I have alot of those.

Sometimes I feel like it might not work because he is too good for me. But then I have a spiritual-reality check and realize that I am just as worthy of an opponent. In fact, I'm pretty top notch. I really don't have alot to offer as far as beauty, even though I think I'm beautiful in a different way. I love myself and sometimes even crack myself up ;) Good thing we all have one "hottest fan." I'm really not that good at any sports, I can't sing particularly well although I can dance and lead someone around the dance floor. I can't play a musical instrument and I forget people's names. I don't even know what my favorite song or movie is because my brain can't remember them!

But I do have something to offer that is pure and dependable. I know without a doubt what I believe is true...and I will remain faithful forever. I can count on two hands how many times I've missed church in my whole life...and that is not to brag or say that's the thing that makes me religious. Going to church makes me whole. I have an amazing relationship with my Heavenly Father. He is my Father and I know he loves me. I've always felt that...and never wavered in my faith. I might have struggled with a few temptations along the journey, but I have never doubted. I know what I believe! If this friend of mine is looking for someone who is worthy, will remain faithful, and who loves the Lord, then I am the girl he is looking for. Tht would scare him if he read that! (he is fearful of marriage, well who isn't?) If that is not high on his priority list, I should probably find that out soon. :) He doesn't strike me as someone who would not want that. He is being careful....for his benefit which has actually really helped me just enjoy him and understand him so much more. To my few faithful readers, :) this guy is amazing and even though we're only friends so far, he is the one I am interested in. So stop asking me :) I haven't given up on love despite how hard it's been. Each person has led me to what I feel is the next best thing. "The Broken Road" by Rascall Flatts...okay that's one of my favorite songs.....that is my theme in dating.

Anyway...just a few random personal thoughts lately.

memories....

I found this quote in a talk by Pres. Thomas S. Monson and it describes exactly the way I feel about my life right now.

"God gave us memories, that we might have June roses in the December of our lives." James Barries

I thought was unique to the way I feel now. The last 6 months have been remarkably hard for me. I changed so much about me. I moved to a new state where I knew no one. I took on a career that is never-ending, draining, and time consuming. It effects me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have dated boys that have drained me spiritually and mentally. I have discovered things about my family that would have made bananas peel themselves....it's just been a rough few months. But I have so much to be grateful for right now. At a time when it has all come down, I am so proud of myself for not giving in or up.

I have made a few choice friends where I value their friendship almost as much as I need my family. They have truly been there through happy and sad times. I've learned that my parents are human and with that comes faults of their own. It is a sign and step of maturity to realize and not let that stand in the way of our relationship.

And truly...my memories are what is getting me through the dark and dreary times. It does not good to dwell on the hurtful and sad memories of the past, but there is a great deal of happiness when I look back to the good ones. I have decided to make a quilt. A t-shirt quilt. When I was home for break, I realized I had over 30 t-shirts. Random dance, 4-H, choir, school-related, and Florida shirts. I didn't want to part with them, but I have just as much stuff at my parents house that I do in my apartment in Ogden. So I decided to rip them up and to make a quilt out of them. I don't like to sew, so this ought to be fun ;)

More than ever I am relying on my testimony of Jesus Christ. I have unintentionally blamed God for the failures and disappointments of the last few months. Quite the opposite, they are the only ones who held me while I cried, and sent that bit of piece in troubling and uncertain times. I have been blessed beyond measure in my move to Ogden and I finally feel like...this is the place!

My New Year's Resoultions 2009

So I really have alot of things I need to work on this year! I did extremely well the first three months and then just dropped off my rocker.

I started to see a downward slope when I stopped doing the every day things: writing in my journal, not reading scriptures like I should, being lax on the way I converse with people, and prayers.

I made alot of "friends" that just wanted to make out with me and that just lowered all the expectations for myself. And I started cussing every once in awhile---especially with Jeremy!

So here are some things I want to work on:

• Definitely want to limit the pop music I listen to. I love it because I can dance easily to it, but it's so degrading and it wears on my mood.


• I want to continue to take the St. John's Wart, counseling. and write in the weekly journal. But this time I'll flip the journal over and do it backwards because the front ones have already been done.


• I want to take better care of myself...aka exercise. I'm going to sign up at the Weber College gym. It is not great I am sure, but it's local and I live close enough to it.


• For my Jesus present this year, I put that I want to get my MRS. I have not put that ever on my goals because I was so scared it wouldn't happen. But I really want that...so I am going to be more of a rabbit this year! That means letting the guys call me, ask me out, and become interested in me. That also means that I can't give them too much at one time, save those cuddling moments only for people that I date, and to bounce back easily when I am rejected.


• My poor students....sometimes I just don't have enough energy. I just can't give enough to them. I try and try to work on lessons but I am just not motivated enough. So I am going to set aside....Wednesday to plan my lessons. I am going to work on it until I am blue in the face. My students deserve to have their class prepared.


• Spiritual goals are by far the more important goals for me this year: I need to attend the temple on a regular scheduled school week at least once a week, and at least once every two weeks when I am still in driving distance of 30 minutes. Summertime seemed to be busy so at least once a month for those summer months. Scripture STUDY is a must. Some days are great and sometimes I have to force myself to read one chapter. I hate that I'm not dedicated all the time. Then my prayers need extra work. Because my schedule is getting permanent, I should be getting better at morning prayers...but yet it is something I've always struggled with. So I want to work on that. And my night prayers need to be full of more gratitude. I definitely need to be more supportive of my dad as he is struggling with his own spiritual progress. I want to be more supportive to my mother and brothers as well. We all are having our own spiritual battles and I should not make it harder on them.

SO now for the fun ones!

• Snowboarding/skiing for the first time


• EFY counselor this summer


• Write more on my book...take time off when needed


• Continue with my children book series


• Keep dancing..at least once a month


• Want to travel internationally (Definitely Germany)


• Work on my motivational talks


• This might be impossible, but I've always wanted to learn to play the piano.

Ok that is it for now. I always get my craziest ideas in the middle of the year so I am sure this list will continue to be updated. Which is good...it means I am constanly working on my goals.