incapable of love

I know now what is happening. I have prayed and cried, prayed, and read, prayed and cried and repeated the process atleast ten times with a few sprinkles of temple and church worship. I've talked to tons of people about it. And I have come to a conclusion that feels right in my heart.

I am right for Kevin. So right. He is the one that is not right for me. He will find it hard to find someone that can love him and care for him as much as I do. He has things in his past, that many girls will find hard to accept. And I do accpet that part of him and love him all the more because he has struggled. When you get the love of a southern belle, there is nothing quite as faithful as that type of love. And he has it.

But the problem is, if I were to walk into that relationship, only he would be complete in one way. Because of his choices. He chooses not to love me or get attached to me right now for whatever reasons. I would definitely get the sour end of the deal. I would not be complete in every way possible. He could change that by giving me the chance and love I deserve, but in any other way, Heavenly Father refuses to let it work. I am entitled to so much more love. He also would not feel completed because he doesn't love me. He needs more than just my love. He needs to need and want the girl back.

And so....there is nothing I can do. It is impossible to be friends with him right now. He has hurt me so deeply in so many ways and has lost my faith and trust in him completely. I am sorry to say that he could probably win that back with alot of patience of endurance because I truly love him. It is a curse right now to be in love with such an ignorant and noncommital person. He cares only for himself at this point and there is nothing to be done except to accept and move on.

I am worth so much more than this pain. I deserve so much more. He is an ass for not realizing that I have needs just as he does. He could have been so much more sensitive of my feelings. But he wasn't and he won't at this point. He can't see that anything is wrong with him. But there is. And that makes me want him that much more. But I just can't. I will force myself to move one foot in front of the other.

Give me a few months. I'll move on. I will find the right one for me. It might take eternity, but I would rather have that than a wishy-washy guy who can't realize what he has.

Recognizing blessings- 10/8/08

I am having a hard time recognizing my blessings. I am having a hard time with Kevin and boys in general and I just can't keep seem to feel God's love. I know He is there, but I can't see how His hand is in my life.

10-08-08

• I have a temple right down the street that I am able to go to.
• I have an amazing daddy.
• My director and collegues are supportive to me.
• Some of my students make my heart melt.
• Shayler tells me things the way they are!

bad day...

Hard day.
Parent yelled at me.
Kevin and I broke things off for yet a third time within only 1 month and a half of knowing each other.
Heartless.
Broken.
Hurt.
Friends is not even an option right now.

Love my Institute teacher.
Love Jeremy. Wish we could repeat Sunday. He kisses the best out of anyone I know.
He'll love that comment.
Non-committals...they are like the feign of the eternal pit and should be shot.
I miss my daddy.
Crying is getting old.
When does it end?

wishy-washy

And yesterday he was wishy-washy. He can't decide if it was a prompting to just be my friend or if he should date me. I am not going to stay and wait till he figures it out. I am going to date other people. I don't like the fact that he acts one way and does another. It makes a southern girl really upset that she is not worth his commitment level. He wants to date for maybe even a year without so much as an inch of commitment. Is he yoiks? He is not ready for me. That is all there is to say about that. Obviously he doesn't know me that well, because doing that kind of thing is just not me. He will have to live his life without me. I just hope he never looks back at his life and realize that he made the dumbest mistake by letting me go. Cause this time....when I leave, I'm gone forever. I can't be put into this heart-breaking scenario over and over and over. I am worth more than that.

whole again

So this week was General Conference for our church. It is when the Apostles and Prophet speaks to the church as a collective group. It is an amazing time of receiving answers, counsel, and making changes. That is exactly what happened. The week kicked off with my mission reunion. It was the hardest thing to walk up to Pres and Sr. Wadsworth without someone to introduce them to. It was great to see some of my old companions and friends from the mission.

I stayed with friends from Georgia and watched conference with them. There were a lot of good talks and lots of counsel given. I have much to improve on and much to be grateful for.

It was painfully hard for me when Kevin called just to say hello. He had already done it three times this week. He had been to the priesthood conference and he said that things were different and he needed to talk. I was freaking out. I had just poured my whole soul to him on Wednesday of how I am not doing well without him, I miss him terrible, and I just didn't feel whole. He didn't say anything back and I had just planned moving on and accepting that we would probably never be together ever again.

I started thinking about the opposite side now and trying not to get my hopes up while also trying to be so happy that I could burst. It was hard sleeping on the days he called. But last night was just ridiculous. I just imagined every possible scenario that could happen when we planned to meet the next day and he would tell me everything.

So the next day rolled by....very slowly. I didn't see Kevin until 6:30 that night. He was waiting for me in the church parking lot when I drove up. He hugged me with the "I missed you" hug and I knew everything would be alright. He sat me down on the grass. He had his journal with him and started telling me about the priesthood conference. He told me that he was really focused when all of a sudden I popped into his mind. He wrote my name down and underneath wrote, "feel different about her." I don't know what else he said after that cause I was already in la la land by now. He pictured himself marrying me, but then he only thought of three reasons why: physical connection, socially capable, and worthy. He needed to see me in many types of situations. So we needed to date.

Then the cutest thing happened. He took me in his arms and whispered in my ear, "So will you forgive me and take me back." I looked up his beautiful green eyes and just got lost. I stared for awhile and he shifted uncomfortably and asked again. I smiled and almost laughingly said, "Yes!" From that moment on we laughed and held each other and I haven't been so content since the moment he has left my arms. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that the future without Kevin looks very bleak to me and I don't want to be without him as long as I have a say! He is my heart!

lost friends...

So my weekend was crazy in Idaho. It was so fun to drive back with Ang. We got there at about 7 and went on a triple date with someone from my mission. Dennis. He's a riot and we had a lot of fun minus a few misunderstandings.

I went to the Latin dance and I almost cried cause my favorite dance partner, Reef, was not there. Actually a lot of my friends were gone and I realized that my life is slipping in and out of other people's lives so quickly that it sometimes leaves me feeling empty.

Looking back on school years, I would have best friends. Ashley and Lynsey were my best friends who lived next door and we were pretty much tight until high school slammed us into different paths. I had a few others: Arlene, Jenna, Kellie, Miguel, Seth, Leander, etc etc. Where are they today? Far away! Some of them I have no idea what they are doing. Why is that we make and lose friends. Why can't friends be friends forever? People have the commitment level of a teaspoon these days and I am feeling that especially lately in the friendship department.

Ok I am done venting. So the rest of the weekend kind of dragged because I realized my friends weren't in Idaho anymore and that my life was completely separated from theirs. Sad in some ways, but I guess I am lucky I've been able to have so many friends in my life. I just wonder how consistent the relationship really was. Was it out of convenience? Who knows? But I do miss my friends. I am one to keep up with people for years, but it is hard when that notion is not returned. So to all my old and new friends, I love and miss you wherever you are! ;)

I miss K. On Sunday night I was calling him and every time I dialed his number it said the line was busy. I got so frustrated. I thought, "Well maybe he blocked me from his phone." Then I just fumed a little. This is all at about 10:30 when I am supposed to be having sweet dreams. After ten minutes of pouting, he calls. It had been two weeks. I miss his voice. I miss his eyes. I miss his touch. I miss his laugh. I miss his red face. I miss K! Dreadfully! I started shaking when I was talking to him and it took me about an hour after he called to calm down. We only talked twenty minutes, but other than the sometimes violent shake, I haven't felt so peaceful in awhile. I miss him. There is just no denying that I love that boy!

reminders....

I've had a few reminders of a certain person and each time I get them it makes my heart twinge for him.

• I was on a date, and the star in the movie were watching looked exactly like him, and had his same name. We'll call him K. That was hard to listen to the whole movie cause I just thought about it the whole night.
• Then I went another date with this guy. We'll call him S. We went to the same restaurant K and I had been to with my parents. We sat in the same booth on the same side. Except S was in K's spot and I was unhappy to see that he was not as handsome as K was. And he ate onions, which K had avoided because he knew I hated the smell. Either that or he wanted kisses later, which he got!
• I was cleaning my room, and I saw a little piece of trash behind my bed. It was a sticker of some sort so I almost threw it away without glancing at it. It was K's name on the sticker. It must have fell off of him the night we had our strong connection. Sucky to remember it right before I had to go face the world.

These simple and disturbing reminders ask me what in hades name am I doing without this boy in my life. Yet then I remember that K was not ready to settle down and so I was backing up to let him breathe. But ever since he's been gone, I have hard a hard time breathing without him.