First Date with Fred

Fred led me through the obstacles in his room until we cleared a space for his bed.  He had video games, magazines, music, and movies everywhere. I was hoping that this didn’t mean we’d have to sit close.  Wrong!

       He had only a twin bed to sit on and so we were cheek to cheek.  He started the movie, and moved even closer, if that was even possible.  Luckily, this was a pretty powerful movie that I was able to enjoy.  But dog-gone-it…if he didn’t put his arm around me halfway through the movie and start rubbing my back.  A good back-rub is hard to resist!

       So I let him.  A few minutes later, he slid his hand into mine, and I felt the queasiness kick in.  He had a wart on his hand.  I know warts can be cured, but the rough, bumpy texture of it just made me cringe.  Luckily the date was coming to an end and he dropped me off at my house.  Well I had fulfilled my one-date quota and I made a special point to never go out with him again. 

March 23, 2009

Well I am doing a lot better than I was.

Fred and I are doing better. I have been praying that I would have more love for him. It has been working. I have been feeling a lot of love for Fred. It feels good again. I feel in love again. I don't know what happened to stop that feeling but I am glad it is back.

Fred also got offered a job to be a lab technician at Lenscrafter. I hope he does well and that he is able to keep up with his school work. I am on him all the time and tonight for FHE we talked about being patient with each to keep our marriage strong. We actually have done well at having FHE, prayer, and scripture study. We seem to be good at the routine stuff but when a little thing happens, I get irritated, angry, or we both get sad or upset. So we need to work on the little behaviors that will help our relationship.

So maybe I should spend some time on working on myself. Actually I was also praying that I could find myself again and develop some of my talents. That same night an idea for a motivational talk popped in my head and I couldn't go to sleep. So i finally got my journal and wrote it down. It didn't sound as great when I was writing it down but maybe it will come in handy some day.

Also at church there is a man that teaches classes at the Kid's club and he has been wanting someone to teach some line dancing or some other dance classes. Then they found out at the ward that I can teach dance in Relief Society and I could possibly teach it at one of the Enrichment activities. It would great to be able to dance on a regular basis. It has been great teaching the youth how to dance.

School is hard some days and other days I feel like I am doing OK> I guess I need to have bad days to enjoy the good ones.

Beginning of my married life!

March 14, 2010
It's obviously been four months since I have been hitched now, but its better to start than now never. It's been an interesting trip so far. I actually have had more struggles than I would have hoped for. Fred is a very social and energetic guy. I am an energertic and social girl, or so I thought. I feel I am getting more and more away from the social side of me which makes me sad. I am constantly praying that I can find myself again. I guess I have kind of lost myself within Fred.

The things that bothered me about Fred have magnified, like the fact that he doesn't have a job, struggling with school, and plays video games too much are some of the biggest concerns I have. He is very supportive of me although and who am I to boss him around. he is an adult, but yet sometimes I pray he will grow out of the habits he has.

School was hard to balance with at first. I just wanted to go home and be with Fred all the time. We became very secluded people and after a month or two he wanted to start having friends over and going out. I guess I just like to have just him around because when others come around he dominates alot of the conversation. He's a talker alright. I have trouble getting him to not talk about himself. We had a few arguments about that, but then again that shows how selfish and self-centered I was. He usually starts all the conversation and he must not like any silence because if its quiet for too long he'll make up for the lost time.

It was also hard to come home after a long day and see him playing games on the couch. I was tired and had worked hard and all I would expect from another half is to work equally as hard. So that's another struggle.

That losing myself feeling is the hardest part of this. I am grateful I was given an assignment to teach the Youth a Hoedown dance for the July Celebration. I miss dancing. I miss the time I had to scrapbook and I would pobably do these things more but I am terribly tired when I get home and Fred will just play video games if I do it. I guess I shouldn't try to stop it. It's inevitable. I hate them. It wouldn't be so bad but he has violent and suggestive ones. He struggles with shows that have heavy sexual content and I struggle with anything that has violence. I am just worried it will filter into my childrens' lives.

I haven't been doing anything that would develop my talents lately and I just feel lousy. I have so many plans to change the world and I feel like I go to work, sometimes make dinner, watch Heroes or some other meaningless show, and go to bed. Then repeat. Meaningless. I have so many dreams to affect youth across the world through motivational speaking or dancing. I want to be a dance teacher. I want to serve and do missionary work. I guess I am just not being patient with myself.

May 30th

I finally moved out of the apartment I've been living in for the last little while. All my stuff is in storage (With Fred's stuff). So this is all important because it's one step closer to being with Fred, my heart.

I"m closing off the school year and I am officially done next Friday. It's been a long, hard, but wonderful first year of teaching. I definitely have learned so much and have so much room for improvement. I want to be better for next year, but for right now....I just need break.

I am leaving for Houston next Friday to be with Fred for most of the summer, minus the week I have conference, the week I'll be in Massachusetts. :) I"m excited for that!!!

Ya...I have so much in my life that has changed for the better. I am happy, I have a good job, and the love of my life makes me happier than I've ever been. We're looking for a deeper commitment when he comes back in September, but we're just going to enjoy dating this summer! I"ll keep you updated!

Loving life....

So here's an update to my faithful readers:

Sorry I've been a little...busy as of late and haven't had the time to sit down and collect my thoughts. So here's an update for those who are on the edge of their seat about my life :)

I met a guy on Valentines Day and we both wanted to know more about each other. It started off simply...just hanging out a couple of times a week. Then I went to Idaho and when I came back I realized I liked him more than just a few times a week worth. But I still wasn't excited about dating him...because he's kind of...a geek :)

So we went slowly, but then I realized all of a sudden that he would be living for Texas in a short time to do the Apex Alarm thing and our time was very limited. So we started upping the time we spent together and it seemed we were inseparable that last week he was here. My trust in him got stronger as I got to know him more and more. The more I spent with him, the more I wanted to keep spending my time with him.

My favorite thing about him...oh his name is Fred, is that he is so respectful of me. In so many ways he has SHOWN me how he cares for me and it has spoken volumes to me. I was really sad to see him leave a few days ago. In fact I spent a great deal of my time crying that day! I was not happy he was gone, but I am able to stand back and breathe. It's so easy to get caught in the moment and enjoy it, but I honestly have so much to learn about him still.

When I went to Baltimore for a week last month we talked on the phone a lot and that's when I really started liking him, so I am kind of excited of the time we have apart, although there is no way that I could keep it up for too long. It's not in my nature to date long distance. I've tried and I become to lonely or read messages wrong, or I feel abandoned after a day of not talking. I know...I am needy. But I give as much as I want in return...and if he is not sick of it by now...he must like it, be like that also, or he must be crazy! Either way, life has turned for the better and I've had a lot of happy times lately. It's possible I'm moving closer to him in Texas while he is there for a few months, but it seems like forever before school lets out.

School, by the way, is doing okay, but there is always so much to do, and never enough energy at the end of a teaching day to prepare it all. I guess being a new teacher has its ups and downs and I am just feeling a few of the downs of preparation. I'm SOOOO excited for the beach which is coming up in almost one month. I am excited to rest, get away from regular life, see my family, and turn into a sexican for a few months.

Well....that is me in a bit of time. Cheers!

Thoughts about Fred

4-19-09

I've been dating Fred, although he just left for Houston for 4 1/2 months and we are on hold for now. I was really torn up when he left and I realized how much I really liked him.

So I was at the temple today with my ward and I was sitting with Sr. Montgomery. I had an okay day, but I was really missing Fred. He was on his way to Memphis to help set up their office. He had only been gone two days. I was thinking about him alot when we were eating dinner because the stake president was sitting across from me and we were talking about dating. He told me that his talk for stake conference was going to be about dating and we started giving him all kinds of advice that he will probably bring up on Sunday. I was talking about Fred of course and how even though he was obsessed with his computer and technology stuff, he hadn't let it come between us. I asked the stake president if it was okay to be dating someone that wasn't temple worthy currently but was working on it. He said it depended on the situation and that I'd have to judge it for myself.

So on top of all that, when I went into the Endowment room I was praying for what I should be doing. I am kind of scared to ask if he would be the right one, but I do ask if he would make a good father, should I continue dating him, etc. Then during the session, Sr. Montgomery leaned over and told me she had thought alot about the questions I had asked her on Sunday. I had asked her how she knew her husband was the right one for her. She had told me she had known right away that he was right for her. BUt when he finally proposed he told her that he didnt think there was one right person for each other. He said, "When there's a will, there's a way." If two people have the will to be together and they both put in their all, then it will work. I thought alot about that. I didnt like him a ton in the beginning but he kind of just grew on me.

I was thinking about how I ad thought he was such a geek in the beginning and that over time he had really grown on me. Then I started thinking about that time a few months ago that I started thinking that I would rather marry a dork than marry a cute ridiculous man who cared nothing about the things I cared for. I started thinking of a new motivational talk I could give: It's ok to be a dork. Then I started thinking about Sydeny White (the movie) and how that would tie in perfectly.

The last thing I was thinking about was smashing cake in Fred's face and saying, "I'm just practicing for later." I did that at Meischa's house when my dad was down for my birthday. I really said it as a joke and then we started joking around at being married. We still do it but I was thinking about that in the temple, and then I pictured us standing outside of the temple in wedding gear taking our pictures on the grounds. Weird. I don't know if we're ready for that step and I am not positive he is the one yet.  But he could be.

When I was leaving the temple I checked my messages and he had left me one that said, "Say hi to the Lord for me." I wrote him back and said, "Lord said if you haven't seen her in white, you're missing out." He wrote back and said, "Haha, I won't miss out forever." I thought that was cute and a perfect way to end my temple experience. :)

He's not that into me!

3-15-09

So yesterday I had some bonding time with myself. I went to the mall and just walked as slow as I wanted. I hate going to the mall with a group cause then you have to move at their pace or make them match yours. It's frustrating so I'd rather go alone. Plus I'm not a huge fan of shopping so I have to do it when I actually feel like it or I end up hating it.

I didn't spend any money...which I usually don't unless I'm looking. I was just browsing. The clothes that are made nowadays are so frumpy and....crap! I'm more conservative and not so into the new 60's-70's trend. I'll wait. It will go away like everything else. But I still liked browsing. I wasn't planning on doing this, but I took myself to the movies. I haven't ever gone by myself, but I found that it's actually more pleasant. I am becoming less and less a huge people person. I have my moments...but crowds bring noise, and too much noise is a pet peeve of mine. I'm definitely turning 25 this weekend :)

Anyway, I've been wanting to see the new movie that has come out: "He's Not That Into You." I am so glad I went by myself, because any friends I would have gone with would have pin-pointed some stereotyped character from the movie on me, which they rightly should and could have done. But being by myself, I could pin it on myself and not feel the shame. Only the need for improvement.

The movie is basically about girls and how they flaunt themselves on guys without really knowing if they are interested in them. In turn, girls end up getting crushed hearts and feeling that they have been misunderstood in so many ways...when in fact, the guy was just not into them. And it had nothing to do with how great she actually was for them.

There was a girl in the movie, Gi-Gi, who was primarily the main character. She would throw herself at guys, ask them out, wait anxiously for their calls, try to glimpse their names in conversations, then get terribly distraught when anything and everything fell apart when he didn't return the feelings. She met this guy, Alex, who befriended her and tried to help her see when guys were not interested. (This movie is based off a book I've finally bought.) She in turn, feels like Alex is falling for her because he takes a lot of time up to teach her while she is dating. Then she throws herself passionately at him and he denies any feelings for her. She is hurt, of course, and yells at him for even giving her signals of interest. Then she said something thought provoking that I thought every guy should and will have a realization of one day. She said something to this effect: "I feel sorry for you Alex. I might throw myself out there and embarrass myself and have my heart stomped on by every guy I give it to, but I am closer to finding that one than you are. I am closer to being with someone and you are alone." Then she left and he realized he was an idiot and he really liked her. Again, not something that happens always. Alex called it "special cases" when things actually did happen that were magical, and other cases he called "The rule."

Well I've been the rule ever since I've known I was ready to settle down. I have thrown myself at numerous guys that I've been interested in...and some that I would normally never be interested in. But it won't ever work with those guys. I have to have the right one want me back and possibly even before I realize I like him back. And I have to be shocked and awed at how much he will adore me. Because as of today, the shock and awe has not happened since I was engaged almost 5 years ago.

There were a lot of sad parts to the movie, like when the jackass cheated on his wife, and the disgusting girl was a home wrecker. Or when this other girl called off a 7 year relationship, because her boyfriend would never commit to marriage. But, despite all of the problems I see in wrecked marriages and hurtful relationships, I still believe in love. I believe in the sanctity of a marriage. And I know one day, it will work with someone and I'll be so happy I never settled for the losers I've been dating, or that the other ones who were not appreciative or even recognized me never rose to the occasion to finalize the relationship or gave me the time of day.

I cried of course, and it was the peaceful type of crying where I felt years of sadness shed. I no longer want to be a Gi-Gi because it never works out for her until she has stopped looking. It does make it a lonely time, but I'd rather be lonely and learn how to deal with that, than mending a broken, stepped-on, unwanted heart.

As I left the theater, I noticed all of the couples around me. I noticed the ones holding hands, the ones who looked like they probably were home-wreckers, and the ones that put tons of children in between them. Because I feel like I've waited forever for that special guy, I will never forget how I yearned to be with him. I will never take advantage of that time I have with him. I will appreciate every thought and gesture, every look and every effort he shows me. So many couples take advantage of the time they have together and it eats at their relationship. It comes easily to some, and not so easily to the ones that really want it...and sometimes need it. Those people who actually wait for it, will be ten-times more grateful when they actually do have it, and will cherish it. Again I can't speak for all people, but that's the way I feel.