I finally moved out of the apartment I've been living in for the last little while. All my stuff is in storage (With Fred's stuff). So this is all important because it's one step closer to being with Fred, my heart.
I"m closing off the school year and I am officially done next Friday. It's been a long, hard, but wonderful first year of teaching. I definitely have learned so much and have so much room for improvement. I want to be better for next year, but for right now....I just need break.
I am leaving for Houston next Friday to be with Fred for most of the summer, minus the week I have conference, the week I'll be in Massachusetts. :) I"m excited for that!!!
Ya...I have so much in my life that has changed for the better. I am happy, I have a good job, and the love of my life makes me happier than I've ever been. We're looking for a deeper commitment when he comes back in September, but we're just going to enjoy dating this summer! I"ll keep you updated!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Loving life....
So here's an update to my faithful readers:
Sorry I've been a little...busy as of late and haven't had the time to sit down and collect my thoughts. So here's an update for those who are on the edge of their seat about my life :)
I met a guy on Valentines Day and we both wanted to know more about each other. It started off simply...just hanging out a couple of times a week. Then I went to Idaho and when I came back I realized I liked him more than just a few times a week worth. But I still wasn't excited about dating him...because he's kind of...a geek :)
So we went slowly, but then I realized all of a sudden that he would be living for Texas in a short time to do the Apex Alarm thing and our time was very limited. So we started upping the time we spent together and it seemed we were inseparable that last week he was here. My trust in him got stronger as I got to know him more and more. The more I spent with him, the more I wanted to keep spending my time with him.
My favorite thing about him...oh his name is Fred, is that he is so respectful of me. In so many ways he has SHOWN me how he cares for me and it has spoken volumes to me. I was really sad to see him leave a few days ago. In fact I spent a great deal of my time crying that day! I was not happy he was gone, but I am able to stand back and breathe. It's so easy to get caught in the moment and enjoy it, but I honestly have so much to learn about him still.
When I went to Baltimore for a week last month we talked on the phone a lot and that's when I really started liking him, so I am kind of excited of the time we have apart, although there is no way that I could keep it up for too long. It's not in my nature to date long distance. I've tried and I become to lonely or read messages wrong, or I feel abandoned after a day of not talking. I know...I am needy. But I give as much as I want in return...and if he is not sick of it by now...he must like it, be like that also, or he must be crazy! Either way, life has turned for the better and I've had a lot of happy times lately. It's possible I'm moving closer to him in Texas while he is there for a few months, but it seems like forever before school lets out.
School, by the way, is doing okay, but there is always so much to do, and never enough energy at the end of a teaching day to prepare it all. I guess being a new teacher has its ups and downs and I am just feeling a few of the downs of preparation. I'm SOOOO excited for the beach which is coming up in almost one month. I am excited to rest, get away from regular life, see my family, and turn into a sexican for a few months.
Well....that is me in a bit of time. Cheers!
Sorry I've been a little...busy as of late and haven't had the time to sit down and collect my thoughts. So here's an update for those who are on the edge of their seat about my life :)
I met a guy on Valentines Day and we both wanted to know more about each other. It started off simply...just hanging out a couple of times a week. Then I went to Idaho and when I came back I realized I liked him more than just a few times a week worth. But I still wasn't excited about dating him...because he's kind of...a geek :)
So we went slowly, but then I realized all of a sudden that he would be living for Texas in a short time to do the Apex Alarm thing and our time was very limited. So we started upping the time we spent together and it seemed we were inseparable that last week he was here. My trust in him got stronger as I got to know him more and more. The more I spent with him, the more I wanted to keep spending my time with him.
My favorite thing about him...oh his name is Fred, is that he is so respectful of me. In so many ways he has SHOWN me how he cares for me and it has spoken volumes to me. I was really sad to see him leave a few days ago. In fact I spent a great deal of my time crying that day! I was not happy he was gone, but I am able to stand back and breathe. It's so easy to get caught in the moment and enjoy it, but I honestly have so much to learn about him still.
When I went to Baltimore for a week last month we talked on the phone a lot and that's when I really started liking him, so I am kind of excited of the time we have apart, although there is no way that I could keep it up for too long. It's not in my nature to date long distance. I've tried and I become to lonely or read messages wrong, or I feel abandoned after a day of not talking. I know...I am needy. But I give as much as I want in return...and if he is not sick of it by now...he must like it, be like that also, or he must be crazy! Either way, life has turned for the better and I've had a lot of happy times lately. It's possible I'm moving closer to him in Texas while he is there for a few months, but it seems like forever before school lets out.
School, by the way, is doing okay, but there is always so much to do, and never enough energy at the end of a teaching day to prepare it all. I guess being a new teacher has its ups and downs and I am just feeling a few of the downs of preparation. I'm SOOOO excited for the beach which is coming up in almost one month. I am excited to rest, get away from regular life, see my family, and turn into a sexican for a few months.
Well....that is me in a bit of time. Cheers!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Thoughts about Fred
4-19-09
I've been dating Fred, although he just left for Houston for 4 1/2 months and we are on hold for now. I was really torn up when he left and I realized how much I really liked him.
So I was at the temple today with my ward and I was sitting with Sr. Montgomery. I had an okay day, but I was really missing Fred. He was on his way to Memphis to help set up their office. He had only been gone two days. I was thinking about him alot when we were eating dinner because the stake president was sitting across from me and we were talking about dating. He told me that his talk for stake conference was going to be about dating and we started giving him all kinds of advice that he will probably bring up on Sunday. I was talking about Fred of course and how even though he was obsessed with his computer and technology stuff, he hadn't let it come between us. I asked the stake president if it was okay to be dating someone that wasn't temple worthy currently but was working on it. He said it depended on the situation and that I'd have to judge it for myself.
So on top of all that, when I went into the Endowment room I was praying for what I should be doing. I am kind of scared to ask if he would be the right one, but I do ask if he would make a good father, should I continue dating him, etc. Then during the session, Sr. Montgomery leaned over and told me she had thought alot about the questions I had asked her on Sunday. I had asked her how she knew her husband was the right one for her. She had told me she had known right away that he was right for her. BUt when he finally proposed he told her that he didnt think there was one right person for each other. He said, "When there's a will, there's a way." If two people have the will to be together and they both put in their all, then it will work. I thought alot about that. I didnt like him a ton in the beginning but he kind of just grew on me.
I was thinking about how I ad thought he was such a geek in the beginning and that over time he had really grown on me. Then I started thinking about that time a few months ago that I started thinking that I would rather marry a dork than marry a cute ridiculous man who cared nothing about the things I cared for. I started thinking of a new motivational talk I could give: It's ok to be a dork. Then I started thinking about Sydeny White (the movie) and how that would tie in perfectly.
The last thing I was thinking about was smashing cake in Fred's face and saying, "I'm just practicing for later." I did that at Meischa's house when my dad was down for my birthday. I really said it as a joke and then we started joking around at being married. We still do it but I was thinking about that in the temple, and then I pictured us standing outside of the temple in wedding gear taking our pictures on the grounds. Weird. I don't know if we're ready for that step and I am not positive he is the one yet. But he could be.
When I was leaving the temple I checked my messages and he had left me one that said, "Say hi to the Lord for me." I wrote him back and said, "Lord said if you haven't seen her in white, you're missing out." He wrote back and said, "Haha, I won't miss out forever." I thought that was cute and a perfect way to end my temple experience. :)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
He's not that into me!
3-15-09
So yesterday I had some bonding time with myself. I went to the mall and just walked as slow as I wanted. I hate going to the mall with a group cause then you have to move at their pace or make them match yours. It's frustrating so I'd rather go alone. Plus I'm not a huge fan of shopping so I have to do it when I actually feel like it or I end up hating it.
I didn't spend any money...which I usually don't unless I'm looking. I was just browsing. The clothes that are made nowadays are so frumpy and....crap! I'm more conservative and not so into the new 60's-70's trend. I'll wait. It will go away like everything else. But I still liked browsing. I wasn't planning on doing this, but I took myself to the movies. I haven't ever gone by myself, but I found that it's actually more pleasant. I am becoming less and less a huge people person. I have my moments...but crowds bring noise, and too much noise is a pet peeve of mine. I'm definitely turning 25 this weekend :)
Anyway, I've been wanting to see the new movie that has come out: "He's Not That Into You." I am so glad I went by myself, because any friends I would have gone with would have pin-pointed some stereotyped character from the movie on me, which they rightly should and could have done. But being by myself, I could pin it on myself and not feel the shame. Only the need for improvement.
The movie is basically about girls and how they flaunt themselves on guys without really knowing if they are interested in them. In turn, girls end up getting crushed hearts and feeling that they have been misunderstood in so many ways...when in fact, the guy was just not into them. And it had nothing to do with how great she actually was for them.
There was a girl in the movie, Gi-Gi, who was primarily the main character. She would throw herself at guys, ask them out, wait anxiously for their calls, try to glimpse their names in conversations, then get terribly distraught when anything and everything fell apart when he didn't return the feelings. She met this guy, Alex, who befriended her and tried to help her see when guys were not interested. (This movie is based off a book I've finally bought.) She in turn, feels like Alex is falling for her because he takes a lot of time up to teach her while she is dating. Then she throws herself passionately at him and he denies any feelings for her. She is hurt, of course, and yells at him for even giving her signals of interest. Then she said something thought provoking that I thought every guy should and will have a realization of one day. She said something to this effect: "I feel sorry for you Alex. I might throw myself out there and embarrass myself and have my heart stomped on by every guy I give it to, but I am closer to finding that one than you are. I am closer to being with someone and you are alone." Then she left and he realized he was an idiot and he really liked her. Again, not something that happens always. Alex called it "special cases" when things actually did happen that were magical, and other cases he called "The rule."
Well I've been the rule ever since I've known I was ready to settle down. I have thrown myself at numerous guys that I've been interested in...and some that I would normally never be interested in. But it won't ever work with those guys. I have to have the right one want me back and possibly even before I realize I like him back. And I have to be shocked and awed at how much he will adore me. Because as of today, the shock and awe has not happened since I was engaged almost 5 years ago.
There were a lot of sad parts to the movie, like when the jackass cheated on his wife, and the disgusting girl was a home wrecker. Or when this other girl called off a 7 year relationship, because her boyfriend would never commit to marriage. But, despite all of the problems I see in wrecked marriages and hurtful relationships, I still believe in love. I believe in the sanctity of a marriage. And I know one day, it will work with someone and I'll be so happy I never settled for the losers I've been dating, or that the other ones who were not appreciative or even recognized me never rose to the occasion to finalize the relationship or gave me the time of day.
I cried of course, and it was the peaceful type of crying where I felt years of sadness shed. I no longer want to be a Gi-Gi because it never works out for her until she has stopped looking. It does make it a lonely time, but I'd rather be lonely and learn how to deal with that, than mending a broken, stepped-on, unwanted heart.
As I left the theater, I noticed all of the couples around me. I noticed the ones holding hands, the ones who looked like they probably were home-wreckers, and the ones that put tons of children in between them. Because I feel like I've waited forever for that special guy, I will never forget how I yearned to be with him. I will never take advantage of that time I have with him. I will appreciate every thought and gesture, every look and every effort he shows me. So many couples take advantage of the time they have together and it eats at their relationship. It comes easily to some, and not so easily to the ones that really want it...and sometimes need it. Those people who actually wait for it, will be ten-times more grateful when they actually do have it, and will cherish it. Again I can't speak for all people, but that's the way I feel.
So yesterday I had some bonding time with myself. I went to the mall and just walked as slow as I wanted. I hate going to the mall with a group cause then you have to move at their pace or make them match yours. It's frustrating so I'd rather go alone. Plus I'm not a huge fan of shopping so I have to do it when I actually feel like it or I end up hating it.
I didn't spend any money...which I usually don't unless I'm looking. I was just browsing. The clothes that are made nowadays are so frumpy and....crap! I'm more conservative and not so into the new 60's-70's trend. I'll wait. It will go away like everything else. But I still liked browsing. I wasn't planning on doing this, but I took myself to the movies. I haven't ever gone by myself, but I found that it's actually more pleasant. I am becoming less and less a huge people person. I have my moments...but crowds bring noise, and too much noise is a pet peeve of mine. I'm definitely turning 25 this weekend :)
Anyway, I've been wanting to see the new movie that has come out: "He's Not That Into You." I am so glad I went by myself, because any friends I would have gone with would have pin-pointed some stereotyped character from the movie on me, which they rightly should and could have done. But being by myself, I could pin it on myself and not feel the shame. Only the need for improvement.
The movie is basically about girls and how they flaunt themselves on guys without really knowing if they are interested in them. In turn, girls end up getting crushed hearts and feeling that they have been misunderstood in so many ways...when in fact, the guy was just not into them. And it had nothing to do with how great she actually was for them.
There was a girl in the movie, Gi-Gi, who was primarily the main character. She would throw herself at guys, ask them out, wait anxiously for their calls, try to glimpse their names in conversations, then get terribly distraught when anything and everything fell apart when he didn't return the feelings. She met this guy, Alex, who befriended her and tried to help her see when guys were not interested. (This movie is based off a book I've finally bought.) She in turn, feels like Alex is falling for her because he takes a lot of time up to teach her while she is dating. Then she throws herself passionately at him and he denies any feelings for her. She is hurt, of course, and yells at him for even giving her signals of interest. Then she said something thought provoking that I thought every guy should and will have a realization of one day. She said something to this effect: "I feel sorry for you Alex. I might throw myself out there and embarrass myself and have my heart stomped on by every guy I give it to, but I am closer to finding that one than you are. I am closer to being with someone and you are alone." Then she left and he realized he was an idiot and he really liked her. Again, not something that happens always. Alex called it "special cases" when things actually did happen that were magical, and other cases he called "The rule."
Well I've been the rule ever since I've known I was ready to settle down. I have thrown myself at numerous guys that I've been interested in...and some that I would normally never be interested in. But it won't ever work with those guys. I have to have the right one want me back and possibly even before I realize I like him back. And I have to be shocked and awed at how much he will adore me. Because as of today, the shock and awe has not happened since I was engaged almost 5 years ago.
There were a lot of sad parts to the movie, like when the jackass cheated on his wife, and the disgusting girl was a home wrecker. Or when this other girl called off a 7 year relationship, because her boyfriend would never commit to marriage. But, despite all of the problems I see in wrecked marriages and hurtful relationships, I still believe in love. I believe in the sanctity of a marriage. And I know one day, it will work with someone and I'll be so happy I never settled for the losers I've been dating, or that the other ones who were not appreciative or even recognized me never rose to the occasion to finalize the relationship or gave me the time of day.
I cried of course, and it was the peaceful type of crying where I felt years of sadness shed. I no longer want to be a Gi-Gi because it never works out for her until she has stopped looking. It does make it a lonely time, but I'd rather be lonely and learn how to deal with that, than mending a broken, stepped-on, unwanted heart.
As I left the theater, I noticed all of the couples around me. I noticed the ones holding hands, the ones who looked like they probably were home-wreckers, and the ones that put tons of children in between them. Because I feel like I've waited forever for that special guy, I will never forget how I yearned to be with him. I will never take advantage of that time I have with him. I will appreciate every thought and gesture, every look and every effort he shows me. So many couples take advantage of the time they have together and it eats at their relationship. It comes easily to some, and not so easily to the ones that really want it...and sometimes need it. Those people who actually wait for it, will be ten-times more grateful when they actually do have it, and will cherish it. Again I can't speak for all people, but that's the way I feel.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Life has continued even some more
I went to Baltimore last week and had this amazing National Conference that pushed Expeditionary Learning. It's pretty much the most amazing type of teaching there is out there. It's progressive hands-on learning with an out-bound edge.
I met this awesome girl, Bobbi-Jo. LOL I know what you're thinking and yes she was from North Carolina, but raised in Connecticut. Anyway, we just connected right away on our splice expedition and spent the rest of the week together. It seemed like we knew each other. We talked a lot about the church. It felt refreshing to finally answer some gospel questions that were genuine.
While my colleagues went out at night partying, she and I walked around Baltimore talking and it's the most refreshed I've felt in awhile. I love what I believe. I was looking at some of the entries I've written lately and it seems like I am so...churchy! But I am. It's the best quality I guess that I have. I wonder if it scares certain people away though. Oh well. At the end of the week, I gave her a Book of Mormon I had brought with me and wrote my testimony in it. There is nothing more that could have happened that week that could have lifted my spirits more.
It was good to come back and see my crew...although it was definitely a Monday!
So I think I am not dateable. I've scared so many guys away...and it seems like I like the ones that I can never have. I wonder if it's because I know I really am scared of commitment and I chose the ones I know it wouldn't work with so that it will never happen. But nonetheless, rejection suxs! I am done with that. There are two guys that really like me a lot right now, but I am kind of scared of them. It makes me laugh cause that's what I've been wanting. Right? Guess not!
Oh well...another week. Just trying to figure out where I want to be this summer? Any suggestions?
I met this awesome girl, Bobbi-Jo. LOL I know what you're thinking and yes she was from North Carolina, but raised in Connecticut. Anyway, we just connected right away on our splice expedition and spent the rest of the week together. It seemed like we knew each other. We talked a lot about the church. It felt refreshing to finally answer some gospel questions that were genuine.
While my colleagues went out at night partying, she and I walked around Baltimore talking and it's the most refreshed I've felt in awhile. I love what I believe. I was looking at some of the entries I've written lately and it seems like I am so...churchy! But I am. It's the best quality I guess that I have. I wonder if it scares certain people away though. Oh well. At the end of the week, I gave her a Book of Mormon I had brought with me and wrote my testimony in it. There is nothing more that could have happened that week that could have lifted my spirits more.
It was good to come back and see my crew...although it was definitely a Monday!
So I think I am not dateable. I've scared so many guys away...and it seems like I like the ones that I can never have. I wonder if it's because I know I really am scared of commitment and I chose the ones I know it wouldn't work with so that it will never happen. But nonetheless, rejection suxs! I am done with that. There are two guys that really like me a lot right now, but I am kind of scared of them. It makes me laugh cause that's what I've been wanting. Right? Guess not!
Oh well...another week. Just trying to figure out where I want to be this summer? Any suggestions?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Gratefulness
So I was sitting in church by Sr. Montgomery today and one of the guys said in their talk...Be grateful for things that you normally wouldn't think of. Sr. Montgomery and I had been whispering back and forth about Trevor and me explaining how restless I was with the progress. She told me I should be grateful for the things that went wrong or things that I thought weren't going fast enough. So here is a list of things so far I'm....grateful for.
I'm grateful/thankful
- Trevor doesn't want to date yet...because it's teaching me patience and we are keeping the physical part of the relationship out of it.
- He hasn't tried to kiss me in over a month. It would have definietly made me like him more than I already do...and emotions really screw me up!
- I'm thankful that he doesn't call me all the time...and that he takes his time in returning texts back to me. It teaches me patience, and I have learned to do other things in the meantime. I don't need to constantly wait by my phone. That's a really bad habit of mine!
- I'm grateful he is so busy and that he doesn't have enough time to spend more than one day a week with me. IT would overload me with how much I would like him. I would want to see him even more even if he upped our time together by one day.
- I'm thankful he was an hour late when he showed up to the dance. By that time I was extra excited to see him and hold him and it taught me that he was really cute when he apologizes sincerely. I hope he learned that I don't want to waste time being mad at him but that every minute we spend together should be fun and uplifting.
- I am glad that he flirted with the girls at bowling. He likes girls...that is a good thing. And he showed his compassion...Jessica had a bad date and was ignoring her....and Ryanna didn't have a date so he was being realy sweet to her.
- I am grateful our dance class ends this Saturday because then I can really find out if he was into me because he needed a dance partner...or if he was really interested.
Ok I am sure there is more....But I will just save them for my prayers.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
My faith..........
I avoid the teacher's lounge. Especially of some teachers. I've never liked to get into teacher gossip unless I am really struggling with a student and need to vent or ask for suggestions. I would rather eat with my students. Sometimes they are more interesting to talk to :)
Today was especially bad. I am and have been feeling the most negative vibes from one of my colleagues. She is not LDS and made sure to let us know that right away. She is very open about how much she thinks the LDS are too prominent here in Utah. I agree to a point, although I believe that her coming from the bible belt gives her no reasons to spit at someone over-doing it on what they believe.
So I listen to my peers talk about how the Mormons run the show here in Utah. I don't really add anything unless one of their opinions is completely wrong about what I believe. This one teacher is very opinionated in many aspects. She has somehow gained the respect of the other teachers despite what she has said that would have naturally offended someone who was remotely religious. The rest of the teachers are inactive members of my faith and it is discouraging to see their beliefs and faith melt away with her disagreements. The only peer I have who is active allows such talk around her and doesn't even attempt to stand up for their ridiculous claims. It is discouraging to me that these people grew up where the church was strong. They probably never had a class where there wasn't at least one LDS peer with them. I guess that can be seen in two ways: Too overwhelming or just enough support.
Growing up in Georgia, I had to defend myself multiple times on what I believed. Sometimes it was a matter of whether I could be friends with them or not. I truly found my friends by standing for what I believed...and I was crucified in high school for having morals. I hated high school and still have bitter memories of those years. People in the south are brutal to someone who believes differently than they do. And if they don't bother you for that, they bother you for the fact that you can't even bend the rules on exceptions. "You're too good Jenny." It didn't bother me after awhile because more than anything, I know what I believe.
I never have doubted. In fact, I may have had struggles with some of the doctrine, but I never let that wedge my faith. I feel peaceful inside when I have trusted in the Lord during those times, and within days or weeks of feeling those struggles, it was all smoothed out and my faith became firmer. There is nothing in this world that means more to me than my faith in God and His son Jesus Christ. I will not downplay those feelings, I will not joke lightly about Christ's Gospel or my relationship with them, and I will not allow myself to stand by and watch ignorant people rip something apart that they obviously haven't felt. Knowledge and answers from Heavenly Father are available to the sincere and truly penitent. It is worth that sacrifice. Sometimes, I'll admit, I am not as vibrant in those convictions, but never will I waver, and never will my faith fail. I will continue to feed it until I am called back to live with them again. And I will rest....but for now....there is work to do!
Today was especially bad. I am and have been feeling the most negative vibes from one of my colleagues. She is not LDS and made sure to let us know that right away. She is very open about how much she thinks the LDS are too prominent here in Utah. I agree to a point, although I believe that her coming from the bible belt gives her no reasons to spit at someone over-doing it on what they believe.
So I listen to my peers talk about how the Mormons run the show here in Utah. I don't really add anything unless one of their opinions is completely wrong about what I believe. This one teacher is very opinionated in many aspects. She has somehow gained the respect of the other teachers despite what she has said that would have naturally offended someone who was remotely religious. The rest of the teachers are inactive members of my faith and it is discouraging to see their beliefs and faith melt away with her disagreements. The only peer I have who is active allows such talk around her and doesn't even attempt to stand up for their ridiculous claims. It is discouraging to me that these people grew up where the church was strong. They probably never had a class where there wasn't at least one LDS peer with them. I guess that can be seen in two ways: Too overwhelming or just enough support.
Growing up in Georgia, I had to defend myself multiple times on what I believed. Sometimes it was a matter of whether I could be friends with them or not. I truly found my friends by standing for what I believed...and I was crucified in high school for having morals. I hated high school and still have bitter memories of those years. People in the south are brutal to someone who believes differently than they do. And if they don't bother you for that, they bother you for the fact that you can't even bend the rules on exceptions. "You're too good Jenny." It didn't bother me after awhile because more than anything, I know what I believe.
I never have doubted. In fact, I may have had struggles with some of the doctrine, but I never let that wedge my faith. I feel peaceful inside when I have trusted in the Lord during those times, and within days or weeks of feeling those struggles, it was all smoothed out and my faith became firmer. There is nothing in this world that means more to me than my faith in God and His son Jesus Christ. I will not downplay those feelings, I will not joke lightly about Christ's Gospel or my relationship with them, and I will not allow myself to stand by and watch ignorant people rip something apart that they obviously haven't felt. Knowledge and answers from Heavenly Father are available to the sincere and truly penitent. It is worth that sacrifice. Sometimes, I'll admit, I am not as vibrant in those convictions, but never will I waver, and never will my faith fail. I will continue to feed it until I am called back to live with them again. And I will rest....but for now....there is work to do!
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